Saturday, April 29, 2006

Don't Be An Asshole.

I don't have any kids (I'm almost a kid myself), but if I did, here is the advice I would write in reverse on their foreheads to remind them of every time they looked in the mirror:

Don't fuck up. Don't be an asshole. Most of the players around you are enemies and allies alike. Stay healthy for awhile. You will get your revenge in the next life, or maybe you won't.

Most likely the social services would come and take them away after that, so their non-existence may be a good thing.

Friday, April 28, 2006


This is the best day ever! My life will soon be complete! Ayn!! You're so hot! I kiss you many times and in my dreams we will bow down together before the dollar and after that we'll eat flap jacks you and I.

Tuesday, April 25, 2006

KoalaCam #11: Legless in Duesseldorf

I took this picture while lying on the floor outside my hotel room in Germany a month or so ago. I stumbled and fell. BUT, to my credit, I got up shortly afterwards (before falling down again, this time onto my bed). The ghost in the background is my co-blogger. He had his own problems.

When I awoke, I had a headache. I took a shower and then assumed a fetal position while listening to bob hund on my iPod Nano. I tried to watch German television, but it was in German. I drank from the beer on my table, but it was stale. Everything had gone wrong.

Sunday, April 23, 2006

My Insane Sopranos Marathon Comes To An End

These past couple of weeks, I put my life on hold so I could watch every season of The Sopranos in order, and today I finally got up to date. That's 71 episodes. What a good idea that was. Especially considering I warmed up with several complete seasons of other HBO series, including Six Feet Under, Rome, and Deadwood.

Obviously, my eyes are bleeding as I type this. But it was worth it. My only regret is that I occasionally had to go to work, and do the laundry, and stupid shit like that. But now I'm done.

Friday, April 21, 2006

Photo #88: That's Flags

I saw those flags outside FOI and FOI is where the laser beams are invented. They are very deadly. I guess some yank was there to buy some and they figured that he would pay more if they showed the starry spangled banner. I must drink whisky and watch Evil Aliens now. Don't disturb. I have BTW a feeling that I've "blogged" about FOI earlier in my life but I'm too ignorant to check. Before you leave this grand blog.... Ponder the symbolism of that photo. See? Two Swedish flags and only one americanski flag. Must mean something. Am I right or am I right?

Wednesday, April 19, 2006

Absolut Fucking Anthem

In December 2004 I promised to teach you the second verse of the Swedish National Royal Fucking anthem...

Later on it contains stuff about willingness to die for this once upon a time mighty country.
But something more about that another day.

...and here it fucking comes because I've never broken more than a few promises in my life!

Okay, in Swedish first.

Du tronar på minnen från fornstora dar,
då ärat Ditt namn flög över jorden.
Jag vet att Du är och Du blir vad du var./:
Ja, jag vill leva jag vill dö i Norden. :/

Now everybody will sing it in English! Melody and more lyrics and funky flag provided here by computer nerds at the University of Linkopia.

You sit on a throne remembering when Sweden was big and awesome,
Yeah, its name flew across oceans and the rest of the world.
I know that you are and will become what you were
Yes mon! I want to fucking live and die at the north pole!

There! I delivered just like I said I would and for this I will go to heaven where I will be offered ham.

Monday, April 17, 2006

Photo #87: Birds Are Eating My Balls

They sure like my balls and I had to try the photo upload blogger thingie like 58 times so you better enjoy my balls you too. I'll be gone now and continue my Simpsons marathon. Tune in next weekend for more interesting bird pictures.

Sunday, April 16, 2006

Make Love Not Sense

Is what I would print on my t-shirts if I had a lot of money and used it to start manufacturing t-shirts.

Jebus. Blur blur blur. Sometimes there's a parrot on my shoulder and it tells me to drink and drink and drink. To drink myself to Stupid and beyond. To keep going hours and hours after my drinking partner has fled to the country. To spend all my money with a smile (albeit strained). Is it the Parrot of Alcoholism? Probably. I'll have to keep it in check with crackers or crack.

Thursday, April 13, 2006

It's The Thought That Counts

I was gonna post an amusing image to celebrate a guy I know, but, Blogger being what it is, it's apparently not going to happen. So: Let this SUPERBLOG!! post serve as reminder of all that's wrong with technology and society and humanity today. May they all perish imminently, leaving but dust.


Tuesday, April 11, 2006

Happy Douglas!!!!!!!!!

Congratulations, Douglas MacArthur! Today would be a double namnsdag (name day) for you, if you lived in Sweden, and/or was/were still alive/living! Too bad you're not! Idiot!

But! Many, many more congratulations to my dear friend SUPERBLOG!!, who celebrates its one hundred thousandth hit today! Oh, SUPERBLOG!!, I remember when you were still running around in short pants, or your underwear, or whatever it was you used to wear. Those were the days. May they never return.

Hey! Seeing as how I've already lost your attention, this might be as good a time as any to mention something I've been meaning to mention since forever but forgot about until this very minute, when I finally remembered it. Have you by any chance noticed the sidebar with "Our Most Beloved Posts"? There are currently four posts listed, and I have a feeling they're NOT the most popular ones (excepting the one with Carla Gugino). Because I just grabbed them out of my anus. So! Please tell us which post YOU like best, and why, and how, and when, and we'll maybe add it to the sidebar, or whatever.

Answer on a postcard! Mail it to, or anywhere, really. Prizes to be won! (Not really.)

P.S. Have you seen the picture Sammy drew for you? D.S.

P.P.P.P.S. Christ on a stick! How dumb/drunk/cool am I? The Douglas/Arthur day isn't today. It's THURSDAY. Thursday. All apologies. Idiot! (Me) D.Z.

Nothing Will Ever Be The Same Without Vilgot

I don't like you readers so I drew a picture for you. Enjoy. Do remember that Vilgot is dead. It doesn't matter much because he just made crappy movies. But still. He's dead. He looked like this (SATAN!) when he was alive.

Sunday, April 09, 2006

July 27, 2007

That's when the cows come home.

Friday, April 07, 2006

Photo #86: The Orange Revolution

This must be a great picture showing what the typical German man looks like. It's from this tiny little pub we visited in Duesseldorf. The guests were like retired or crazy and in some cases retired and crazy. Imagine how happy everybody became when a couple of young mad hatters like us came in and turned the sleepy little pub into a place that for the first time ever really rocked! We insulted them, we danced on their heads and kicked their butts but they just cried happy tears because we made them feel alive for the first time since the end of WWII. That's our mission you see. On the internet and in real life... To make miserable people feel OK for a while.

Wednesday, April 05, 2006

I'm So Hungry

Therefore, I'm gonna eat a Billy's Pan Pizza. Who among you is man enough to try and stop me? None, I dare say!

Here's part of a song I'm working on:

You may be king / But I hold the ace
I'll knock out your teeth / Piss in your face

It's called "Boom Boom Boom (Goes My Heart)".

Tuesday, April 04, 2006

Not Without My Anus

I have an anus. You have an anus. We all have an anus!!!

a·nus (ns)
n. pl. a·nus·es

The opening at the lower end of the alimentary canal through which solid waste is eliminated from the body. Also called anal orifice, fundament.

Anuses are not only for the disposal of solid waste even if that sounds like enough fun for one night. Your anus plays an important role for your abilities to enjoy safe and healthy sex.

Some people have said that they like having something in their anus during sex, with no pressure or movement, just presence. Other folks are really turned on by objects -- a finger, penis, or dildo -- moving in a rhythmic motion in their anus (they like the sensations deep inside). Whatever you like, have fun and be safe.

In case you didn't click that fine link I'd like to say that it contained information from Columbia University and since universities are never wrong you better believe that you would like an object -- a finger, penis, or dildo -- moving in a rhythmic motion in your anus.

Everything is Fine

Iraq Violence Kills at Least 50; 6 U.S. Personnel Reported Dead

Civilian body count: at least 33,821. So far.

The U.S. taxpayer cost: $270,734,324,104. Enough to fund, say, world-wide AIDS programs for 27 years. So far.

V for Video

Bush Was Right

Monday, April 03, 2006

"There's Nothing Wrong With Us!"

You know, if you really want to, you can watch the pilot episode of Welcome to Eltingville (2002), based on Evan Dorkin's comic strip The Eltingville Club. It's entitled "Bring Me the Head of Boba Fett". Starts stupid, but gets kind of fun after awhile.

Or you can just go download the theme song, which is better than the show itself.

Sunday, April 02, 2006

Bloggers Will Burn in Hell

Boooya-kasha or something like that. Blogging aint easy when you got a life. Yeah! I have a life and I'm proud of it. This weekend I've done lots of life related things like seeing relatives and I've been playing squash which by the way is a very manly sport. I lost but one day I will win. I have also been to a restaurant and I ate some food and after that I slept and this sunday I've been worshipping Gods and that's about it. No time for blogging until now.