Monday, February 28, 2005

The Academy Awards are for the Rich and the Stupid

I know what you're wondering: Did Superblog!! stay up all night watching the Academy Awards? (Because of the time difference, it started at 3:00 a.m. here in Sweden. I don't know when it started in Brazil, but it doesn't matter because Superblog!!'s Brazilian outpost has failed miserably in its mission.)

The answer? Fuck no! The Oscars are completely devoid of interest to anyone who a) doesn't have an economical stake in the outcome, or b) isn't a total moron. Just take a look at recent "Best Picture" winners.

Titanic? Gladiator? A Beautiful Mind? All three fall in the category of fairly well-crafted Hollywood entertainment. Each of them rate about three Michael Keatons in the Superblog!! rating system. They are, in a word, mediocre. Which is exactly what characterizes Oscar winners. A five-Keaton-movie could never win Best Picture. The truly great films have always been overlooked, and there's no reason to think that will change in the future. As Citizen Kane lost to How Green Was My Valley, so Mulholland Drive lost to A Beautiful Mind.

There are a few exceptions (The Godfather movies won, even if only because Hollywood is controlled by the Mafia), but on the whole, that's the way it is.

Did Dr Strangelove win Best Picture? Did 2001? Paths of Glory? A Clockwork Orange? Of course not. In fact, Stanley Kubrick (the director of all those movies, and generally recognized as one of the greatest directors of all time... also my favorite director, but that's TOTALLY coincidental...) never once won the Best Director Oscar.

Neither did Orson Welles. So far, neither has Robert Altman or Martin Scorsese (he was again passed over last night, in favor of Clint Eastwood. Here's the complete winners list). And obviously foreigners like Ingmar Bergman, Federico Fellini and Akira Kurosawa can't compare to the likes of Best Director winners James Cameron, Ron "the Grinch" Howard, and Schmaltzy Steven Spielberg.

Why is that? It's because the jury consists of stupid old actors and cinematographers who have spent their lives creating James Bond movies. There's nothing wrong with that, but it hardly makes them qualified to judge Art. To a certain extent, it's even understandable that the Academy ignores the very best movies, since those generally are ahead of their time. It takes a few years for people to catch up. But that doesn't explain why the Academy consistently fails to recognize Superior Entertainment as well. Add Alfred Hitchcock to the list of people who never won Best Director. In fact, add just about anyone who comes to mind.

The Academy Awards have very little to do with rewarding greatness. Their purpose is two-fold: making rich people richer, and making stupid people stupider.

Superblog!! will destroy anyone who says otherwise.

Numa Numa Dance (Dragostea Din Tei)

Here, once more, is a link to the video of a fat guy dancing and singing (well, miming) Romanian pop song "Dragostea Din Tei".

To long-time Superblog!! visitors, who may understandably be bored of Numa Numa by now, here's a bonus: Evian's "Waterboy" commercial. It will set your minds free. Evian is a company that produces mineral water from the French Alps. And it's not just any kind of water:

Evian Natual Spring Water begins as rain and snow falling on the pristine peaks of the French Alps.
It then filters through a vast aquifer deep within the mountain for at least 15 years before emerging at the Cachat Spring in the town of Evian-les-Bains before being bottled in a state of the art facility.
Each and every bottle of Evian carries within it the water's rich and unique history that began thousands of years ago.

This Superblog!! entry was brought to you by EvianTM

Sunday, February 27, 2005

Tsunami: Thank God I Never Actually Posted This Tasteless Image

... and some other Superblog!! entries that were recently rejected at the planning stage:

Alaska Woman Cuts Off Boyfriend's Penis:

At some point, the pair decided to have sexual relations and the man agreed to have his arms tied to a window handle above their bed. The woman pulled out a kitchen knife severed the man's penis, police said. She then flushed the penis down the toilet, untied the man and drove him to the hospital.

This Lovely Painting Can Be Yours for $1,100:

Batman Draped in Thai Silk
Jirapat Tasanasomboon
Painting. Acrylic on Canvas.

See Talentless Limb Bizkit Singer Engage in Sexual Intercourse with Some Girl:

Fred Durst's hardcore porn video, t-mobile, sex clip and cell hacked by the T-MOBILE TERRORIST

Pope John Paul II is Fucked:

[...] rushed to the hospital in an ambulance Thursday suffering from a relapse of the flu, a fever and congestion, the Vatican said, a day after the pontiff made his longest public appearance since being discharged from the clinic two weeks ago.

Britney's Guide to Semiconductor Physics:

It is a little known fact, that Ms Spears is an expert in semiconductor physics. Not content with just singing, in the following pages, she will guide you in the fundamentals of the vital laser components that have made it possible to hear her super music in a digital format.

Black People Love Us!:

We are well-liked by Black people so we're psyched (since lots of Black people don't like lots of White people)!! We thought it'd be cool to honor our exceptional status with a ROCKIN' domain name and a killer website!!

Borat (Ali G) at a Rodio in the United States (from Yahoo, link now dead):
After telling the crowd he supported America's war on terrorism, he said, "I hope you kill every man, woman and child in Iraq, down to the lizards ... And may George W. Bush drink the blood of every man, woman and child in Iraq." He then sang a garbled version of "The Star-Spangled banner."

Superhero Movies Suck, Ice Cream Rules

Among the important news stories censored by the mainstream media this week is the following:

Patrons of The Comics Journal messageboard discuss whether or not it's impressive that this ridiculous piece of shit cost only $50,000 to make. Maybe it is, I don't know. It's a trailer for a fictitious movie about Dick Grayson, a.k.a. Robin, avenging the death of his best friend Batman and saving Gotham City from the Joker and stuff. Guest-starring Catwoman and Superman! Keen observer Tom Spurgeon says:

That was hilarious. Look, if anyone wants to spend 50 thousand bucks on a trailer to a non-existent film starring fucking Robin, god bless them, but they deserve as many kicks to the groin area as there are legs.

Anyway, what I wanted to get to was that later in the thread someone posts a link to this vastly superior Batman movie. It's in Flash and, best of all, only about a minute long. Superhero action! Drama! Ice cream!

Saturday, February 26, 2005

Copacabana Still Sandy as Hell

I'm alive which is more than you can say about Brazilian WiFi. It sucks ass, doesn't work very well and they charge you mucho dineros (or Reals as they call the currency here). Anyway, Uncle is alive but it's more work than fun. (Copacabana was nice though!) Big fat credit to Koala for keeping it up.

Gays are Trying to Ruin Our Kids

You know who Jack Chick is? Of course you don't. You don't know anything. That's why you come to Superblog!! - To learn.

Jack Chick is... hell, I'm too lazy to go into it. Here's Wikipedia:

Jack Thomas Chick (born April 13, 1924) of Chick Publications is the creator of comic-style tracts and larger comic books for the purpose of Christian evangelism in a fundamentalist theology. Jack Chick is an Independent Baptist and a dispensationalist.
He has currently started the Children's Series of the tracts. Lessons in these tracts have included Chick's view that evolution is false, and that homosexuality and celebrating Halloween are immoral.

His website has tons of brilliant online comics ("Chick Tracts") that tell you how you MUST live your life if you want to get into Heaven. Apparently, his followers leave the printed versions around in phone booths and train stations, so that a lot of people will receive God's message.

The tracts are quite bizarre. A lot of the time the arguments are counter-intuitive. Often footnotes supply Bible quotes that aim to "explain" why something is evil, but they mostly confuse. And the tracts make explicit that whether you're a Good Person or not is irrelevant to where you go after death. The important thing is that you subscribe to exactly the right branch of The One True Faith.

Among the many, many things that Chick - and thus God - finds Evil with a capital E are...
Catholics (they're not true Christians)
sex outside of marriage (did you know that it gives you AIDS, even if you wear a condom?)
rock music (including Elvis and the Beatles)
and partying.

It's hard to pick a favorite, because they're all so great. Seeing as how homosexuality is a recurrent theme on Superblog!!, however, I want to give special mention to "Birds and the Bees", from which the above image was taken.

Go read, welcome Jesus into your heart, renounce your evil ways, and be saved.

Your brother in Christ,


Superblog!! doesn't feature as much violence and perversion as the Bible, but we do try.

Friday, February 25, 2005

Our Wacky Neighbors #3: Wills, Fags, and Greeks

Maybe you know the drill by now. Every few weeks, we encourage Superblog!! visitors to check out three other Blogspot sites by publishing a sample from each blog. (Here are the first and second installments.) The selection process is scientific TO THE MAX! - mostly we click on "Next Blog" up in the corner and see what turns up. But we do practice some sort of quality control, making sure that the featured blogs are interesting.


I have decided to post a living will right here on my blog. That way it's out there for the world to see should anything happen. This I do to remove any doubts about my wishes thus hopefully avoiding a battle between the right to die and the right to live chaos that reigns.

In my early 20's I began having a sexual awakening of sorts. I fantasized about guys my age, and strangely enough, I fantasized about being raped by them, but I couldn't equate my fantasies with being queer. I just thought I was a straight guy who liked to fool around with other guys. Didn't all guys think that way? Ok, so the rape thing was a little out there, but guys couldn't really possibly like having sex with something that smelled like fish(this I knew from first hand experience) could they? No way!

You Think Ya Know But You Have NO Idea!:
Well guys...we all made it thru to friday! WOOOHOO! hehe i ended up workin last night for Christa...shes pregnant and sick and couldnt make it in to work. I felt bad. I really didnt wanna but i did it anyways. she was bitchin to me all day how shes soo sick..pukin...the whole 9 goddamn yards..and she practically begged for me to work...and how she tried to get someone else to cover but she couldnt. so she gave me the guilt trip. No i didnt fall for it...

That's all this time. Check them out, and then join us again here in a couple of weeks for another exciting edition of OUR WACKY NEIGHBORS!

Superblog 2!! - Giving Back to the Community

You Forgot Raping

And "wrecking" doesn't begin with an R, you stupid moron. Down with Superboy!

Thursday, February 24, 2005

Attention Star Wars Nerds! Everything That Happens in Revenge of the Sith Revealed

For those who care about this sort of thing (I don't, I haven't even seen the second movie yet), this webpage is packed with images and spoilers for the next Star Wars movie ("Episode 3"). A lot of the text is speculation, but either way it seems to give away most of the story.

So if you don't feel like watching the film, you can just scroll through the page while humming the soundtrack, and get pretty much the same experience. Or better yet - use the page as a storyboard and act out the entire story with your friends!
(Also hosted here. Link via the Beat.)

Scotty Doesn't Know

Speaking of travel... I didn't realize it at the time, but the previous entry's title was a labored (though unconscious) reference to "Scotty Doesn't Know", a song featured in Sergei Eisenstein's expressionist masterpiece EuroTrip (2004). In the movie, the song is performed by Matt Damon and "rock" band Lustra (it remains their closest thing to a hit).

The movie stars Scott Mechlowicz, Jacob Pitts, Michelle Trachtenberg, and Kristin Kreuk, and sports cameos by superstars like Vinnie Jones and Xena. Oh, and surprisingly, it kinda sucks (but in a good way). Rotten Tomatoes gives it a rating of 47%, which is probably fair.

The song, however, kinda rules (at least if you're drunk, which I hope you are), and you can listen and/or sing along to it here.

Sammy Doesn't Blog

A lot of people are probably anxiously asking "Whither Uncle Sammy?", since the last time we heard from him he was on his way to Frankfurt, chasing the ultimate high.

Or rather, he was then supposed to continue to São Paulo, Brazil. (As regular visitors know, Superblog!! is based in Sweden, in a little piece of shit city called, of all stupid things, Linköping.) We were expecting Sammy to fulfill his blogging duties from there , but by now it's obvious that he has been killed by glue-sniffing slum kids. At least, that's what we'll assume until we hear otherwise. Rest in peace, Sammy. You were a worthy electroshuffleboard opponent.

For those of you who have never heard of the country Brazil, the CIA's World Factbook supplies some information:

Following three centuries under the rule of Portugal, Brazil became an independent nation in 1822. By far the largest and most populous country in South America, Brazil overcame more than half a century of military intervention in the governance of the country when in 1985 the military regime peacefully ceded power to civilian rulers.

Perhaps more interestingly:

illicit producer of cannabis; minor coca cultivation in the Amazon region, used for domestic consumption; government has a large-scale eradication program to control cannabis; important transshipment country for Bolivian, Colombian and Peruvian cocaine headed for Europe and the US; also used by traffickers as a way station for narcotics air transshipments between Peru and Colombia; upsurge in drug-related violence and weapons smuggling; important market for Colombian, Bolivian, and Peruvian cocaine

Brazil is also a great Terry Gilliam movie. I hope to watch it soon in honor of my fallen adversary.

Wednesday, February 23, 2005

Constantine Movie's Suckiness Confirmed, Experts Say

Everything seems to point to the fact that the new Keanu Reeves vehicle, Constantine, will be just as crappy as all the nerds were expecting. I just saw the trailer on TV and they don't even pronounce the main character's name correctly. (It's Con-stan-TYNE, not Con-stan-TEEN. These things are important, for God's sake!) But that's Hollywood for you. I don't really care, since I had no real intention of seeing it. I just find it amusing to publicly criticize movies I don't know much about.

Constantine joins the proud rank of butchered Alan Moore film adaptations, that already include V for Vendetta, From Hell and The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen. (Fun Fact: While the movie version of League was tagged as "LXG" - to cash in on the success of the X-Men movies - the comic books/graphic novels are generally abbreviated LOEG.) These movies were previously discussed on Superblog!! As I said then:

Constantine would also seem to suck, considering that the studio's first decision was to transform the title character - a sarcastic, blond, working-class Liverpudlian - into a dark, brooding American.

Moore himself never actually wrote the John Constantine, Hellblazer comic book, though he created the character (his first appearance was in The Saga of the Swamp Thing #37, June, 1985).

Moore's friend Jamie Delano got to kick off the Hellblazer book, and a few years later Irishman Garth Ennis took over. The movie seems to be based on a storyline from Ennis' run on the book, Dangerous Habits, wherein Constantine gets cancer.

Fun Fact #2: The only reason that Constantine exists is because the Swamp Thing series' artists, Stephen Bissette and John Totleben, wanted to draw a character that had the visual appearance of the artist Sting, and Moore obliged. Since the character is owned by DC Comics, this is a piece of information they probably want to downplay, though Moore has said in interviews that Sting is aware of the character and finds it amusing.

Anyway, Keanu doesn't look much like Sting. As a matter of fact, he doesn't look much like John Constantine, either. Or talk or act like him. But that doesn't mean that the movie can't be GREAT!!

And I'm sure it is!

Superblog!! - Prone to wild mood swings

"Dragostea Din Tei" - The Numa Numa Dance Video with the Fat German Guy

Lately we've gotten a lot of traffic looking for the video of a fat German guy dancing and singing (or rather miming to) "The Numa Numa Dance", based on the song "Dragostea Din Tei" (originally performed by O-Zone, covered by Haiducii).

We linked to it in a previous entry. If you're too lazy to check it out, here's the direct link.

I guess at this point we should label it Superblog!!'s Inexplicable Web Phenomena of the Month. But we won't.

Superblog!! to Infinity and Beyond

Well, in 30 minutes I'm on my way to to Frankfurt. The beer and sausage town. If things work out I will be able to catch the flight to Sao Paulo where I will explore the opportunities to expand my mind and so on and so forth. In case of functioning laptop yours truly will try to find some WiFi-Hotspots and blog some. It will not be something like this.

At the coast next morning, I felt compelled to take a boat - hammock included - to visit the mouth of the Sao Francisco River, where its calm waters clash noisily with the Atlantic Ocean.
Then there was that gentle stroll among golden sand dunes in the shade of coconut trees.

Rest assured, from Brazil there will be more about food, more about sex and more about celebrities eating food and having sex!

Tuesday, February 22, 2005

Superman Comics of the Sixties: 'Jungle' Jimmy Olsen Marries 'Female King Kong'

Yeah. Did you know that the Superman comics of the 1960s features extremely wacky - and totally awesome - covers? (The stories inside are bizarre as well, but during this era DC apparently used to create the cover first, then use it as a springboard for the story, so the cover was in a sense the original "story".) Particularly disturbed are the covers for the spinoff books Superman's Pal, Jimmy Olsen and Superman's Bitch, Lois Lane. They always seem to pose a lot of questions, many of which aren't satisfactorily answered in the story.

Let's examine the Bad Craziness. This time we'll limit our investigation to Superman's Pal, Jimmy Olsen #98 (published in December, 1966), pictured above.

Okay, first of all, how did Superman become a licensed witch doctor? Don't you have to study several years for that? Was this tale preceded by a few years worth of stories featuring Superman taking a break from crime fighting (or whatever it is he does) to go back to school? (No, probably not, because back then the kids wouldn't have sat still for it. Which is a shame.)

Secondly, Jimmy is wearing some kind of toga and he says "this joke has gone far enough", strongly suggesting that he either was into it at some point, or pretended to go along with the idea of marrying the "female King Kong", only to now back down. Maybe Superman is calling Jimmy's bluff? Could this actually be some kind of bachelor party? Then again, the chick to the left in the picture is probably Jimmy's (human) girlfriend, and she being there is against the rules. Also, doesn't Jimmy have any other friends than Supes (and Ms Kong)? What about Clark Kent? Shouldn't he be here?

Thirdly, is the apelike creature aware of what's going on? Does she really want to marry Jimmy, or just mate with him? Did she herself put on that veil? She appears to be nude. Does she have an anatomy similar to human females, and if so, is this cover really in accordance with the Comics Code (notice the seal in the upper right corner)?

Fourthly, assuming Superman is licensed to marry people and this is a real wedding, what kind of wedding ceremony is he performing? This is obviously not a traditional Christian wedding, as Jimmy says he doesn't want to be married and Supes still goes ahead with it (in Christian weddings, it's custom for both bride and groom to say "I do" before the witch doctor pronounces them man and wife). Also, you'll notice that, as of this cover, Jimmy and the gorilla (or whatever) are in fact legally married, so any further bitching from Jimmy's side is quite useless. Unless DC Comics are misleading their readers with the cover. But they wouldn't do that, would they?

There are tons of things to say about this cover and I've only scraped the surface. However, lest you think that Bad Craziness is absent from modern comic books, a recent hit from DC Comics, Identity Crisis, apparently features rape, murder, brainwash, and even a superhero physically walking around in someone's brain, leaving footprints. The comic is, at least nominally, aimed at children. I haven't read it (and don't plan to), but the poorly drawn covers makes it look extremely fucking boring, even for stupid little kids.

So take Superblog!!'s advice - if you want to subject your children (or yourself) to Bad Craziness, seek out the 60s variety, not the modern kind.

By the way, I just noticed that "Superman's Pal" is an anagram for "Sperm, Anus Pal". Is that a coincidence?

Beckham Chooses Girlie Name Cruz for Boy. World in Shock!

David Beckham’s newest child, a boy, will be named Cruz. (It's a girlie name!) The names of the other Beckham kids are Romeo and Brooklyn. Why can’t they name their kids like normal parents do? What’s wrong with conventional names like Gouda, Almond, Cappuccino, Veal, Corn and Cheddar ?

A linguist in Spain is a little upset:

Lola Oria, a Spanish language tutor at Oxford University, described Cruz Beckham as a “stupid” name.
Cruz is commonly used as a surname and is an old-fashioned sounding girls’ Christian name, she added.
“I think it is quite a stupid name, quite frankly,” Ms Oria. “They will have problems in Spain because it will be seen as a name for girls.
“It is an old-fashioned girl’s name and also it is quite clearly Spanish and difficult to pronounce for an English-speaking person. “It is quite a strange thing to do to a little boy.”

Yes, it seems like David and Victoria have decided to defend the stupidity rumours already circulating.

On his way to an interview with Michael Parkinson he said: "He'll probably throw in some long words I won't understand." He said interviewers often tried to catch him and Victoria out and added that they often managed it.
Victoria chided him: "Don't say that, because people will think you're stupid and youre not."
"I am stupid - everyone thinks I'm stupid," he said.

Almost touching to read... Poor, poor David, you're so stupid... But in the end David is the one with the gazillions and the Ferraris and I’m the one with the wrinkled one-dollar bills (it's actually wrinkled 20-kronor bills), the Toyota and the pajamas so I don’t feel too sorry for him.

Monday, February 21, 2005

Superblog!! Online Until 2012 !!

So, when will it ever end? This dreadful existence that is. I have a few suggestions of my own. It shall all end when I'm tired of running it or the world will end when I decide so. Not only am I Uncle Sammy, I’m also a living God. (In case you haven’t noticed.)

Of course there are other less trustworthy predictions out there. According to the wacky Mayan star calendar the world (as we know it) will come to some kind of an end December 22, 2012. Something WILL take place that date but the theories about the true meaning of the date are as numerous as tinfoil hats. Get prepared for all kinds of scenarios here.

This website has been set up as a data-base for information about the year 2012 ( not including Olympic games and political candidates for elections and similar trivia). In the next few years, there is bound to be speculation over the possible meaning of the so-called "end of the Mayan calendar", and there are already various theories circulating, from the catastrophic to the ecstatic. In 1999, I started circulating a booklet called Beyond 2012, listing information, theories and ideas from diverse sources which predict 2012 as an evolutionary pinnacle; a leap in consciousness; a dimensional shift; an end of linear time; an encounter with an asteroid; mass genetic mutation from solar or cosmic rays; etc. The ideas come from scientists, artists, mystics, alternative Egyptologists, prophets, divinatory systems, shamanic psychonauts, mythology, and Mesoamerican research.

Grant Morrison, author of fine comics like The Invisibles, Arkham Asylum, and New X-Men has been pondering 2012 a lot. My well informed sources have told me that Grant Morrison is in love with all sorts of legal and illegal drugs so I guess that a lot of the pondering have been under the influence of fungus enhanced ketchup.

CXF: Last, but certainly not least. It's December 22, 2012. As humanity takes its last wistful look at the constraints of space-time and dives headlong into the Supercontext, where is Grant Morrison?
GM: Shagging like bloody Shiva, I hope. I think that if anything happens at all, it's most likely to come in the form of a mass consciousness change - possibly triggered by planetary electromagnetic field alterations predicted to occur around that time - so that basically everyone will start peaking on the acid trip that never ends. 'Individuality' will dissolve and your minds will start to merge into one mass mind, which is likely to seem quite frightening and overwhelming, especially for the sheltered minds, and time will seem to disappear as we identify with the mitochondria in our cells, instead of identifying with the physical individual carrier 'bodies' we use to expedite the shuffling around of DNA.

A somewhat more believable prediction is the one Mark Steyn got from the CIA. It ain't about the whole world, just covering our beloved European Union.

On the other hand, a new CIA analysis has predicted the collapse of the EU within 15 years. It's a bit unsettling to find that the guys at Langley who've got absolutely everything wrong for decades suddenly agree with me. If this pans out as most CIA analysis does, Europe is on course to be the hyperpower of the 21st century.

Let's hope so for the sake of Chirac and Schroeder and if the world is (really, really) coming to an end before 2012 you will read it at Superblog!! first.

Hunter S Thompson Goes to Heaven

If there is a heaven, surely Hunter S Thompson is sitting on the right side of God right this minute. Or possibly he has headbutted the Lord and usurped His throne. Because Dr Thompson shot himself in the head yesterday.

The estimable doctor wrote a bunch of classic books (several of which were illustrated by the great Ralph Steadman, from whom I ripped off the portrait above) and was portrayed on the screen by Bill Murray in 1980 and Johnny Depp in 1998.

I haven't really kept up with his recent work, but I vividly remember his 1994 eulogy for Nixon (entitled "He Was a Crook"), written at a time when it seemed like most people were busy sweeping Nixon's true legacy under the rug:

Richard Nixon is gone now, and I am poorer for it. He was the real thing -- a political monster straight out of Grendel and a very dangerous enemy. He could shake your hand and stab you in the back at the same time. He lied to his friends and betrayed the trust of his family. Not even Gerald Ford, the unhappy ex-president who pardoned Nixon and kept him out of prison, was immune to the evil fallout. Ford, who believes strongly in Heaven and Hell, has told more than one of his celebrity golf partners that "I know I will go to hell, because I pardoned Richard Nixon."

I have had my own bloody relationship with Nixon for many years, but I am not worried about it landing me in hell with him. I have already been there with that bastard, and I am a better person for it. Nixon had the unique ability to make his enemies seem honorable, and we developed a keen sense of fraternity. Some of my best friends have hated Nixon all their lives. My mother hates Nixon, my son hates Nixon, I hate Nixon, and this hatred has brought us together.

Superblog 2!! salutes you, Dr Thompson!

Penis Found in Ketchup May Actually Be Fungus, or Alien Invader

One of Superblog!!'s most popular entries ever was the story of the family that found something they believed to be a penis in their ketchup, published last Sunday.

Until now, we've neglected to mention that, according to the paper Ljusnan, a team of experts at the Official Swedish Crime Labs of Linköping have, after extensive testing, concluded that the penis isn't a penis. It's not a body part at all. It will take a while yet to figure out exactly what it is, but the experts believe it may be some kind of fungus or mushroom.

However, Superblog!! has a strong suspicion that it's actually an intelligent life form come from the stars to enslave the human race. This would explain the Crime Labs' reticience.

But let's not get carried away. It's too early to say with any certainty that this horrible alien who has already killed dozens of people by secreting poison is only a tiny part of the advance troop and that the rest still remain undetected, hidden in ketchup bottles across the world. Also, that trillions of the little fuckers will arrive here soon, and thus resistance is futile, is just idle speculation at this stage.

Superblog!! will continue to report on this story as it develops.

Sunday, February 20, 2005

What Does Your Name Say About You?

According to kabalarians, quite a lot:

Your name is extremely important. Your name is your life! It is how you identify yourself. It is how others identify you.

Much as the skeptics among us might want to respond to that statement with a hearty "No shit, Sherlock", maybe there is something to this:

Mind and thought have their origin in an abstract plane of conscious intelligence, which comes into manifest form through the symbols of language. The brain is not the source of the mind, but merely the physical instrument of the mind. When name is attached to an individual, certain specific forces of conscious intelligence are combined.
Languages, alphabets, and calendars are creations of mind that exist only in mind and are a part of mind. Their logic depends on consistency of their form and structure. An alphabet is a set of symbols representing the sounds of the language arranged in a definite order; a calendar is a consistent ordering of days, months, and years. The Kabalarian Philosophy contains the knowledge of the Mathematical Principle, which demonstrates the existence of nine basic forces of conscious intelligence that manifest in a natural sequence and operate through language and time, through name and the date of birth, to determine the mind, the pattern of thinking, and the life experiences of the individual.

Yeah, I know, it gets slightly nutty towards the end, but it's still interesting, isn't it? Here's the best part:

The Society of Kabalarians (a registered non-profit society) draws on over 70 years of research and experience in providing name analyses, which offer invaluable benefit to people in understanding their strengths and weaknesses both mentally and physically. The Mathematical Principle can be used to make recommendations for a change of name to a balanced name, which offsets the weaknesses of the old name, and tunes the mind to the true inner potential determined from one's date of birth. With a balanced name and understanding of the inner potential, everyone can make positive, constructive changes to achieve better health, success, harmonious personal relations, and a state of overall well-being.

Yadda yadda yadda. Anyway, I know what you're thinking now - "What does your name mean, Koala?" Thankfully, there are (as of this writing) 732,112 names in their database, and Koala is one of them:

Although the name Koala creates executive ambitions, we emphasize that it limits your versatility and scope, tuning you to technical details. This name, when combined with the last name, can frustrate happiness, contentment, and success, as well as cause health weaknesses in the reproductive organs, and elimination system.

Now that you mention it, I have been feeling a certain weakness in my reproductive organs of late. Maybe I should change my name? Then again, maybe not:

Your name of Koala has made you practical, systematic, and thorough. This name encourages the expression of leadership and organizational skills, shrewdness, and analytical ability. You are mathematically adept and have great patience with work of a detailed nature such as bookkeeping, accounting, or technical research. Particular about your material possessions, you keep everything you own in a good state of repair, and you budget your personal finances very carefully. Because of its matter-of-fact influence, this name limits, to some degree, your ability to be flexible and spontaneous. You tend to treat new and unfamiliar ideas with scepticism. Because of the serious, responsible qualities of your name, you must recognize the importance of a sense of humour and optimistic perspective of life.

Indeed. If only I didn't have such a serious name, maybe I'd be able to develop a sense of humor. You've convinced me. And while "Superblog!!" isn't in the database, I think they've got us pegged:

Your name of Blog has created a most expressive nature, idealistic and inspirational, driven with a strong inner urge to be of service in some way that would uplift humanity as a whole. However, there is a tendency to assume too heavy a burden of responsibility for others, which leads to worry and undue concern. People with problems are drawn to you as they recognize you as one who has understanding and gives not only sympathy and comfort but provides also some constructive advice or assistance. You have a generous quality to your nature, but you must guard carefully against giving more than you receive or you will find yourself doing without because you have helped someone else.

Sounds like Superblog!! in a nutshell. We give and give to you people, you take and take and give nothing back. Now, why don't you go and analyze your own name?

Postscript: A look at the etymology of "Koala" yields no results. The closest match appears to be KOLYA, which is a pet form of NIKOLAI, which is itself a Russian and Bulgarian form of NICHOLAS, which basically means "victory of the people". In case you were wondering.

Saturday, February 19, 2005

Viva Globalism!!

In just a few days Superblog!! will be reporting from two continents. Negotiations are under way to set up a joint venture between Superblog!! and some Brazilian power bloggers. Global domination has always been an issue. We'll keep you updated.

Story developing....

Bill Gates and the Floppy Disk of Tomorrow

Maybe not quote of the month but it will serve as the quote of today. Bill Gates in an interview with Peter Jennings:

JENNINGS: The public likes this tension between you and the others as I'm sure you know. So people want to know do you have an iPod. You say you don't have. Did iPod beat you in this issue?
GATES: Oh the iPod did a great job, but what Apple's done there is typically what they do. It's their, only their one music store, only their device. What we're doing is providing choices. So it's like the Apple computer versus the PC. With the PC you can buy from many companies so you get cheaper prices, you get more variety and here with music devices we're coming in with the same. But they're a strong leader in the space and I think as we gain share, people will be surprised.

Can you hear the five year old child speaking? "Bad Apple people! Bad Apple people trying to confine MY customers to one standard. We at Microsoft are all about choices!!" Here at Superblog!! we would never dream (much) about trying to deny our visitors the opportunity to visit other blogs. Keep in mind though that all they can offer is pain, suffering and mental desintegration.

Fat Guy Mimes, the World Laughs

A lot of you may have seen this one before, but some guy on the Internet assured me that every respectable blog must link to it, and you've got to listen to guys on the Internet, and Superblog!! is nothing if not respectable, so here goes: featured "The Numa Numa Dance", an amusing video of a fat guy miming to Romanian pop song "Dragostea Din Tei" (originally performed by Haiducii).

The video soon turned enormously popular. It's now been viewed at least a million times on the web, featured on CNN, and inspired a load of copycats.

See it here.

This is Superblog!!'s pick for Inexplicable Web Phenomena of the Week.

Update @ 17:02: Apparently the song was originally performed by O-Zone. Haiducii's version is a cover. Superblog!! (who had never heard of either one) regrets the error.

Friday, February 18, 2005

Meatballs versus Spaceballs

The Swedish National Space Board are planning for Sweden's first manned mission to outer space. Okay, that might be a lie but it might also be true! Honestly, I don't know how the Swedish space endeavours will end but they sure are making progress in Stockholm.

Researchers at the Karolinska Institute in Solna near Stockholm have a long experience in physiology research in microgravity and hypergravity (a human centrifuge is situated on the premises).
A group under leadership of Dag Linnarsson is studying the effects of gravity on the function of lungs and the cardiovascular system. A group led by Per Tesch is developing excersice equipment to counteract loss of muscle mass and bone minerals during prolonged spaceflight.

How funky is this?! People are spinning around like crazy and they are designing friggin' exercise bikes for space use!! Hopefully Swedish spaceball de luxe Christer Fuglesang will be the commander in chief. (Of the space ship, not the centrifuge.)

Libertarian Blogger Poses as Girl, Gets Lots of Internet Friends

Here's a story to warm your heart: blonde chick starts stupid Libertarian blog, stupid Libertarian blog takes blogosphere by storm, blonde chick is revealed by boy detectives to look startlingly similar to a Russian mail-order bride, chick comes clean about actually being a guy, everybody laughs.

Well, no, actually. Some people are pissed, some disappointed:

I was so happy and excited to find another young libertarian woman in the blogosphere. There are so few young women in the movement -- when I go to the local Libertarian Party meetings, it's 90% men, and the other women there are all middle aged moms and lesbians.

The guy in question turns out to be the biggest loser in the whole wide world (unless, of course, this is a hoax, too):

Well I may be an unemployed man without a wife or girlfriend still living with my parents despite being over the age of 30, but at least I’m not so stupid as to think that a gorgeous young girl would be the author of a popular libertarian blog. She’d be too busy having fun.
Libertarians tend to be ugly because it’s an anti-majority philosophy. People who are attractive have an easy time going through life and derive far too many advantages from the status quo to ever question it. It’s only outsiders, who are usually ugly, who join up with fringe movements.

At least one commentator takes issue with that claim (keep in mind that irony is very hard to detect on the web):

I'm a libertarian and I am not ugly. My parents say I am handsome.

Another interesting comment (expressing thoughts shared by Superblog!!):

You know, the reason I didn't have a hard time believing it was because I actually didn't think the girl in the picture was all that hot.
Also, I think everybody is actually used to blonde, airhead, pseudo-hot women being right-wingers. Think Ann Coulter, Laura Ingraham, Heather Macdonald, etc.

Perhaps the most important lesson learned from this adventure, if we're to believe Libertarian Girl/Guy, is how easy semi-good looking chicks have it on this here Interwebthing:

When I had a blog as my real self, no one linked to me, no one left any comments, it was as if the blog existed in a vacuum. But things were different for Libertarian Girl. Every day I’d check Technorati and discover new unsolicited links. It was like I had warped into an alternate universe where all the rules had changed. At the rate things were happening, this would have been an A-list blog in a few more months.
This effect no doubt carries over into the real world. Whenever I see an attractive woman with a successful career, I’ll remember the experience of this blog and assume that she didn’t really get there on merit, just her looks.

Incidentally, dear visitor, did you know that me and Sammy (short for Samantha) are professional supermodels? So we're hot, you see. Now link to us.

Something is Rotten in the Kingdom of Sweden

A few days ago I was vaccinated against the Yellow Fever because next week I'm gonna explore the jungles of South America . I guess they screwed up badly at the needle place and gave me some disease. My head is growing and my pain is exploding. Or perhaps the other way around.

Thursday, February 17, 2005

Fun with Biorhytmic Compatibility (Homosexual Edition)

I couldn't resist continuing the look at various celebrities' compatibility when it comes to biorhytmic patterns.

Compatibility of Carmen Electra with Britney Spears
Physical 78%
Emotional 0%
Intellectual 5%
Overall 28%

There seems to be enough of a physical connection for Carmen and Britney to perhaps make a decent porn video together, which is good news for devotees of hot lesbian sex. But ZERO percent emotional compatibility clearly indicates that a relationship between the two could never last. There's also an enormous intellectual gap between them (Carmen is obviously much smarter). Too bad.

Compatibility of David Letterman with Jay Leno
Physical 49%
Emotional 60%
Intellectual 56%
Overall 55%

Hmm. The scores are about as could be expected, I'd say. They're too dissimilar to be friends, not dissimilar enough to be lovers.

Compatibility of Kim Jong Il with Michael Moore
Physical 5%
Emotional 98%
Intellectual 89%
Overall 64%

Okay, so the physical attraction's not there, but check out the emotional and intellectual scores! If they could get past the skin-deep differencies, this could be True Love. Jeez, maybe Dubya's minions were right about Moore?

On the other hand, they're not ones to talk:

Compatibility of George W. Bush with Saddam Hussein
Physical 99%
Emotional 94%
Intellectual 65%
Overall 86%

The intellectual score's a bit off (Saddam never went to Yale), but the rest... Fucking hell, George! Why don't you just marry Saddam?

Dogs Killed by Tsunami While Paris Hilton Screwed Kid Rock!!

Could it be possible?

Yes! Take a look at this first.

'Tsunami' downs 53 1/2 dogs to keep world pigout crown

One point proved already!

What about Paris Hilton and Kid Rock? Should be harder to prove, right? Absolutely not! When I investigated the biorhythmic relationship between Kid Rock and Paris Hilton there was a 92% physical match!!!
Ladies, Gentlemen and Others.... that's HUGE !!!

In comparison the physical match between
Kid Rock and Bill Gates: 63%
Kid Rock and Angelina Jolie: 7%
Kid Rock and Christina Aguilera: 4%

The real killer comes here! Physical match between Kid Rock and Pamela Anderson is 54%
In other words, it's more likely that Kid Rock and Bill Gates are having consensual sex than what the case is with Kid Rock and his wife.
With these figures in mind it is risk free to assume that Kid Rock and Paris Hilton are mating on a daily basis. For instance on the very day Tsunami downed the dogs.

I rest my case.

Pamela Anderson Has Large Boobs

As people who have been following Superblog!! since earlier this day know, Pamela Anderson is killing bunnies by opposing the killing of bunnies.

But is that really all there is to know about Pam? Of course not! Courtesy of Pamwatch (which doesn't seem to have been updated in quite a few years, so I hope there are other sites devoted to Pam), Superblog!! is proud to bring you some important facts about the lovely and talented actress:

Pamela Denise Anderson was born at 4:08am, July 1, 1967 in Ladysmith, British Columbia, Canada. 1967 was Canada's Centennial year and Pamela was the first baby born this day in all of Canada earning her the title "The Centennial Baby".

Pamela is 67 inches tall

Pamela's favorite number is eleven. She just "likes it".

October 15th 1995 was a great day around here at the offices of Pamwatch. We received word before anyone else (media wise) that Pamela was pregnant again. Tommy and Pam were bouncing off the walls! If you can believe how devoted this woman is to her fans, she emailed us using her portable Apple PowerBooks from her hospital bed. Reports came in Monday from the media that Pamela tried to kill herself but it wasn't until Wednesday that word slipped out that she was pregnant.

Yes, happily, Pamela didn't kill herself, but instead pledged her life to stopping the killing of small animals, little realizing that she would thereby contribute to the killing of said animals.

As is my understanding.

Superblog!! - From Stupid Fun to Evil Fun to Evil Evilness to Stupid Stupidity in just a couple of days

Pamela Anderson is Pro-Censorship

There's an ad-campaign by PETA against furry animals going on in Shanghai. Pamela Anderson is the poster girl and the censors in China decided to cut away boobs and the rest of Pamelas body from the poster. (Me wonders, what is left of Pamela if that goes away?) Anyhoo, Pamela is now furious and demands that the kind Chinese owners of furry animals should be censored instead.

The authorities have it backwards," she said.
"After watching newly released video footage of animals on Chinese fur farms screaming and writhing in agony as their necks are broken, I think that fur farms should be censored, not the people exposing the horrific cruelty."

Pamela Anderson should learn not to treat animals disrespectfully. What have those poor furry creatures ever done to her? Why is she against little bunnies, weasels and foxes?

If the Chinamen of China cannot advertise for their products nobody will buy them and the furry animals will lose their jobs. (Growing up in a cozy cage.)

The blood of the bunnies are on your hands Pamela.

Britney Spears *Shocked and Horrified* That Swedes Put Cucumber Instead of Mayo on Sandwiches

In 1999, shortly after hitting it big with "...Baby One More Time" (written, produced and performed by Swedes! Bet you didn't know that!), musical genius Britney Spears, then 17, was interviewed on the radio show "Ketchup Fanclub" (not to be confused with actual ketchup, the kind that often comes with added penis).

An May, 1999 article in commie tabloid Aftonbladet claims that Britney was extremely surprised by how healthy Swedish food is, compared to American. The pop starlet said:

"They put cucumber, cheese and ham on their sandwiches. No mayonnaise... I liked it, but when I got back to the US I swallowed a lot of Freedom fries, junk food, and semen."

Okay, so that last part may have been slightly muddled in translation. But the rest is completely true. Incidentally, the Swedish word for "sandwich" - smörgås - is the root of the word "smorgasbord" (which in Swedish is smörgåsbord). Bet you didn't know that!

A traditional Swedish smörgåsbord consists of both hot and cold dishes. It is customary to begin with the cold fish dishes (generally various forms of herring, salmon, eel etc), continue with the other cold dishes, and round off with the hot dishes (of course including meatballs, and other Swedish specialties like Janssons frestelse). There may or may not be desserts.

I trust I've made my point - Britney sucks, Sweden rules! Or something like that.

Superblog!! - Surprisingly patriotic

Superblog!! Quote of the Month (for the month of February, 2000)

Orson Scott Card (pictured above) is the writer of a ton of books, including the pretty good science fiction novel Ender's Game, which, according to Wikipedia, has been used by military colleges as a textbook on leadership. That's some kind of accomplishment, I guess. It's due to be made into a movie in 2006.

The lovely Mr Card is also a mormon, a Bush supporter, and a homophobe. And, as if that wasn't enough, it turns out that he has a really keen understanding of the field of psychology:

"The beginnings of the science of psychology are filled with false prophets like Jung and Freud, people who really set back the science of psychology and had a huge and sickening influence in our culture. They are among the great frauds and evils of our time."

That's fighting talk.

Wednesday, February 16, 2005

Batman is a Totally Stupid Rich Pedophile

Two weeks ago, Superblog!! examined Batman's sexuality. Now we'd like to point you in the direction of a cartoon by Martis Rebas that seems to question his intelligence. Batman's, that is.

So here it is. It's pretty funny.

Greedy Hockey Players Entertained (?) Inga from Sweden

Despite heavy negotiations the NHL has cancelled the season. What's with the unions in the US? I thought they were weak? Quite a number of the stars are playing hockey in Sweden instead. Two of them, Huselius and Tallinder, were recently sacked from my hometown's hockey team because of rape charges that were later withdrawn. (Eventually, there will be further investigations.)

Huselius, who was leading the Elite League in scoring with 49 points in 34 games, had his contract terminated by Linkoping, the team's chairman, Christer Maard, told Agence France-Presse.Huselius, former Panthers defenseman Andreas Lilja and Buffalo Sabres defenseman Henrik Tallinder were accused of rape by a 22-year-old woman but were released and never charged after the three reportedly admitted to having consensual sex with the woman.Maard said it doesn't matter that what they did isn't illegal."We demand that our players have a certain level of judgment, and these players have shown an extraordinary lack of good judgment," Maard said.The story has been huge news in Sweden and has been an embarrassment to Swedish hockey. Lilja has left his club, Mora, and Tallinder was also fired by Linkoping.

Superblog 2!! - Now with a sports section.

We May Be the Movie Industry's Bitch, But the Record Industry is Ours

LokiTorrent's front page has been replaced with a hilariously threatening notice from the Motion Picture Association of America.

To sort of compensate for this, here's how to burn through Napster's collection for free:

0. Download and install Napster, sign up for 14 day free trial.
1. Download and install the latest version of Winamp, or if that doesn't work, get an older version
2. Download and install the Winamp Plug-in Output Stacker
3. Open Winamp Options->Plug-ins->Output->Dietmar's Output Stacker->Configure
a. Add out_ds.dll from Winamp/Plug-ins folder
b. Add out_disk.dll from Winamp/Plug-ins folder
c. Select out_disk.dll in the Output Stacker->Configure
d. Set the output directory and output file mode to Force WAV file
e. Exit preferences
4. Load downloaded Napster protected WMAs into your Winamp playlist
5. Press play and each file will be converted to WAV as it plays
6. Burn WAVs to CD with your favorite burning program

PodMan Meets the Star Wars Leftovers

Good and clean family fun coming to a theater near you! The trailer for the soon to be released The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy can be found here and I command you to watch it. Because if you don't you will never be able to get the Grand Prize (Giant Olmec Head) which will be shipped to the first person sending us the mail with the premiere date for THGTTG.

Tuesday, February 15, 2005

What's Wrong With you People?

After a visit to the dentist I was in the mood for something uplifting, so I went to Google News and did a search for Superblog expecting to find tons of our recent material. What happens is like the dentist appointment all over again! Feel my pain! I received one hit! One! It described Daily Kos, the repulsive leftist Blog as a Superblog.. Something is wrong at Google. Very wrong.

It seems hard to believe, but it's true: people are talking about Ted Kulongoski running for President in 2008. * At the superblog, Daily Kos, contributor ...

The Guy Who *Should* Have Been the Democratic Presidential Candidate in 2004

Yes: the Joker.

Hey, with a platform like that, I think he would have had a good chance of defeating Dubya. Kerry's "Vote for me and I'll be nice and sensible" strategy obviously was a misfire. The only problem is, considering the Joker's a murderous madman, surely he's more likely to run for the GOP?

Just kidding!

(But not really.)

(Just kidding!!)

Monday, February 14, 2005

Nuke the Moon

This sort of reminds me of South Park episode 607: Simpsons already did it. In the wonderful world of comics everything has already been done.. As far as I know, nobody has yet nuked the moon (like outside of comic books in the real world) but the concept has been investigated by Frank J over at IMAO. You can read the whole essay: A Realistic Plan for World Peace a.k.a Nuke the Moon here.

But what to nuke? Well, usually the idea is populated cities, but, by the beliefs of my morally superior religion, killing is wrong. So why can’t we be more creative than nuking people. My idea is to nuke the moon; just say we thought we saw moon people or something. There is no one actually there to kill (unless we time it poorly) and everyone in the world could see the results. And all the other countries would exclaim, "Holy @$#%! They are nuking the moon! America has gone insane! I better go eat at McDonalds before they think I don’t like them."

Drunk-Flying Wonder Woman Responsible for 9-11, New Study Claims

According to an investigative report published in comic book form several years ago, lesbian icon "Wonder Woman" caused the 2001 destruction of the World Trade Center. Apparently she lost control of her plane on her way home after a night out partying. The plane went straight through both towers, which subsequently collapsed. Ms Woman later said, "I didn't realize it was already morning. I guess time flies when you're having fun".

President Bush is said to be considering a retaliatory invasion of Paradise Island, followed by a preventive strike against the Moon.

Sunday, February 13, 2005

Family Finds Penis in Ketchup Bottle

Swedish tabloid Aftonbladet reports that the Ed family in Rengsjö, Sweden, made a pretty gross discovery when setting down to eat tunnbrödsrullar (roughly equivalent to wrappers, I guess).

Victoria Ed, 31, unscrewed the lid on the ketchup bottle, and something resembling a foreskin fell out, followed by a meaty, skin colored thing, circa 5 centimeters in length (which is not very impressive, assuming it's a human penis. At present, nobody's quite sure). She herself hadn't eaten of the ketchup, but her husband and children had.

The ketchup's brand is "Godegården", which is apparently made in hygienic Turkey. It was sold by Axfood, one of Northern Europe's largest food retailers.

Police have confiscated the penis and are presumably trying to return it to its rightful owner.

Everybody Must Read the Doom Comic, Even You

It's Lazy Sunday here at Superblog 2!! and I don't really feel like blogging about anything, so I'm just gonna post a link to a piece of literature that will expand your mind:

Some time in 1996 a couple of guys got together and smoked what was apparently a large amount of crack and then injected pure heroin into their eyes and then proceeded to create what is now known only as 'the Doom comic'.
Throughout its sixteen pages of madness the main character (the Doomguy) utters many inane phrases while killing various hellspawn without so much as a second thought.

You can read the entire comic here.

Yeehaw Dude!!

With Howard Dean as new chairman for the Democratic Party the future looks brighter and funnier than ever! The whole blogosphere will be energized.

Saturday, February 12, 2005

We are Getting Shitfaced Fast

No more blogging tonight. Both me and Koala are heading out to get shitfaced.

Shitfaced (adj.) - Pretty drunk. Most likely one has vomited at least once. One's vocabulary has grown a little thick. Fine motor skills, such as handwriting, are beginning to go to hell in a handbasket. Completely shitfaced A finer shade of shitfaced. All of the above conditions apply, with the tendency to deem those who resemble Quasimodo as rather attractive (see beer goggling).

The Kids Love Superblog!!

Superblog 2!! received its very first piece of non-electronic fan mail a few days ago. Little David Oscarsson of Sweden sent us the lovely drawing above.

Thanks, little David! You are Superblog!!'s Fan of the Week!

Superblog 2!! Presents: The Official Swedish Minister of Fucking Things Up

Every now and then Dubya says funny and/or stupid things. Our so called foreign minister Laila Freivalds steps up as a serious contender for the "put your foot in your mouth award". Thai vacation island Phuket was seriously hit by the tsunami and around 150,000 Swedes goes there every year to get some beer and sunshine. There are only 9,000,000 Swedes so that's a lot. In an interview in Swedish paper Dagens Nyheter (translates Daily News!) Mrs Freivalds is asked about her initial reactions to the tsunami and reveals that she thought: What is Phuket? I mean, what is most stupid? As a Swede not knowing what Phuket is or admitting it? For Dubya to top this he has to say something like: What is The Bahamas? Laila! You have disgraced both yourself and the Swedes! (Mostly yourself though.)

Friday, February 11, 2005

Cartoon Violence Update

As previously reported by Superblog 2!!, a teacher was fired for bitching to the media about a comic strip depicting "her brutal death". A follow-up article and video clip features both glimpses of the comic and an interview with the teacher. She's "appalled" that the kid won't be expelled:

"The message is you can disrupt learning, you can threaten your teachers, you can carry on however you want to in the classroom and that nothing is going to happen to you. I'm really, really appalled that people, or the school district would not to me take a death threat seriously."

Yeah, and I'm really, really appalled that people like you are allowed to live among regular humans. When I'm king, you will be placed in zoos and fed bananas all day long. Rectally.

Dog Bites Child, 911 Operator Tells It Like It Is

From South Florida's (via this blog):

A 911 operator in Cincinnati is facing suspension for her remark to a caller whose dog attacked a child.
The frantic mother, Samantha Osborne, dialed 911 when the family pit bull attacked her toddler.
Authorities released a tape of the 911 call, in which the operator asks Osborne what kind of dog was responsible for the attack.

911 Operator: "What kind of dog attacked him, Samantha?"
Osborne: "What kind of dog is J.D.?"
Osborne's Husband: "He's a pit bull."
Osborne: "He's a pit."
911 Operator: "Stupid people."

Nameless 911 Operator, you are the recipient of The Superblog!! Medal of Honor for Telling It Like It Is.

The boy was released from a hospital after receiving 17 stitches on his eyes and mouth, according to Cincinnati NBC affiliate WLWT. The dog was put down.

Poor dog. And he was only doing what comes naturally to pit bulls: trying to eat human babies. Obviously the parents should have been put to sleep instead.

Thursday, February 10, 2005

Superblog!! Drinks: Al-Qaida

The creators of Superblog 2!! have two hobbies, and two alone: blogging blogs and drinking drinks. A few months ago, we created a drink called Al-Qaida (which means "the foundation" or "the base", as in "the base of a nutritious breakfast").

Though this drink is primarily intended for cool superbloggers, other people are allowed to drink it, provided that they send royalties to Superblog!! So if you feel like it, order an Al-Qaida the next time you're out boozing. Then order another one, and another one, until you start feeling happy and/or pass out. Here's the recipe:

  • Vodka
  • Cranberry juice
  • Pineapple juice
  • Licor 43
  • Sour mix

    The quantities are uncertain and tend to vary with our - and the bartender's - moods. A chunk of pineapple... or pretty much anything, really... can be added on top.

    Happy drinking!

  • Superblog 2!! Joins the e-Mailing Revolution!

    Big news here at Superblog 2!! We have in accordance with our love and respect for the Palestinian people started an e-mail account at! Apart from expressing already mentioned love and respect this makes it possible for you to get in touch with the mad hatters behind Superblog 2!! All kinds of mail are welcome, be it your support, your hate or your sexual fantasies....

    Reach us NOW at!

    (Or you can wait until the cool permanent e-mail link is up and working.)

    Wednesday, February 09, 2005

    Picto-Fiction for Gentlemen Who Feel Queasy When Women Cook for Them

    Alternate title: "Ecce Homo".

    Presented as a kind of supplement to this post.

    Repent, Sinners!

    My sincere apologies to all visitors. I have fought a long time to keep Superblog 2!! porn free and now this. A lot of people are desperately trying to avoid the filth out there cause they know where it might lead:

    I really need help right now in my life. I am addicted to porn. I can't seem to stop looking at it. It has gotten bad, really bad, because I would never look at gay porn on Sunday. Yesterday (Sunday) I looked at gay porn and I also had phone sex with a male friend. I don't know what to do. I am so addicted I can't seem to stop. I even put in a personal ad to find gay men. I seem to be two different people in one body. I am a strong Christian who likes to look at nude men. I need any help or prayer that anyone can offer.

    Your Brother in the Lord

    Let's all work together to keep Superblog 2!! and other quality sites porn free and perhaps our friend Rick can work his way back to enjoying gay porn on weekdays only.

    Tuesday, February 08, 2005

    Free Porn! Free Porn! Free Porn for You!

    Free porn! Porn! Absolutely free! No strings attached!

    It's time for an experiment. According to a recent article by John Dvorak, this entry's headline alone will result in massive traffic for Superblog!!, because, yes, people are THAT stupid. Or sex-starved. The article, "Free Porn Magic for You!" discusses a previous column, simply entitled "Free Porn":

    Free porn! Actual women squirming with pleasure!

    The column, written nearly two years ago, was an exercise in propaganda, done to prove that the use of the word "porn" in a headline would jack up the readership of any column. This was an assertion promoted by my previous online editor, Don Willmott, who revealed the trick to me after looking at years of online stats. He'd used it himself when he needed to pump up his own numbers.

    Free porn! Hot teenage sluts hungry for sex!

    I have my own tale of web fakery. When I first started making websites back in the mid-90s, I created a humble page (it may even have been hosted on Geocities), located at a horribly long and complicated URL, with pretty much nothing on it but a tiny image of an orange (reproduced a few dozen times), some boring links, and a hit counter. I also put "Pamela Anderson", "Baywatch", "X-Files", and a few other then-popular words and phrases in the meta tags, and then forgot about the page for two weeks. When I came back to it the page had gotten close to 20,000 hits.

    Free porn! Straight, gay, lesbian, bi, tri, farm animals!

    But to be frank, I didn't think that kind of scam worked very well in our enlightened age. It will be interesting to see if Dvorak is correct. As you may have noticed, I'm "cheating" somewhat, bettering the odds by putting the phrase "free porn" here and there in this entry.

    Free porn! Kinky and bizarre! Sexy and disturbing!

    However, as Superblog!! loathes false advertising, we are in fact - as you can see above - offering free porn. (Free porn! Free porn! Free free free! Porn porn porn!) By the way, if my Paintbrush masterpiece strikes you as anatomically inaccurate, it's probably because I have never actually seen a naked person of either gender. (Except on postcards, of course.)

    Now we play the waiting game.

    Superblog!! - Playing the Waiting Game and Offering Pro Bono Pornography Since 2005! Free! Free! Free! Porn! Porn! Porn!

    The Idiot Son of an Asshole

    To balance out the partisan entries favored by my conservative co-blogger, I want to point Superblog!! visitors to this site. Here you'll find tons of fair and balanced animations of varying quality. Some are slightly frightening, such as the one about the 14 defining characteristics of fascism, quite a few of which seems to fit the United States disturbingly well (though, thankfully, some seem like a bit of a reach).

    Others are just amusing. One of my favorites is "Idiot Son of An Asshole" - quite a catchy song. Punk rock!

    "Don't hate us because we're Americans, just hate our government", they say. Seems like good advice. Though I reserve the right to at least mock the people who thought it was a good idea to vote for Dubya. Besides, which side would you rather be on? The Hollywood stars' or the Klansmen's?

    I prefer Hollywood.

    The Political Dream Team of Hollywood

    Thank you Michael, Sean, Whoopi, Ben, Barbra, Martin and bald guy!
    Billboard (outside of Kodak Theater) by

    Adventures in Whipped Cream

    This post is a celebration for the brilliant Swedish invention, the Fat Tuesday's Bun. It's also called Easter cake because you are supposed to eat it on the Tuesday four weeks before Easter.. I usually eat them 24/7 between January and March. If you want to have a couple of semlor (Now, that's Swedish!) you need to visit Sweden or click here where you will find the recipe. But! If you visit Sweden you will be able to sample other Swedish pastries as well, like the "negro balls" for example.

    You either enjoy this as a desert [sic] after, for instance, soup, or with strong coffe [sic] at teatime. Some people enjoy eating it out of a bowl with warm milk in it. This is called (hetvägg), and it's nice - the semla gets a bit soggy this way.

    Evil Ducks are Evil

    As Superblog!! has pointed out before, ducks are evil creatures. Now the web holds even more evidence. Someone has animated the great 80s song "March of the Sinister Ducks" by Alan Moore (yes, father of Leah), David J, and Alex Green.

    The animation is so-so, but the song is pure brilliance. See it.

    Girls Bake Cookies for Asshole Neighbor, Get Sued

    You know how Superblog!! has been saying for years, "Don't do anything nice! Because people are assholes, and it will just come back to haunt you"? Well, once again we've been proven right:

    DURANGO, Colo. - Two teenage girls who surprised their neighbors with homemade cookies late one night were ordered to pay nearly $900 in medical bills plus court costs for a woman who says she was so startled that she had to go to the hospital.

    "Late one night" = 10:30. If you ask me, these girls were asking for trouble:

    They made packages with a half-dozen cookies each and added large red or pink construction-paper hearts that carried the message, “Have a great night” and were signed with their first initials: “Love, The T and L Club.”

    Wanita Renea Young [...] saw “shadowy figures” outside the house banging repeatedly on her door. She yelled, “Who’s there?” but no one answered, and the figures ran away.
    Frightened, Young spent the night at her sister’s home, then went to the hospital the next morning because she was still shaking, had an upset stomach and feared she had had a heart attack.

    Admittedly, the woman was VERY OLD (49), and possibly senile. The teenagers' families offered to pay her medical bills, but she obviously wanted punitive damages.

    Dear Mrs Young, you are Superblog!!'s Bitch of the Week! Hearty congratulations! You can claim your prize in hell.

    But really, you have to wonder if these girls were right in the head:

    The Denver Post reported Friday that the girls had decided to stay home and bake the cookies rather than go to a dance where there might be cursing and drinking.

    Huh? That's the problem right there. When you're a teenager, cursing and drinking, along with making out and sniffing glue, are the corner stones of a healthy life! Again, ignoring that indisputable fact is just asking for trouble!

    Superblog 2!! says: Next time, surprise your neighbors with homemade Molotov cocktails

    Monday, February 07, 2005

    Cool Chinese Kids Write Death Notes

    Spurgeon, a busy little beaver today, also links to a counterpoint to the story of the kids who were arrested for drawing stick figures.

    This is a case of a substitute teacher being fired because the media caught news (possibly through the sub?) about a comic strip depicting "her brutal death". Haha!, says Superblog!! Serves you right for being a teacher.

    And then there's this:

    Imitating events in the manga series Death Note, Chinese school students in the city of Shenyang have take to writing death notes. The students buy special stationary and follow instructions such as "Write the cause of death and the person's name backwards and the person will die in 40 seconds."

    That sounds like a cool game. Let's play it right now:

    RUN OVER BY TRUCK - ymmaS elcnU
    HIT BY COMET - gnaselguF retsirhC
    ELECTROCUTION - redaer raed, uoY

    It is to laugh.

    Jesus Fucking Christ, A Drawing of a Nude Guy! It's Picasso!! And He's Naked!! How Horrible!! Won't Someone PLEASE Think of the Children?!?!

    Tom Sturgeon reports that a comics retailer has been charged with "distributing material depicting nudity" and "distributing obscene material to a minor" after handing out a free comic book that contained an excerpt of this comic. "Distributing material depicting nudity" alone is punishable by 1-3 years in prison and fines of up to $10,000.

    Newsarama has further info:

    The comic features a variety of stories from the company's line, including an excerpt from Nick Bertozzi's ‘The Salon,’ depicting the first meeting between Georges Braque and Pablo Picasso. On three pages of the eight page section, Picasso is depicted in the nude, a factually accurate detail for the period during which the story is set. There is no sexual content in the story. The comic was inadvertently distributed to a minor, whose parent filed a complaint with the police. The age and identity of the minor are unknown. Days later, Gordon Lee, the owner, was arrested.

    See the nudity!

    Oh God, it's disgusting. I remember when I was a little boy (I was 17) and first saw a drawing of a nude person. It was ghastly. I was scarred, scarred for life. I was just beginning to recover last year, when - WHAM! Janet Jackson suddenly shows part of one of her nipples on national television. Part of a nipple! I wanted to poke my eyes out.

    For this reason, Superblog!! would like to announce that you will never see any nudity here, ever. Because we care.

    Superblog!! is an Irony Free Zone