Cookie Monster Forced to Betray Everything He Fucking Stands For

You may have heard of this. It came up at a party I attended this weekend, and at first I didn't believe it, then I was appalled. Appalled. This is my childhood hero, the Cookie Goddamn Monster, and those lousy Sesame Street people are forcing him to eat fucking vegetables and shit! I'm not alone in my outrage:

My beloved blue, furry monster — who sang "C is for cookie, that's good enough for me" — is now advocating eating healthy. There's even a new song — "A Cookie Is a Sometimes Food," where Cookie Monster learns there are "anytime" foods and "sometimes" foods.

"Sacrilege!" I cried. "That's akin to Oscar the Grouch being nice and clean." (Co-workers gave me strange looks. But I didn't care.)

Why are you doing this, Lousy Sesame Muppets? What part of "C is for cookie, that's good enough for me" don't you understand?

They sent me to Dr. Rosemarie T. Truglio, the show's vice president of research and education.
She said the show changes every year, focusing not just on teaching numbers and letters but also emotional and physical health. With the rise in childhood obesity, Truglio said "Sesame Street" is concentrating on the need to teach children about healthy foods and physical activity.
This season, each episode opens with a "health tip" about nutrition, exercise, hygiene and rest.
Truglio said "Sesame Street" also will introduce new characters, such as talking eggplants and carrots, and offer parodies, such as "American Fruit Stand." Even guest stars will address healthy activities, such as Alicia Keys talking and singing about the importance of physical activity.

American Fruit Stand? MADNES. Alicia Keys? KRAZYTALK. Superblog!! should be a guest star on Sesame Street. Superblog!! would tell people that you can lose weight by smoking, and that you can stay awake late if you drink lots and lots of coffee, and that alcohol is the base of a nutritious breakfast. This is just crazy. Cookie Monster should get his own show, where he can eat all the cookies he want.

Also: is a MONSTER really the best spokesman for healthy eating?

Also: Cookie Monster's eyes are weird. Is he emotionally disturbed in some way?