Monday, October 31, 2005

How to Get Your Blog More Attention

#1A) Stop calling it Superblog!!, start calling it SUPERBLOG!! - all caps, baby. Aside from making your blog's name more visible on that super-electric highroad of infotainment I like to call the Internet (Väbbylafskjet in Swedish), it has the added benefit of irritating people.

This is what we in the industry call a Good Thing, because (listen up, kids) most people are assholes who deserve to be irritated. If I had the time, I would personally go around to people's houses with a big blackboard and scratch it with my fingernails, producing extremely annoying noices. Writing SUPERBLOG!! in capital letters is, to my mind, the next best thing.

#1B) Urge everybody you know on the Interwebby to call it SUPERBLOG!! as well. Criticize them strongly if they still write it as Superblog!! or, even worse, "Superblog!", "Superblog", "Super Blog", Sperm Blog", or somesuch suchlike. Call them "fuckfaces", and "mongoloids" and tell them that failure to comply with this new directive will earn them a date with Death. (And I don't mean the cute goth chick, I mean the guy with the scythe.)

#2) Have a beer. You've earned it.

SUPERBLOG!!: Making The Universe A Far Better Place, A Few Molecules At A Time

Sunday, October 30, 2005

Oink Oink Oink

Wow! It's the most equal pig of them all! Swedish Prime Minister Goran Persson himself! Last blogged about here and speaking about the trolls. Koala was here 45 minutes ago and he refused to blog. Kill him when you see him!! No, don't do that. He's a nice guy. He will probably entertain us again any day now.

Thursday, October 27, 2005

Photo #63: Sammy's Magic 8-Ball

Beware of my magic 8-Ball... I bought it at Teknikmagasinet and they're the real deal when it comes to needful things. Their slogan goes like this: Teknikmagasinet - The meaning of life! Bullcrap! Superblog!! is the meaning of all life. We will sue them I guess and see them in court and I will get all their magic 8-Balls and stuff. Not that I need any other 8-Ball than the one in my hand. It really works and I will reveal it's powers here and now.

Will Goo ever conquer Superblog!! ? - My sources say no

Is Dubya gay? - Absolutely not

Should Afe change his name to Agfe again? - A definite yes

Can we expect that steamy love affair between Sara and Koala soon? - Are you kidding

You see? There can only be one.... and it's mine... my own!! It's the one and only 100% working Magic 8-Ball. Feel free to challenge it's powers if you dare. The truth will set you free or eat you alive.

Wednesday, October 26, 2005

Superblog!! Fan Art

Eat me kind Sir

This image was made especially for Superblog!! by our fan/stalker/nephew/murderer/slaveboy Moocko the Mook. I think he sent it to me several months ago, but I never got around to posting it. Until now.

Superblog!! extends its heartfelt thanks, mixed with the customary smidgen of contempt.

Tuesday, October 25, 2005

Photo #62: Ancient Porn

Look at this, it's a naked chick having raw animal sex!! Nope, just kidding, it's the Queen of the Night which is almost the same thing. I took that photo in London and that's the city where they speak English instead of American.

Although we do not know exactly who she is, we have called her the 'Queen of the Night' because of her drooping wings, the owls on either side of her and because the background of the plaque was once black.

You stupid Brits!! I command you to rename her 'Naked Chick having Raw Animal Sex' because that's what people think when they see her. Here's another chick from London. Ta-da! Wow I sound like I'm gay! I'm not. Anyway... last time I posted I claimed that most of you are stupid and yes, most of you are incredibly stupid which is why I'll link to this educational site about ancient porn in ancient Rome. Learn for God's sake!!! Learn about the fascinating phallus and other genital related things!

"Here Harpocras has had a good fuck with Drauca for a denarius." (C.I.L. IV, 2193; graffiti in a brothel at Pompeii)

Fuck, fuckity fuck! Hey! This was worth mentioning too. If you google "educational site" you'll get 666,000 hits. That probably means something.

Monday, October 24, 2005

Sweden is Fascist

Did you know the Swedish government is making me pay a fee just because I have a television set?! The fee is something like 2,000 crowns a year. Two thousand fucking crowns! That's the equivalent of at least 40 beers in a semi-expensive Swedish pub. And the beer in Sweden is horribly expensive! (Another sure sign of a fascist country!)

They showed up on my doorstep this evening and wanted me to sign a note acknowledging that I own a TV. And like an asshole, I signed it! (What can I say, I'm diabolically stupid and probably don't deserve to live.)

I piss on the Swedish government, especially Goeran the Fat Pig. In fact, I piss on the entire Kingdom of Sweden, including all it's citizens. I urge you to do the same. Metaphorically.

But I do think that the next time you see a Swede, you should kick him in the balls. Repeatedly. (If it's a girl, just punch her out, quickly. Be a gentleman.) The violence will serve as a wake-up call.


Sunday, October 23, 2005

Photo #61: I've Got Wood

Today's magical experiences include the sawing of wood. I used my wood cutting chainsaw!! Too bad it's an electrical one. Electrical machines aren't as macho as petrol machines so I will use a real one or dynamite the next time a tree bothers me. Here's a nice link to a giant wood penis and here are some other wood related links.

Elijah Wood Natalie Wood Woody Allen

I also recommend most of you (most of you are very stupid) to read about the invention of the chainsaw. It's Osteotome time!!!

The osteotome made it easy to cut through hard bone without the impact of hammer and chisel or the jolts of a reciprocating saw. The surgeon skilled in its use could now resect bone without splintering it, perform craniotomies with smooth-edged holes, and cut in topographies that did not permit access to a circular saw — without damage to surrounding tissue, all by himself, and with a minimum of force and time. Heine became an instant celebrity and was invited to demonstrate his invention at clinics all over Europe and even at the Court of the Czar.

Without heroes like Heine - No Texas Chainsaw Massacre. Thank you Heine for making my life better.

Hot Monkey-on-Starfish Action

IS THIS TOMORROW? The video clip will envelope you with AWESOMENESS.

Superblog!!'s good friend Moo Cow sent us this music video featuring ADOLF HITLER. Mr Hitler was a very bad man who lived a long time ago.

I've recently become obsessed with HUMPTY DUMPTY. Mr Dumpty is also very bad, but, being fictional, he can't hurt anyone. Except PSYCHOLOGICALLY.

I am now going to eat some SANDWICHES.

Saturday, October 22, 2005

Never Try

You better believe it. I tried to blog but since Booger refused to upload my stunning picture I'm just calling the whole thing off. Ahhrg or Uhhh? Movie now, maybe blog later (Haha! Very likely).

Friday, October 21, 2005

America... Needs... Brains


Haha, take that, Captain America! This is what me and Ralph Nader will do to you and your imperialist friends! Get it? I am being metaphoric. Metaphoric... like an ox.

(For the comics illiterate among you, this is of course an homage of Jack Kirby's cover to Avengers #4.)

Click for a larger image, or just for fun!!

Thursday, October 20, 2005

Death Becomes Me

Gibberish gibberish, blah blah, yap yap yap.

Wednesday, October 19, 2005

I Am Not Well-Read

I have read exactly 14 percent of TIME Magazine's top 100 novels from 1923 to the present. (To be fair, in several instances, I've read other books by the authors in question. But still.)

(And to be more than fair, I have managed to pick the cream of the crop. Of my 14 books, nine rank in the reader's top ten.

(Of course, readers are stupid.))

And I've only seen 20 of the top 100 movies.

And to be percectly frank, I haven't had sexual relations with any of the top 100 sexiest women. (As far as I know. I didn't really read through that one.)

Or, for that matter, any of the top 100 Millennium Men. (Same caveat, but I'd be very surprised.

(And I absolutely fucking refuse to read the Top 10 Things You Should Know Before You Blog.))

Tuesday, October 18, 2005

Go Nader!

You're the best Ralph! We love you. Especially Koala who promised to kiss your ass until Christmas Eve, 2005.

För att visa var skåpet ska stå ska Superblog!! från detta ögonblick och till julafton hylla Ralph Nader på daglig basis.K.M. Förtydliganden:1) Jag menar julafton 2005.2) Nader är förstås inte alls ultraliberal, han heller. Men han kanske retar upp Sammy och det är det som räknas.Tack för mig.K.M.

Translation: In order to the each sensible cabinet will stand will Superblog!! from this while and to Christmas Eve shelf Ralph Nader on daily basis. K.M. Elucidations: 1) I mean Christmas Eve 2005.2) Nader is of course not at all ultraliberal, he neither. But he perhaps teases up Sammy and the is the as being counted. Thanks for me. K.M.

Maybe I promised CAKE, but you Sir Mentala promised to sniff Nader butt for almost a year. What are you gonna do about this? Where's the trust? Where's the love?

Monday, October 17, 2005

Superblog!! Enemies #2: The Morally Bankrupt Sammy Sneeze

Goddamn that lousy Randian nutjob! Going to Whatstony and doing stupid stuff instead of offering me CAKE!! That got me so mad, I had to go out drinking. (You know it's bad when I resort to alcohol.)

Also, he has stolen my precious copy of the only computer game I ever played! Plus, he smells. Also, he doesn't keep enough money on his stupid credit cards, resulting in DISASTER for everybody.

See that picture above? That's me shovelling and Sammy trying to molest me. But it's not gonna work, because I have the shovel and I'm not afraid to use it!

Yes! Uncle Sammy needs an extra shovelful up his ass! Yes! Superblog!! has spoken.

They're Here....

Fuck! The birds have come! With a vengeance.

A deadly bird flu virus may have struck Greece, entering the European Union for the first time after killing at least 60 people in Asia.

I have done my math and ETBA, Estimated Time of Bird Arrival is only a few days from now. I will do my best to keep you updated about this new and lethal Superblog!! enemy. In case we die....I demand a memorial to the glory of Superblog!! Something like this would be appropriate.

Sunday, October 16, 2005

Photo #60: Sammy - The Journey Man

Look at them clouds swirling! I enjoy flying a lot because when on a plane you're way higher than most of the time and you can't hear the stupid people below and their silly screams. Plus, when you get off the plane you are somewhere and mostly that somewhere is an interesting place. You don't want to go places by boat. Bad things usually happens. Trains are bad too. Except in the US.

Here are some places I liked: New York, Penthouse Suite at the Mirage in Las Vegas, Kamala Beach, Amsterdam.... I actually used a car to get to Amsterdam but nothing bad happened. Really.

Here are some places I don't like: Tallin in Estonia. Don't go there! Stay away from Dunkerque aswell. People there are weird and evil.

Thursday, October 13, 2005

The Nobel Prize in Literature 2005

The Nobel Prize in Literature for 2005 is awarded to the American actress Jessica Biel

"who in her movies (especially Blade: Trinity) uncovers the precipice under everyday prattle and forces entry into oppression's closed rooms".

In a related story, Esquire magazine has named English writer Harold Pinter the Sexiest Woman Alive.

Esquire says Pinter is an “underground icon to the generation of men who are coming of age now.” Esquire’s editor in chief says Pinter is “talented and about to burst onto the scene.” He’s in the movie “Elizabethtown” that comes out October 14.

You can read about this here or here or here or everywhere. Or anywhere.

That is if you can read, which many Superblog!! fans can't.

(Update: To get serious for a second, you can watch the announcement in RealPlayer.)

Photo #59: Poop Art

Welcome to the pleasuredome of poop. This is what you see if you ever visit a Swedish outdoor pooperia. I don't know the English word for this. Huh? It's called a 'utedass'. I will google it for your convenience!!! Hold on plz. I found pictures too! Anyways, I was trying to convey that special feeling you can get when taking a dump in Sweden. Old school.

Here's a poop poem I found and learned to love. Reciting that while pooping sure makes me laugh.

Toilets are white
Poopie is brown
And I spread my poopie
All over the town.

Tuesday, October 11, 2005

Superblog!! Gender Riddles

A man and his son are in a car accident. The man is killed immediately. The son is taken to hospital. The doctor takes one look at the patient, and says: "I can't operate on him - he's my son!"

How can this be?!

Answer: The doctor was mistaken. In fact, he didn't even have a son, just a cat. The cat's name was Toby.

Everybody Hates a Loser!

That's why YOU should try to be a winner! Answer any or all of the questions below and win a trip to Falun.

Who's that sad man? Why's he poking at his eyes? Is he suffering from calcium deficiency? How does he sleep at night? What's on his mind? Does he know the meaning of the word reciprocity ?

Reciprocity works like this: you give someone something of value for free. That individual feels an obligation to return the favor. Reciprocity is a very powerful principle.

Monday, October 10, 2005

The Superblog!! FAQ

Why is Sammy apparently hellbent on destroying Superblog!! with lazy and sporadic blogging?

Has Koala really moved to a place called "Falun", thereby possibly damaging Superblog!! irreparably... or is it just an elaborate SHAM?

Is it true that both Sammy and Koala are famous and respected in their respective communities, and thereby required to hide their faces and blog under pathetic aliases?

How many University degrees do they hold between them, and just how fucking old are they, anyway?

Why was only one Superblog!! Enemy ever given the spotlight, when everybody knows the world is full of enemies of Superblog!!?

What percentage of Superblog!! entries are written and/or posted in a drunken stupor? (Examples are too plentiful to list.)

Who is John Galt?

Is Carla Gugino responsible for upwards of 25 percent of all Superblog!! hits?

How did Michael Keaton become the Patron Saint of Superblog!!?

Please supply your own answers, as well as additional questions. I promise to personally ignore them completely.

Sunday, October 09, 2005

This is A Bunny

Yeah, some kooks somewhere tortured a few grannies until they agreed to make that giant Bunny.
Get off my back now. Monkies.

Thursday, October 06, 2005

This is Not a Nazi Emblem, and I am Not a Nazi

Now I'll tell you the story of my recent adventures.

There comes a time in every young man's life when he has to say, "Fuck everything, I'll sell the ranch and move to Falun". For me, that time came, so that's what I did.

Falun has little or nothing to do with the Falun Gong movement, so don't you go sending your Chinese Communist terrorist assassins after me, mister! It is instead a smallish town in the middle of Sweden, which is another way of saying the middle of nowhere. Using the Internet, it's now fully possible to learn stuff about Falun! For example:

Falun is a city [shut up! it's a town!] in central Sweden and the seat of Falun Municipality. It is located in the province of Dalarna, at 60°36′ N 15°37′ E and has about 35,000 inhabitants. Together with the surrounding area, Falun Municipality has 55,000 inhabitants. The city of Falun received its privileges in 1641.

1641! That's ages ago. I'll bet even your grandparents weren't born back then. But it gets worse:

The town of Falun is known to have existed in the 14th century as a market place for the surrounding lands. Mining for copper had been a local business since the mid-1200's and the organisation for the extracting of copper and gold from the Great Copper Mountain (Stora Kopparberg) is believed to be the oldest still existing enterprise in the world, proved active since 1347.

Copper? That's way better than gold!

Falun has also applied for the Olympic Winter Games but hasn't received them yet.

And, if I have anything to say about it, never will.

And that's my story.

Wednesday, October 05, 2005

Bret Must Die

I might be a slow blogger but I'm faster than Bret. I'm also better looking and a better golf player.

Tuesday, October 04, 2005

I... Live...

Monday, October 03, 2005

Photo #58: Go Isotopes!

They're actually called Linkoping Lions and so far this season it's three games, three wins. You could almost believe that I cared, and I do. I will now present a list with things that I care more about than blogging.

1. Breathing
2. Eating
3. Sleeping
4. Driving ms. Daisy
5. Looking at stuff (it still rules).
6. Porn
7. Bright lights

Uh.... never mind, let's all wait for the return of the Koala. He will tell us what to do. I know what I will tell him.

Superblog!! is a daily journal of stupid fun. --- No way Koala! That's wrong and evil!!!
Superblog!! is a daily journal of stupid fun (published weekly). --- So much better! Let's go for that!

Sunday, October 02, 2005

Mega Champion of Blogging 2005

It's official now. It aint gonna be me this year.