Saturday, April 30, 2005

Report from Ålandsfärja

Hello Superblog!! lovers! How are you? We are drunk. You are assholes, especially without our supervision. That was Sammy talking. Diz iz Koala and I love u all. I hope you are okay. This message is costing us about 1 Euro (one fucking euro) so appreciate it, or we'll hunt you down and feed on your flesh. This is Sammy. Read it or I'll fucking kill you and so on. But, yes I like you a lot!!! Yes.


koala and sammy @ sea

Friday, April 29, 2005

Yes! I'm Radioactive!

The stars are in alignment, so it looks like we may actually get to Åland tomorrow, which in all likelyhood means neither one of us will be blogging for a couple of days. I hope at least some of you can survive this ordeal, because it's fucking boring to blog if nobody reads it.

ITEM! Did you know that Superblog!! actually started just after a trip to Åland?!? It's true. This ambitious essay was the first English-language entry.

ITEM! This weekend is the last chance to participate in Superblog!!'s first ever contest. Since all the entries so far have sucked, YOU stand a very good chance of sweeping in at the last minute and stealing away with the mysterious Grand Prize.

Excelsior and sayonara, bitches!

Lucky Luke Gets Lucky

Courtesy of Superblog!! fan Moocko, here's a 40-page comic about Lucky Luke engaging in sexual intercourse. WARNING: I think it's in Dutch.

I guess you could say this is in the grand tradition of so-called "Tijuana Bibles":

Tijuana Bibles were pornographic tracts popular in America before the advent of mass-market full-color glossy wank-fodder such as Playboy. A typical bible consisted of eight stapled comic-strip frames portraying characters and celebrities (eg. John Dillinger, Popeye, Disney characters) in wildly sodomistic situations. Many could be considered grossly racist, sexist, and otherwise wholly "politically incorrect." Browser discretion is advised.

Check it out. It's Art.

By the way, did you notice that I discreetly cropped the image above? That's because Superblog!! is a family blog.

Thursday, April 28, 2005

Anna Nicole's Boobs Revealed Again!! (and again and again...)

This is also starting to be boring, right? All life forms in the known universe have already seen her hooters by now but as we all know Superblog!! is a boob-fixated blog and we must report about it (again) I guess.
Over to our man at MSNBC:

The merry widow and diet-pill plugger startled the crowd at Nashville's Grand Ole Opry by flashing the audience.
“She was on stage dancing with some cloggers when she broke loose from her partner and did her own thing,” one stunned ticket-holder told The Scoop. “She was shimmying around, shaking her breasts, and lifted up her skirt in a sort of square-dance-can-can move and gave the audience a view of her panties. And then she did some sort of crazy dance where turned around and stuck her butt out at the audience and lifted her skirt. At one point, her boob popped out.”

At one point, her boob popped out.... That's the most poetic sentence ever written! Mark my words. You'll never ever in your pathetic life read a sentence of such poetic magnitude again. I also enjoy to read about eyes popping out and bowel and intestines problems. And yes, since we usually try to mix food and sex here at Superblog!! here's a great meatball recipe.

Wednesday, April 27, 2005

Speaking of Intoxication

In the same 24 hour period, I happened to watch Trainspotting and Spun on DVD, and start reading William Burroughs' Junky. I was contemplating this coincidence while listening to the last track on Velvet Underground's live album 1969 (Volume 1) for the second time in a row. The track? Heroin. Is my subconscious trying to tell me where to find true happiness and fulfillment? Probably.

Anyway, I recommend everything mentioned in this post, except heroin.

Tuesday, April 26, 2005

Alcoholics Anonymous Goes Sailing

After a hard day's have no energy to blog. Important news flash though. Åland, here we go again! Picture above from last trip.

Monday, April 25, 2005

Superblog!! Mystery Scan Contest

Hey, remember a few weeks back when I had my sudden bout with insanity and scanned a half-eaten chocolate mint? What fun that was! In that spirit, I hereby present Superblog!!'s first ever Mystery Scan Contest!

See that image up there? I scanned it today. To enter and win, you have to answer two very simple questions:
1) What is it?
2) Why did I scan it?

You can either write your answers in the comments below, or you can email (but be warned that mail sent to that address is usually deleted unread). Or you can come up to me at the pub some time and whisper the answers in my ear. But no tongue!

Enter as many times as you want, but make sure you use a different fake name each time. The winner (if there is one) will receive a lifetime supply of virus in their email. Just kidding! The winner will receive a Super Special Mega Cool Mystery Prize of course! Runners-up will be mocked mercilessly.

Contest ends April, 30th, 2005. Employees of Superblog!! are prohibited to enter. By entering you agree not to sue if you are ever subject to physical violence at the hands of a representative of Superblog!! Also, that you suck and I rule.

Sunday, April 24, 2005

Adventures on the Baltic Sea

By popular demand... Koala and Sammy having their picture taken by world famous singer Anna Book. Maybe you can tell that something in the picture seems strange? Haha! I manipulated it in MS Paint because we were on this boat on our way to Åland and we were totally shitfaced. That's something we enjoy a lot but we can't have our faces published when that drunk. (Oh yes we can but it will have to wait) Actually I'm trying to persuade Koala to repeat the Åland endeavour this coming weekend. He's complaining about non important things like costs and shit but you know what? He will cave in and say "of course, you're right Sammy! Let's go!". We WILL go to Åland very soon and we WILL get totally shitfaced. Again.

Saturday, April 23, 2005

Our Wacky Neighbors #4: Tokyo High Court, Spanking, Pie

As we do here on Superblog!! as often as possible, here's a look at some of our Blogspot Brethren! Below you'll find representative samples from three neighboring blogs. Do yourself a service and bookmark them all. Or none of them, what do I care?

Opinio Juris
A weblog dedicated to reports, commentary, and debate on current developments and scholarship in the fields of international law and politics.

In a piece of terrible timing, the Tokyo High Court has denied the appeal of a group of 10 Chinese plaintiffs seeking compensation for Japanese WWII atrocities. This decision comes just as the Japanese Foreign Minister left China without having resolved rising tensions and as the stocks of Japanese companies doing business in China plummet.
i'll beg
I'm just a wife who really likes to be spanked, and I thought it would be fun to keep a journal. If you want to look, enjoy -- but it's really for me.

When we got upstairs last night my Hubby said that I had gone way past naughty territory and I was down right bad, a miscreant even. He used a lot of other words for really bad, he has a big vocabulary, but it boiled down to I was in big trouble. I thought that getting the Brazilian should give me a bit of a break; it was quite an event for me. His comment to this negotiation tactic? “I am going to spank you hard, too.”
Sexy Women, No Girls Allowed

Met Art has a great selection of sexy women. The only problem is after posting a beauty like Karina I have an unexplainable urge to eat some pie. Thank god my wife has the tastiest pie around. She reaps the rewards of me posting to this blog. Lately she's been sporting a constant smile around the house. Looks like I'll need a taste tonite too.
"No girls allowed", huh? Not even lesbos?

Sadly, that's all the time we have. Remember to tune in again in exactly 128 days for a new headache-inducing edition of OUR WACKY NEIGHBORS!

Friday, April 22, 2005

Rent a Nazi!

Great news for the German-thirsting masses of the world! Now you can hire your own Nazi!! In the unreal world outside of Superblog!! it's actually called: Rent a German But since 85% of the Germans are Nazis, there's an obvious chance that your rented German turns out to be some Eichmann chap anyway. The good thing seems to be that, Nazis or not, they provide great value for your hard earned dollars.

David U., 82 (Denver): "I hadn’t seen a German since my time in World War II. I cried, it was such an emotional experience. We ate “Heidelberger Bergklösse” together every evening and have been writing each other once a month since he left. He’s become a real friend to me."

Adam G., 48 (San Francisco): “It was awesome! Having a German at the office for a week was a huge success! Since then, my relationship with my co-workers has improved big time! I’ll definitely do it again- It was, like, “oh my god, this is so it!”

King of Spain is Crazy Mutant

On the right we have King Juan Carlos I of Spain. On the left is X-Men villain Magneto, the Master of Magnetism. Don't they look kinda similar?

It seems like Marvel Comics, publisher of Spider-Man and stuff, are doing some sort of crossover thingie called The House of M, and one of the books involved features X-Men villain Magneto on the cover.

And the cover artist, Mike Mayhew, didn't feel like drawing anything more than the head so he ripped off an official photo of "the King in Field Marshal uniform". Which was a pretty stupid thing to do. And now the Spaniards are going bugfuck. (The Beat has some further information.)

This isn't the first time in recent history Marvel has unwittingly upset European royalty. A couple of years ago, Peter Milligan's and Mike Allred's X-Statix was scheduled to feature the late Princess Diana as a superhero.

Except, at the last minute, a Marvel executive in Hollywood got shit from Elton John or someone and called for all Di references to be removed from the book. The result was rather unsuccessful:

Since most of the issue appears to be the product of dialogue rewrites and art fixes (aside from a couple of new origin pages at the beginning, they've just put Diana in a wig), we have a problem. The plot was not written for a pop singer. And as published, the story doesn't work.
A lot of glitches have slipped through. The silhouette on the banner over Henrietta's family home is clearly Diana, not Henrietta. There's a reference to the British taxpayers and the Financial Times, both of which are rather out of place considering that she's meant to be from another country altogether. Some of the dialogue rewrites are unbelievably awkward. [...] And quite honestly, a lot of the jokes only work if you read the character as Diana - her mutant power of empathy, for example.

Thursday, April 21, 2005

Superblog!! the 50th Most Popular Blog in Sweden!

This nifty looking thing that reads Best Blog - Readers Award in Swedish, was the Grand Prize in a nation wide poll that rated Sweden's most popular blogs. With the totally amazing number of six votes we ended up in the 50th place beating famous Swedish blogs like PJ Right Now and Alicio in Wonderland... Superblog!! extends a warm thank you to those of you who understood that Superblog!! deserved this moment in the national spotlight. Next year we aim for at least ten votes.

Wednesday, April 20, 2005

Extremely Old German Fucker Named as Holy Father

Yes! We have a new Nazi Pope, Cardinal Joseph Starzinger. (Some people are calling him "Ratfucker" but that strikes me as mean. Here in Sweden, he's known as Råttzångaren i Hameln, whatever that's supposed to mean.)

Cardinal Starzinger fought alongside Adolf Hitler in World War II and is personally responsible for the deaths of some 20,000 Jews (but don't worry, they deserved it). Installed as the 265th pontiff, Starzinger immediately changed his name to Benedict XVI in a pathetic attempt to evade prosecution for war crimes.

Bah, distorting news is thirsty work. Have some CNN while I pour myself a brandy:

Ratzinger, who turned 78 on Saturday, was John Paul II's chief theological adviser for 20 years.
As a young priest he was on the progressive side of theological debates but shifted to the right after the student revolutions of 1968.
In the Vatican, he has been the driving force behind crackdowns on liberation theology, religious pluralism, challenges to traditional moral teachings on issues such as homosexuality, and dissent on such issues as women's ordination.
The dean of the College of Cardinals since November 2002, he was elevated to cardinal by Pope Paul VI in June 1977.

Superblog!! is proud to be the first media outlet to officially welcome Benny to his throne. Is it okay if we call you "Papa"?

Almost forgot: Here's a picture of the new Pope accepting his Holy Ball.

Tuesday, April 19, 2005

Anybody Out There Who's Tried Fat Spray?

Last fall, Scandinavian media reported that a 15-year-old Norwegian boy was found dead next to a plastic bag and a spray can of baking fat. Apparently the kid had used it to get high (the cans are full of liquid gas) and accidentally suffocated when the oxygen ran out. Fat spray is supposedly a growing problem among youths in Norway and possibly elsewhere. It's the sign of the times.

Superblog!! is very interested in giving it a try. Just to confirm that it's bad and should be avoided, of course. If you have any personal or professional knowledge when it comes to getting high via spray cans, we'd love to hear from you.

Nogger + Superblog!! = True!

GB Glace, the company that brought us the racist ice cream Nogger Black also have their own matchmaking service. As you can see Nogger and Superblog!! works fairly good together (BTW: Sant is the Swedish word for True). GB Glace even says that we have a lot in common and that our children will be smart and charming.

This form of software pimping is fun for a while. Nigger and Nogger Black is a 93% match so i guess that in a way proves how racist that ice cream Nogger Black really is... The fun ends when you find out that you can't create a mismatch even if you try like hell. God and Satan love each other... Kerry and Dubya work great together..... The Pope and Lucifer should have a romantic dinner... (Hey, that one might be accurate!)
You can try to beat the machine here. Just click on the black square when you're there.

Motorist's Nose Crushed by Deadly Frozen Sausage!

Throwing food rules! Throwing frozen food rules even more and the king of all food throwing must be throwing frozen sausages! Why, you might ask? Because that's how you inflict the greatest pain!
Sausage throwing - The new blood sport !!

A motorist is recovering today after his nose was broken when a frozen sausage was thrown through the open window of his car, ambulance service officials said.The 46-year-old man was driving near his home in South Woodham Ferrers, Essex, when the “bizarre incident” occurred, said a spokesman for the Essex Ambulance Service.“He was driving his car when the offending item came through his open window and hit him on the nose,” said the spokesman.

Haha! I'm gonna buy millions of sausages and there will be a lot of bizarre incidents in Sweden tonight.

Monday, April 18, 2005

Love Doctor Not Well-Versed in Self-Love

From teenwire's "Ask the experts":

Dear Experts,
I'm a guy, the other day these guys were talking about jacking off. I pretended to know what they mean but I don't. What does it mean?


And this guy has a DOCTORATE in Love?! Academic standards today...

Speaking of teaching a one-eyed Chinaman how to dance, here's "The World's Largest Collection of Male Masturbation Synonyms". And here's one for the ladies.

Anyway, the "Experts" site has the answers to a lot of stuff I myself have been wondering, such as "What does giving head mean and what does it have to do with being gay?" and "I heard oral sex is nasty on a girl but ok to give to a guy. Is this true?" (The answer to the latter question, surprisingly, seems to be, "Both are infectious.")

Sunday, April 17, 2005

Pope John Paul II Returns from the Dead

You might remember that the Holy Father, or JP2 as Superblog!! liked to call him, died a couple of weeks ago. But don't worry! Just like what's-his-face, the long-haired hippie fucker on the cross...? Jebus! Just like Jebus, John Paul the Second will return, even more powerful, to save us all:

BOGOTA, Colombia (Reuters) - Pope John Paul II is being reborn in a Colombian comic book as a superhero battling evil with an anti-Devil cape and special chastity pants.
The first episode of the "Incredible Popeman" is about to go on sale in Colombia and shows the late Polish pontiff meeting comic book legends such as Batman and Superman to learn how to use superpowers to battle Satan.
"The pope was a real-life superhero, of flesh and blood," said Colombian artist Rodolfo Leon, a non-practicing Catholic who has been working on the comic book for about a year.

Presumably Mr Leon is prepared to risk a lawsuit in this life because he'll eventually get his just reward in heaven.

Like any self-respecting superhero, the Incredible Popeman has a battery of special equipment. Along with his yellow cape and green chastity pants, the muscular super-pontiff wields a faith staff with a cross on top and carries holy water and communion wine.

I'm guessing the "faith staff" won't be wrapped in a protective cloth, if you get my meaning. See, what I'm doing is likening the staff to a penis, and insinuating that the Incredible Popeman won't put a condom on his dick. Because the Pope was opposed to condoms, you see. So I am making fun of him. Because the Pope was an idiot.

By the same token, the Incredible Popeman, gay though he sounds, probably won't be placing the faith staff in another man's anus.

Oh, shut up.

10,000 Superblog!! Fans Can't Be Wrong

Or, well, yeah, they can. And besides, it's not actually ten thousand different people because some of you visit regularly, but are still recounted as "unique" visitors for some reason. The actual number is probably more like 112. And 110 of those came looking for Carla Gugino's tits. (Seriously, that's by far our most popular entry the past month. I don't know why we blog about anything else.)

It's not even 10,000 yet. As I type this, the counter says "9917". Maybe we'll never reach 10K. It would be too bad because I already bought a cake to put in the scanner to mark this momentous occasion. (Just kidding, sorry. But I do promise to scan something interesting, and possibly edible, in the near future.)

To show what a fucking anarchist I am, I stole the above image from this site. My apologies to everyone involved.

Saturday, April 16, 2005

Where's Sammy?

He's here! I drank some beers tonight and I had ostrich for dinner. Beer is funny (It's like happiness in a bottle) and ostriches are supposed to be stupid. Wow, I never knew that blogging could be this easy.

Friday, April 15, 2005

Racist Ice Cream "Nogger Black" Triggers Riots in Sweden

A couple of days ago, the newspaper Svenska Dagbladet (Swedish Day Blade) reported that "Centrum mot rasism" (Center Against Racism) has initiated a boycott against GB Glace because of their hilarious new ice cream Nogger Black.

The Center is critical of the suffix "Black" which, combined with "Nogger" and the graffiti-style logo, apparently causes associations with offensive terms like "nigger" and "negro". No shit. (Incidentally, "negro balls" has been a staple of Swedish diet for centuries.)

The ice cream in question is a licorice-flavored variation of the original Nogger ice cream, created in 1979 and dubbed thusly because it contains nougat. Or at least that's what they'd have us believe. The original has stayed clear of controversy, even though it's brown.

GB claims that though the "street" culture associations are intentional, the focus is not specifically on black culture. (Though Sweden has a comparatively large population of immigrants, few of them are black.)

Personally I think "Nogger Africa" would have been more appropriate. Then again, an all-out "Nigger Nogger" could have been awesome!

Thursday, April 14, 2005

The Real Villain

Koala, Koala.... You remain a lying liar! Have you already forgotten about Rudolph, the broadband consultant. He's the one responsible for this disaster. Since my internet remains pretty fucked up I am forced to travel to the front side of Sweden, Göteborg! (Stockholm is known as the back side of Sweden and Linköping will forever be the Asshole of Sweden.)

Welcome to Göteborg. Göteborg has functioned as an urban centre with a civic organisation and local government, whose purpose has been to care for the welfare of its inhabitants, for 375 years.The city was founded in 1621 by the Swedish King Gustav II Adolf, but it was developed largely by city planners and canal experts from the Netherlands and Germany.

Maybe I can forget about all my problems there? Maybe Goteborg is a place where internet still works? Maybe I can find out how to kill you while in Göteborg? Maybe your death is the answer to my broadband problems? If you want to live you better fix things before I come back.

Little Sammy Sneeze

I'll tell you something amusing. Uncle Sammy - you know, the crappier half of the eminent Superblog!! team (actually more like 38 percent) - was trying to install a wireless Internet connection. And that didn't work very well. However, in the process, he somehow managed to fuck up his regular broadband connection, too. Ha ha! So he can't blog. Ha ha!

And out of sympathy with him, I won't either.

Wednesday, April 13, 2005

William Cutya Reigns Supreme!

On this very special day, I would like to honor a man I've known and loved for years. He is a very humble person, and would most likely be embarrassed if he knew that I was talking about him in public (and on a massively popular blog, no less!). Thankfully he's currently dormant, and will remain so until his host organisms find themselves simultaneously drunk and in the vicinity of gaming machines. Ladies and gentlemen, I am of course talking about the current Stupid Electronic Quiz Games at Stupid Pubs Champion in Linköping, Sweden: Mr William Cutya, Esq.

Gaze upon his latest achievements (pictured above), faithful Superblog!! readers, and despair. As you can see, we have humiliated and virtually destroyed Sara (possibly this one), as well as Jonas, Mongo Ali, Japp, Haha and the combined might of Linnea and Ninni. To say nothing about the gentleman (?) whose mother and father gave him the unlikely name of Bukkake:

a group sex practice wherein a series of men takes turns ejaculating on a kneeling woman or man. There are strong overtones of erotic humiliation in this practice. When the term bukkake is used in Japan, it usually refers to a method of preparing noodles and not the sexual act.

Tuesday, April 12, 2005

If You Don't Read This Blog, We'll Kill This Kitten.

Actually we can't because we don't know where that kitten is or if it's alive (and thereby possible to kill in a painful way). The concept though, is very creative and tempting . I found this Swedish article here which leads to the page of some genius with a bunny.

I don’t want to eat Toby, he is my friend, and he has always been the most loving, adorable pet. However, God as my witness, I will devour this little guy unless I receive 50,000$ USD into my account from donations or purchase of merchandise. You can help this poor, helpless bunny’s cause by making donations through my verified PayPal account by clicking on any of the Donate buttons on this site, or by purchasing merchandise at the online store.


The idea of blackmailing soft hearted morons by threatening cute animals have been around for a while. At least since 1973's January issue of the National Lampoon Magazine. This from the February issue.

"LAST MONTH'S COVER: Remember it? ...The dog that was going to be killed if you didn't buy the issue? You people are really incredible. You had us kill that sweet pooch. And don't for a minute go blaming us. The choice was yours entirely. We held the gun, but you sure as hell pulled the trigger ...though there are those among you who did buy three and four issues to take up whatever slack existed. Those people are to be commended.

We at Superblog!! will try to find the cutest kitten ever and after that we'll be ready to do some business.

Cookie Monster Forced to Betray Everything He Fucking Stands For

You may have heard of this. It came up at a party I attended this weekend, and at first I didn't believe it, then I was appalled. Appalled. This is my childhood hero, the Cookie Goddamn Monster, and those lousy Sesame Street people are forcing him to eat fucking vegetables and shit! I'm not alone in my outrage:

My beloved blue, furry monster — who sang "C is for cookie, that's good enough for me" — is now advocating eating healthy. There's even a new song — "A Cookie Is a Sometimes Food," where Cookie Monster learns there are "anytime" foods and "sometimes" foods.

"Sacrilege!" I cried. "That's akin to Oscar the Grouch being nice and clean." (Co-workers gave me strange looks. But I didn't care.)

Why are you doing this, Lousy Sesame Muppets? What part of "C is for cookie, that's good enough for me" don't you understand?

They sent me to Dr. Rosemarie T. Truglio, the show's vice president of research and education.
She said the show changes every year, focusing not just on teaching numbers and letters but also emotional and physical health. With the rise in childhood obesity, Truglio said "Sesame Street" is concentrating on the need to teach children about healthy foods and physical activity.
This season, each episode opens with a "health tip" about nutrition, exercise, hygiene and rest.
Truglio said "Sesame Street" also will introduce new characters, such as talking eggplants and carrots, and offer parodies, such as "American Fruit Stand." Even guest stars will address healthy activities, such as Alicia Keys talking and singing about the importance of physical activity.

American Fruit Stand? MADNES. Alicia Keys? KRAZYTALK. Superblog!! should be a guest star on Sesame Street. Superblog!! would tell people that you can lose weight by smoking, and that you can stay awake late if you drink lots and lots of coffee, and that alcohol is the base of a nutritious breakfast. This is just crazy. Cookie Monster should get his own show, where he can eat all the cookies he want.

Also: is a MONSTER really the best spokesman for healthy eating?

Also: Cookie Monster's eyes are weird. Is he emotionally disturbed in some way?

Monday, April 11, 2005

Hiroshima, Manga, Nintendo and Other Words

Hi Ho Silver !!!! When I was a kid I never dreamed about ponies but when I was in Sao Paulo I stumbled across a Sushi Bar. Imagine my delight when I saw that one of the dishes were named after a nuked city. I fulfilled my dream (I also believe it was kind of my destiny) and ordered a Hiroshima, ate it and now I'm publishing the proof in vivid colors!

In case any survivors of Hiroshima reads this I would like to mention that I ate it in order to show my respect.

Shit! Fuck!

I want to take this opportunity to extend a big hearty FUCK YOU to the world.

This is now officially the greatest blog in history. Bow down before Superblog!!, you disgusting peasants.

Sunday, April 10, 2005

Beer and Bowling

So, yeah, me and Koala were out last week. We got somewhat drunk and that extremely artistic photograph taken with my trusted s700i represents one of the places where we sometimes hang around. Very sophisticated, yes? Very interesting, no?

Maybe not but any day or week now, I'll get back to blogging about boobs, celebs, bizarre news and stuff. If you can't wait there are tons of places writing about bizarre things. Like bizarre holidays for instance. Today was golfers day and....

April 11 is . . . . Eight-Track Tape Day
April 12 is . . . . Look Up At The Sky Day
April 13 is . . . . Blame Somebody Else Day
April 14 is . . . . National Pecan Day
April 15 is . . . . Rubber Eraser Day
April 16 is . . . . National Stress Awareness Day and National Eggs Benedict Day
April 17 is . . . . National Cheeseball Day

so on and so forth..

The Tragical Comedy or Comical Tragedy of Mr Punch

If you're like me, you enjoy listening to serious radio drama when hung over. And thus I recommend to you this pretty cool BBC adaptation of Neil Gaiman's and Dave McKean's graphic novel Mr Punch.

It's about an hour long, so settle back with your corndogs and coffee mugs. (But before listening to it, you might want to familiarize yourself with the concept of Punch and Judy shows.)

Should you find the whole concept of radio drama boring (and admittedly, chances are you do), here's a free porn site.

Saturday, April 09, 2005

Grown Hairy Men in Latex Costumes

The title for this post could also have been. Why is Uncle Sammy blogging, part 1. Yes I know for some of you it feels more like part 68. Anyway! What have I been up to tonight ? I had a pizza from the local pizzeria. I had the "Marko Polo". If you are the type of person who can't resist the links you will soon find it.

MARKO POLO tomat, ost, kyckling, ananas, bacon, curry

In English it would say: MARKO POLO tomatoe, cheese, chicken, ananas, bacon, curry

Doesn't differ very much does it? Very exciting!! English and Swedish sounds and looks pretty similar!
Soon we will start web based courses in Swedish and linguistics here at Superblog!! You are in for a treat cause it will ROCK!! Ehhherrmmm? So there's a picture of Ben Affleck and I better say something about him too. He plays a Daredevil in Daredevil the motion picture he does. I watched it tonight for the second time in my life. Some cool effects and whenever Ben Affleck is supposed to look tired or in pain he looks totally retarded. Funny guy!!

What Torture Method Are You?

Dear God, has it come to this? The result of a stupid web test masquerading as a Superblog!! post? We're obviously painfully uninspired today. Anyway, here's me:

Victim was chained to you, then were slowly crushed as the handle was turned. Smaller versions of you held only the victim's head. Oww. You're a real pain to be around when you're angry, but you could force a confession out of the most stubborn.

What torture would you be?

Of the 25 possible outcomes, this is the fifth most common, with a frequency of 4.7%. (The Rack scores 23%.) If you feel like it, maybe you can take the test, and reply with your results and what you think that says about you, and then we'll all have a merry laugh, and it will be so fucking funny you won't believe your stupid eyes. Failing that, Superblog!! will return later, possibly with less pathetic entries.

Friday, April 08, 2005

Why Isn't Uncle Sammy Blogging, Part 7

There's a really simple answer to that. I'm drinking whisky and I'm destroying cars in GT4. That's why. Takes all my concentration.

Why Linköping Sucks, Part #4,201

As those of you who have been following Superblog!! for a while know, we sometimes like to make fun of our hometown, even though, deep down, we actually harbor real feelings for it (such as hate).

And today I realized yet another reason why Linköping sucks! I had to go to the hospital because Superblog!! visitors have been draining all life from me lately. (Just kidding, it wasn't blog-related. OR WAS IT? Just kidding. OR AM I? Oh, stop it.) Anyway, as you can see from the topological map above, the hospital is located way the fuck up in the mountains compared to the rest of the city, which is flat as a marooned lesbian. Now, I'm young, gorgeous, and in pretty fucking excellent shape, but I still broke a sweat climbing that steep hill. Just imagine how many senior citizens and truly sick people must keel over and die on their way to the hospital, thereby saving the city a bunch of money. Is that a good thing? Yes, from a healthy tax-payer's standpoint I suppose it is, but it still strikes me as unethical.

So ever since I got out of there I've been wracking my brains on what's to be done about this, and I think there's really only one course of action that makes sense. To save innocent lives, the hospital must be destroyed. Or perhaps the rest of the city could be risen somehow.

That was the 4,201st reason why Linköping sucks, but before I go, let me tell you a little about another couple of landmarks visible on the map. First we have Linköping Cathedral:

Work on the Cathedral was started in 1230, with the main building works being completed in 1520. [...] Linköping Cathedral is the most impressive and expensive Swedish church building of the Middle Ages.

Yeah, wow. You know what they say about bragging, Linköping Cathedral? It makes you smell like pee! (Though to be fair that could also be because a lot of drunk people actually use the side of the cathedral as a toilet on weekends.)

The plane maneuvering the skies with the grace of a llama on stilts is the critically acclaimed war plane JAS 39 Gripen, manufactured in Linköping. It's more or less a commercial failure. (Though, presumably with the help of massive bribes, we did manage to unload a few of these to Czechija.)

Thursday, April 07, 2005

What or Who Will We Scan Next ?

This amazing shiny creature came to me in a dream and he said to me: If you scan it they will come... Of couse I sort of knew that because our hit-o-meter have skyrocketed since Koala scanned that semen filled chocolate. Everybody seems to be interested in the true limits of scanners. All we need to know is....what should we try to scan next? A few suggestions of mine follows but feel free to think creatively!

a. more chocolate?
b. goldfish?
c. SARS Virus?
d. This man's ass?

Remember... no comments means: After 10 Seconds: The pain begins. After 15 Seconds: You can't breathe. After 20 Seconds: You explode.

Wednesday, April 06, 2005

Today's Half-Eaten Chocolate Scan

I scanned this smashed, half-eaten After Eight (an English chocolate mint) just to illustrate a point. The point being: If you scan half-eaten chocolate, your scanner will get all fucking gooey! Sure enough, I was right, and it took me quite a while to clean the scanner. (In fact, it's still a little sticky.)

Now, what do you have to say about that?

Everyone Sins and Breaks the Spiritual Law so Why Not Download Sin City Right Now?

Hey! In the name of Jebus. I command you to download a copy of Sin City. That way you'll be able to see it before you see it in the movies and you can also see it after you saw it in the movies but before you buy the DVD !! Now, that's pretty smart thinking, huh? Ok, if your download has started I guess you are ready for Carla Gugino's Censored Breasts in Sin City - Uncensored!

Tuesday, April 05, 2005

Tara Reid's Big Nude Naked Breasts, and Other Videos I've Enjoyed Today

You know that I love? Nothing.

But you know what I like? I like that Superblog!! has gotten so gosh-darn personal lately. If it's not pointless drunken ramblings, it's uninteresting accounts of home cinema experiences! So in that spirit, I'd like to share with you some of the video clips I watched today instead of working:

1. Ashlee Simpson's appearance on Saturday Night Live, from October, 2004. Where she was caught lipsynching.

2. A slightly amusing "remix" of same.

3. Ashlee's halftime show performance at the Orange Bowl, in January 2005, after which some 72,000 people started shouting at her. Were they shouting "BOO" or "BOO-URNS"? You decide. (Also available here.)

4. Behind the Typeface: Cooper Black - the inside story of the rise and fall of the famous font. Fascinating stuff. (Link via the TCJ board.)

5. Tara Reid's boob slip, from P Diddy's birthday party in November 2004 (previously alluded to on Superblog!!) Sadly, it's really lo-res, but there are high-resolution photos of said incident available here (including prominent implant scar).

6. A sex scene with Tara Reid from "the 1999 date-rape pic Body Shots", which ranks 4.9/10 on IMDb. Please note that Tara's breasts appear to be quite a bit smaller than in the previous clip.

Now, I think we'll stop there, because numbers 7 through 22 were explicitly pornographic. And this is, as you know, a blog for the entire family.

This is Boring

So it has come to this... A Boring post… Boring, boring, boring. Zzzzzzzz…

Meet David Boring: a nineteen-year-old security guard with a tortured inner life and an obsessive nature. When he meets the girl of his dreams, things begin to go awry: what seems too good to be true apparently is. And what seems truest in Boring's life is that, given the right set of circumstances (in this case, an orgiastic cascade of vengeance, humiliation and murder) the primal nature of humankind will come inexorably to the fore.

Ok. That was the boring part. Now over to my interesting evening. When I’m done blogging I will fucking RUN to my living room to enjoy a home cinema experience. I have this old but not so crappy projector. Works great with porn and football. (Soccer!!!)

On my watch list tonight: Lost, episode 19.

Locke begins to suffer physical difficulties as he and Boone try to find a way into the snatch. Jack is reluctant to offer assistance when Sawyer begins to experience excruciating headaches.

After that it's time for: Be Cool, starring the mind job John Travolta

This stunningly inept movie is an early contender for worst film of 2005.

Yep, that will work ! Movie snacks include:Chocolate and water.

There ! I made it! I blogged like a regular blogger! Will never do that again, that’s for sure.

Monday, April 04, 2005

Blogger Sucks Satan's Cock in Hell

That's, not a blogger. Oh, I guess it's possible that actual bloggers also give the Dark Lord oral pleasure in the afterlife, but... no, wait. That's not what I wanted to talk about. Let's start again.

Hello! If you think Superblog!! has been slacking off lately, it's probably partly because you're a moron, partly because it's true, and partly because Blogger is so fucked up that it takes all the fun out of blogging. FUCK YOU, BLOGGER, for providing a free service and then not giving us our money's worth.

I don't have a lot of time to blog today anyway, because I have an important meeting with my drug dealer. Yeah, yeah, I know, it's stupid to buy drugs off the street when you can get legal drugs so cheap online, but what can I say? I'm an old-fashioned kind of guy, I like to taste before I buy.

No, no, no, that was just lies. Of course I don't do any drugs, I've never even seen a junkie (except on postcards). HOWEVER, I'd like to state for the record that I'm not prejudiced against junkies at all, I quite like them, and in fact, some of my very best friends are junkies (though I wouldn't want my daughter to marry one).

No! Again with the lies! This is what happens when you blog without thinking. Have a banana.

(The above image is from the 1977 classic Satan's Cheerleaders, which has a user rating of 3.3 out of 10 on IMDb. Of course, this is coming from the same people who rank Star Wars as the twelth greatest movie ever made. When we all know that Star Wars should be in the top five! Haha, just kidding! Star Wars sucks, and George Lucas should be imprisoned for life and repeatedly raped in the anus by large black men. But that's a Superblog!! project for another day.)

Sunday, April 03, 2005

The John Paul II Obituary

John Paul II, outrageous standup comedian and homophobic pope, died in a Vatican hotel room April 2, 2005. He was 84. Like his hero, John Belushi, John Paul II died of a drug-induced heart attack. His crowd-pleasing, funny-guy antics won him wide appeal.
He was born somewhere in Poland a long time ago and grew up in the hood. He was the great-grandson of slaves, grandson of a sharecropper and son of an insurance salesman. His close family was always joking around and John Paul II was always making the kids at school laugh.
John Paul II made many TV appearances: HBO's "Larry Sanders," "Dennis Miller Live," MTV's "Road Rules," "The Late Show with David Letterman," "The Tonight Show," and "Late Night with Conan O'Brien." He will be missed by millions but not by me. He never answered my calls.

I suggest that the cardinals elect David Letterman to be the next pontiff. They did listen to me yesterday (about pulling the tube) So, who knows...

Angelina Jolie has Large Juicy Breasts and Does a Lot of Heroin

Fuck! Our blog marathon goes poorly. We've pledged to write twenty-six and a half high-quality blog entries in as many hours, and not only is this just the, what, ninth? so far, but the time actually ran out quite a while ago. Still, Superblog!! refuses to recognize a failure and remains steadfast in its commitment to the marathon.

Anyway, what do you care? You came here for our exclusive coverage of Angelina Jolie's breast enhancements and smack addiction, right? Sadly, that was just a clever ploy to lure you here. APRIL FOOLS.

As promised, look for Superblog!!'s obituary on John Paul II later today. Or maybe that, too, was just an April Fool's joke? Jesus, we crack ourselves up here at Superblog!!

Saturday, April 02, 2005

Holy Father Dead as a Can of Spam

Superblog!! interrupts its previously scheduled evening of slacking off to bring you news that Pope John Paul II has passed away, 84 years young. Clearly this is a great tragedy which will have far-reaching consequences. It is unclear who will answer the Pope's e-mail until a new one is appointed.

A full obituary will probably follow tomorrow.

The Burning Beard of Baghdad

Ha ha! Little did he know that his brothers had soaked his shirt and beard in gasoline earlier the same day. Reportedly the crowd continued their chanting (April fools, April fools, April fools...) several hours after the man had died.

Good and Bad Plastic Surgery

What's up with Mary-Kate and Ashley?

About two years ago, the Olsen Twins starting looking prettier. Some attributed the change to maturity, but eagle eyed people noticed their new thinner noses. Their old tips were bulbous, their nostrils flared. The Olsen Twins 2.0, however, have streamlined noses.

This showcase for successful plastic surgery is one of the most revealing and informative websites in the history of mankind. Learn all about celebrities' subtle breast augmentations, liposuction, rhinoplasty, brow Lifts, chin and cheek implants, blepharoplasty (correction of aging eyelids), lip augmentations/reductions, etcetera, etcetera.

Featured celebs include Tyra Banks, Jessica Simpson, Hilary Swank, Heidi Klum, Giselle Giselle Bundchen (or is it Bündchen?), Gabrielle Reece, Charisma Carpenter, and Adriana Lima - and that's just boob jobs! Marvel at the before and after pictures of the noses of Toni Braxton, Nicky Hilton, Mandy Moore, Lindsay Lohan, Kelly Rowland. Katie Holmes, Kate Winslet, Kate Hudson, Jennifer Aniston, Halle Berry, Gwen Stefani, Elisha Cuthbert, Nicole Richie, Christina Aguilera, Barbara Bush, Ashlee Simpson - and many more!

Perhaps less enlightening (because it's more obvious), but still quite interesting, is the companion site Awful Plastic Surgery, which shows off less convincing breast work, asymmetrical nose jobs, collagen overloads, and so on:

Courtney's most recent enhancement looks like an augmented chest area. It looks like she's gone from a small B cup to a full D which is too large and, most of all, noticeable on her frame. Going simply to the next size up would have been wiser and, best of all, almost imperceptible. But for some girls, porn star boobs seem the only way.

Thrill to the repeated rhinoplasty surgeries of Michelle Pfeiffer and Paris Hilton, and gaze in wonder at Tara Reid's implant scar (apparently displayed when she was shit-faced):

Tara Reid decided to show off her breast implant scars at a recent party. Oddly enough, given her high financial status, she did not get a doctor that puts the implant in through the belly button so that there was no scarring. She got them put in through the nipple. How cheap.

What's Nicole Kidman had done to her face?

Judging from photos, alot.
Rhinoplasty, brow lift, cheek implants, lip collagen, and lots of botox (she always seems to have problems making facial expressions and resorts to these weird gestures using her head).

Another important question: Did John Kerry get botox? And... did George W Bush have a nose job? The answers seem to be yes and yes.

This is part six of Superblog!!'s twentysix-and-a-half part Blog Marathon. All proceeds will be donated to charity.

Pull the Tube !!!

Alive, dead, coma, alive, stable, dead...? Come on!! I can't take the excitement any longer!!
Whatever, I'll try to make it. Since we're not strangers to blasphemy at Superblog!! here's a joke. Pretty harmless but maybe posting it will send me to the realm of mr Satan.

As the Pope lay dying he is visited by an angel who tells him that before he dies, God has commanded that he must make love to a young virgin so he may know and understand the earthly pleasures he gave up his whole life.The Pope argues for a while but then finally agrees to do it if certain conditions are met: "First, she must be blind so she cannot see the desecration I will perform on her body!""Second, she must be mute so she can never repeat the unspeakable act I will be performing on her body!""Third, she must be deaf so she cannot hear the unspeakable acts I will be performing on her body." The angel writes these down and begins to float away to report back to God. Just before he disappears, the Pope leans forward and says, "One last thing." "What is it," says the Angel. The Pope whispers "Big tits."

Ha ha ha ha ha !!! LOL !!!! Where do they come up with stuff like that? Ha ha ha !!! That couldn't possibly be considered blasphemy. Too much fun to be blasphemy.

Blasphemy (Greek blaptein, "to injure", and pheme, "reputation") signifies etymologically gross irreverence towards any person or thing worthy of exalted esteem.

This might be blasphemy:

Pope on a rope
In catholic middle school they taught us that god spoke through the mouth of the pope.I guess he's now speaking through a little hole in his throat.Lesson to kids: that's where hate speech will getcha!

But on the other hand. Is the pope worthy of exalted esteem? If he's not it can't be blasphemy. Hurray!!!
And Yippieee! I have mentioned the word blasphemy five times, and now six times. That's gotta count for something.

A Good Squirrel is a Dead Squirrel

Fuck them! Fuck the little bastards! The following squirrels must be terminated immediately.

Asian pygmy squirrels. ( Exilisciurus)
Black flying squirrel. ( Aeromys tephromelas)
Black giant squirrel. ( Ratufa bicolor)
Gray-cheeked pygmy flying squirrel. ( Hylopetes lepidus)

That's for starters. We have to take care of the rest pretty soon. I have high hopes that Superblog!! readers around the world will unite against the woodland terrorists. For inspiration and wisdom i recommend this place. Lots of comments from folks who have grasped the seriousness of the threat.

If you ask me, squirrels come............STRAIGHT FROM HELL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!......
Truth be known, squirrels actually originated as a member of the rodent family. Most likely had something to do with perverted sexual activity with a rat. Think it over! The body shape, the teeth, the claws.....tree rats. It's only the bushy tail that sets them apart.

Carla Gugino's Censored Breasts in Sin City - Uncensored!

This is part three of our twentysix-and-a-half part Blog Marathon, published in as many hours. From The Superficial:

Sin City opens today and while you will see film nerds pretending that they’ve always been big fans of the comic book,

Yeah, because it's way cooler to be a comic nerd than a film nerd. ON BIZARRO WORLD. Anyway:

what you wont see is Carla Gugino’s enormous rack. Because her topless scene was edited out. Despite the fact that a government study proved that people love Carla Gugino’s enormous rack.

The horror! Thankfully they publish uncensored stills, featuring Carla Gugino's boobs, before updating with the additional, somewhat relevant, information that the scenes actually haven't been cut after all. IT WAS ALL A LIE.

So please, go see Carla Gugino's breasts in Sin City.

How to Keep your Beer Safe

Everything you ever needed to know about the squirrel threat to mankind. They are everywhere right now. I have to finish them somehow.

Blog Marathon, Part 1 of 26 ½

It seems like Matthew Broderick refuses to let the monkeys be used for bizarre experiments. I wish they would rip Matthew's head open and feed on his brains. Jessica Simpson is kind of good looking but the fact that her IQ is somewhere in the lower single digits makes her somewhat less attractive. I imagine that keeps her awake all night. Poor Jessica. Apu Nahasapeemapetilon has apparently sold his children to the highest bidder - what a fucking asshole! And someone is trying to sell me a new phone, oblivious to the fact that my old one, though crappy, is sufficient.

I have a bunch of digestive cookies in front of me, but they bring me no comfort. I don't know why I thought they would. Parts of my face feel like they're made of sand.

I can blog while drunk, but it requires some concentration and I'm not at all convinced it's worth the effort.