Monday, March 31, 2008

Moko the Movie

What! A biopic about Mark David Chapman, SUPERBLOG!!'s number five fan?! Unmissable. Sadly, Chapter 27 has been trashed by critics and I have to agree it's pretty bad. Even though it's only 80 minutes long, it seems to go on forever. Imagine! One amusing detail in all the misery though:

Jared Leto gained 62 pounds to play the overweight Chapman by drinking microwaved pints of ice cream mixed with soy sauce and olive oil every night to bloat himself further. At times he had to use a wheelchair due to the stress the sudden increase in weight put on his body. In addition, as a result of the weight gain and loss, Leto has now developed gout in his left foot.

Gout! I'm a busy man so there's no way I have time to write a full review but I recommend the A.V. Club's review (Rating: F) which is a little on the harsh side but basically correct. Be sure to glance over the Comments, because they touch on a variety of subjects. Such as...

Lindsay Lohan's firecrotch:

I wouldn't mind putting it out with... sperm.

Mohandas Gandhi:

he'd take a virgin into his hut and not sleep with her.
he did that a lot. I forget why.
also he could weave on a loom

Potential quotes for the poster:

"Leto floats in...Lohan's...dreary, sordid, worthless..human skull."

If that isn't humor I don't know what is. SUPERBLOG!!'s rating: 1 proud keaton.

P.S. Gout!! D.S.

Sunday, March 30, 2008

Everybody Loves Kristen Bell

It has been pointed out to me by machine-elves from a higher level of reality that my well-documented and perhaps irrationally strong loathing of NBC's Heroes may be inconsistent with my professed love for Veronica Mars, starring Kristen Bell. Because apparently she's in Heroes too.

Certainly, I would sell my own grandmother for a chance to lick the cheek of Kristen Bell. (My grandmother is dead so I have little use for her. If she were alive I would not sell her.) Wait, that's just creepy. But I was heartbroken when Cy Tolliver bashed her brains in. (Kristen Bell's character in Deadwood, not my grandmother.) But that doesn't mean anything because there are other actors I like in Heroes as well, such as Clea DuVall and that guy from Profit. And Malcolm McDowell remains a favorite of mine, even though probably 98 percent of his filmography is shit.

Plus, as if Bell wasn't firmly enough established as Nerd Princess as it was, she's in Fanboys, the upcoming Star Wars thingie that Darth Weinstein is trying to destroy. And I hate Star Wars almost as much as I hate Heroes.

I don't remember where I was going with this post. But here's the main reason to love Kristen Bell:

[Interviewer:] Are you a typical blonde?
No, because I’m not stupid.

Friday, March 28, 2008

Fun #7: Dog Doomed Twice

No, you're not seeing double!! There are twice as many pictures today as usual, and they are remarkably similar, though not identical. If you look closely you can spot a few subtle differences. You go ahead and do that now.

This image is funny because it portrays a small dog about to be squashed by a very fat person. The person may be fat because he/she eats too much, or it may be that he or she has a glandular problem. It might be a serious medical condition, and since this photo was taken several years ago, maybe the person is dead now. Either way, the image is very funny.

This concludes Dog Week here at SUPERBLOG!!

Thursday, March 27, 2008

Racist Swedish Subtitle "Humor"

Before I wrote and directed the Emmy Award-winning violent ballet (or "violet") Naheem the Sardine, I tried out the subtitle creator by making this gritty subway drama I like to call Bus på buss [English title: Pranky Bus Pranx Starring Benny Bow Tie and Chagall.].

I wasn't gonna post it (or even show to anyone) because a) it's in Swedish and b) it could be seen as racist and c) the subtitles are poorly synced and d) it's not very funny. But then I realized that's exactly why I had to post it!

Incidentally, Matthew's second weird office tale takes a strong stand against racism. Racism = Rong.

Wednesday, March 26, 2008

Support the Martyrs of Blogging

This image and others in the best bloggy post evar. Or at least among the top three. People don't appreciate what hard work blogging really is. I mean, I spend somewhere between five and ten hours on each and every SUPERBLOG!! post, no matter how idiotic. (Takes xtra long when im drunk becuz tehn I cant spel.)

Speaking of my ex-co-blogger Sammy Suck, I accidentally noticed that while he was slacking off a lot even a year ago, back then he was still occasionally capable of fine posts like this anti-Palme polemic. Now he just sits in a corner all the time, sucking his thumb, grinning stupidly, expecting to still share in the SUPERBLOG!! revenues. Not gonna happen!

Then again, I was a better person years ago too. As I nostalgically traverse the SUPERBLOG!! archives, I'm constantly amazed at the beautiful insights I encounter:

Lamar Owens and boobies go hand in hand, like alcohol and painkillers, or hamburgers and mini-carrots.

When was the last time you read poetry like that on SUPERBLOG!!?

Tuesday, March 25, 2008

Big Bad Waffles

Today is Big Waffle Day here in Sweden (there's a Small Waffle Day in November, I think*). Since probably hundreds of years ago, we celebrate Waffle Day by eating waffles. Why? Well, Swedish Wikipedia says that it's based on a misunderstanding.

Internationally, March 25 is "Lady Day", commemorating the day Virgin Mary got knocked up by "God". However, the Swedish "vårfrudagen" (the Day of Our Lady) was somehow garbled into "våffeldagen" (the Day of Waffles). I am totally not making this shit up.

Whatever the case may be, I dedicate this SUPERBLOG!! post to war hero John Kerry, who might have been President today if he hadn't been such a waffly waffler. Also, if he'd never set foot on a fucking swift boat.

[*A lie. The rest of the post is true. Or, well, at least it's based on information taken from Wikipedia. And if it's on Wikipedia, it must be true.]

Waffle Image © Huddle House, Kerry image © someone at Pants of Time (?). Used for journalistic purposes.

Monday, March 24, 2008

Fun #6: Dog Eat Dog

It's Dog Week (or whatever) here at SUPERBLOG!! so let's continue the FUN with this cover to a comical booklet starring Archie and friends. It is the funniest cover ever published anywhere, ever. Ever!

Tomorrow: Dog Week continues.

Friday, March 21, 2008

Are You Hung Like Saddam?

Because if you are, you really need to tell people about it. Perhaps by wearing an "I'm hung like Saddam" t-shirt. Or would that be in poor taste?

You know, to my mind, it would have been disturbing (jingoistic?) to wear something like that right after the execution, but now, a year and several months later, enough time has passed that the idea strikes me as... post-post-ironic (not to be confused with post-ironic). Maybe even deconstructionist?

Or am I just trying to justify my own juvenile sense of humor? Whatever, I'd never buy that t-shirt. But I would like a SUPERBLOG!! reader to buy one, wear it in a social setting, and then write in to tell me how it made you feel. Okay? Go do it.

Thursday, March 20, 2008

Fun #5: Dogs are Disgusting, and People Who Own Dogs are Disgusting

I'm sorry but it's been proven by Science.

Wednesday, March 19, 2008

Naheem the Sardine

SUPERBLOG!! fan Moko sent me a film using the BombayTV subtitle thingie so in return I made this movie as a tribute to him. It is a very subtle metaphor for our relationship.

Tuesday, March 18, 2008

Fun #4: The Juice with Ex

This is football player and sometime actor Orenthal James "O. J." Simpson together with his lovely wife Nicole. You might recall O.J. from the Naked Gun films.

Javiour Is a Saviour

Monday, March 17, 2008

Do You Own a Baby?

If so, you may need to study these public service announcements on baby safety (here's one more) to make sure you're not using it incorrectly.

Personally, I choose not to have any babies because I can barely take care of myself. I would break a baby within minutes.

Sunday, March 16, 2008

Films That Suck and Don't

I have seen many shitty movies lately. At least four of the last six films I saw pretty much sucked ass. But one of them was not the 1994 Corman-produced The Fantastic Four. That one I actually kind of liked. I mean, it's cheap and cheesy, but it's also cute and charming, and there's not much wrong with it plotwise. And, you know, it had a budget of $1,500,000, while the 2005 version with Jessica Alba had a budget of some $100,000,000. But was the latter 66 times better? No. In several ways it was worse. Apparently I'm not alone in thinking this. Teh Internet: Good for finding minority opinions.

Anyroad, how many films considered the worst ever have you seen? I've seen way too many.

Fun #3: Nazi Hockey

Here's a Women's Nazi Hockey team. Is that fun? I don't know. Hockey is a fun sport, though. Hockey hockey hockey.

Saturday, March 15, 2008

Fun #2: Sheep Drinking from a Fountain

Look! It's an Asian sheep drinking out of a drinking fountain meant for humans. That's not hygienic.

Friday, March 14, 2008

Fun #1: Email Suarez

A guy called Email. What could be more fun than that? And he's from some place called You-Are-Gay. That is just astonishing.

Tomorrow: Fun #2.

Tuesday, March 11, 2008

Everybody Loves Carla Gugino

Speaking of Sin City and Motorcycle Gang* star Carla Gugino, I was going to link to this a month ago but never did: Carla Gugino Gets Sexy For Silk Spectre In ‘Watchmen’:

It might just be 2009’s most anticipated movie, and if “Watchmen” is half as good as it’s classic source material, it could become the best superhero movie of all time

Maybe, but the odds on it being half as good as the graphic novel is about 650 billion to one. And I'm a well-known optimist. Although even if it's a crappy movie artistically, part of me hopes it is a huge commercial success so we get a spin-off starring the Watchmen Babies:

*Why on Earth have I not seen this movie? It has strong performances from a talented cast:

P.S. This was originally part of yesterday's blog entry so shut up, Matthew. SUPERBLOG!!: NEVER! TIMELY!

Monday, March 10, 2008

Everybody Hates Watchmen

Far be it from me to pronounce suckiness on a film that hasn't premiered yet*, but I am willing to bet my 82% ownership of SUPERBLOG!! that the Watchmen movie will, in fact, be Teh Suck.

(*See these three-year-old not-at-all whiny posts: Matrix Trilogy Assistant Director to Butcher Another Alan Moore Classic and Constantine Movie's Suckiness Confirmed, Experts Say.)

The image above is one of five recently unveiled character shots. The rest can be seen in this bloggy post by director Zack Snyder.

As faithful SUPERBLOG!! readers know**, I liked 300 (reviewed here) (although I disliked the remake of Dawn of the Dead - reviewed here) but here's what I said about the possibility of a Watchmen movie in January, 2005:

Watchmen is unfilmable, as the most interesting thing about it is Moore's use of formal techniques unique to the comics medium, stuff that is literally impossible to transfer to the big screen. That one of the main characters is naked throughout might also be problematic...

(**If you don't remember every single word I've even written, you're not my friend.)

I just realized this stupid blog post has no real structure, it's just a bunch of links and asides. So I might as well keep linking. Here's Fox Sues Warners over 'Watchmen':

For author Alan Moore, who never wanted a movie to be made from Watchmen anyway, the legal duel between competing monolithic media conglomerates must be a delicious irony.

Via Progressive Ruin, Kevin Church said exactly what I thought when I saw those darn movie costumes:

By making Dan Dreiberg's costume so modern looking, you're changing the character in ways that go beyond sheer visualization. I understand the difficulties in translating a superhero costume for the screen, but a major part of what makes Nite Owl work in the comic is the fact that he's a slightly schlubby man in his early 40s wearing an ill-fitting, cartoonish costume.

A more recent post tells us that our Watchmen collections are incomplete without The Question #17:

Who knew? By the way, The Onion's A.V. Club posted a nice Primer on Alan Moore on the same day as I posted Everybody Loves Al. You should read it, maybe.

Sunday, March 09, 2008

Why Sammy Sucks, Part 3

The last time Unky was here in my home he infected me with disease and he also accidentally left a couple of pirated DVDs. And a few weeks ago I was going to watch one of them, the movie adaptation of Neil Gaiman's Stardust, but the picture quality wasn't good so I didn't, and I still haven't, and maybe I never will. And that is reason #8 why Sammy sucks.

Friday, March 07, 2008

Goo Painting Stuff

Remember when SUPERBLOG!! linked to Matthew's scabby vampire pilot and sent his hits through the roof, thereby ensuring that he could quit his stupid job and retire to the French Riviera where he dines on filet mignon and champagne every day?

Today I'm doing the same thing for artist and sometime SUPERBLOG!! reader Goo McGoo (mentioned many times on this blog, I think this might have been the first time). Above is "Bombay The Hard Way (unfinished)", but she's done a lot of other videos too.

(I meant to post this a long time ago but for some reason I didn't. Story of my life.)

Everybody Loves Al, Part 2

Speaking of The Simpsons, here is Alan Moore, flanked by Art Spiegelman and Dan Clowes from the episode "Husbands and Knives". I was gonna blog a lot about that when it aired last November, but I don't think I ever did? And now it's too late. Why is SUPERBLOG!! always six months behind the curve?

I've never blogged about Spiegelman but there was a post about The Man Who Stole Ghost World back in 2005. (SUPERBLOG!!'s salad days, if you will.)

Anyway, this was supposed to be about Alan Moore so here he is meeting Death.

And here's another spot-on drawing of Alan Moore, part of a slightly larger online humor comic about (if memory serves) the creation of something called The Sinestro Corps (that link's just to a Wikipedia entry about the group itself) that I tried to find but couldn't. Maybe I just didn't try hard enough? I only gave it a couple of minutes. I'm a busy man and that's all the time I have. But I did watch Superman: The Animated Series the other day, and there he was:

Sinestro, I mean. Also, I remember that character from an issue or two of John Byrne's run on Wonder Woman, which I bought every issue of because I was a huge Byrne fan back then. Even though I didn't enjoy it. I was just waiting for it to become good, you know, because I grew up with his X-Men and Fantastic Four and stuff, and Next Men was good. At least I thought so back then. Was that around the time Byrne started sucking, or was I just developing a more discerning taste?

This has been a warm-up for my forthcoming blog post Everybody Hates Watchmen. I'm not kidding. Watch the skies.

Thursday, March 06, 2008

Interesting Album Titles, Part One in a Series of Two

"Dig, Lazarus, Dig!!!", is, as they say, the fourteenth studio album by international alternative rock band Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds. It's an interesting album title to me because in Swedish "dig" is the objective form of the pronoun "du" - both meaning "you" in English. So I can't help but read the title as "You, Lazarus, You!!!"

And that reminds me of what Sideshow Bob once said in The Simpsons:

When he was asked by the Parole Board in the same episode what "Die, Bart, Die" stands for, he simply replied that it was German for “The, Bart, The”. The Parole Board was impressed by the answer and Bob was released.

Part Two in this series to be published in 2009.

Magnus - The Water Boy

He is very strong that Magnus. He lives not very far from me. Like 40 miles or so.
I will practice hard and go see him. Whop his ass and steal his cows. Yes, he's a farmer. He got that strong by lifting his cows. Seriously.

This was SBBD. Semi Big Blogging Day. Now I'm gonna go to TV-room and see antique-round.

Everybody Loves Carrots

Disturbing 14-page manga on how Toby learned to stop worring and love carrots.

This is Magnus!

Here is Magnus too. His father is somewhat average.

Standing 2 metres tall, with 150 kg of muscle, proven to be strong as an ox. On top of that, blond and blue-eyed Magnus Samuelsson is as close to the picture image of a Viking you can possibly get. The Swedish Viking is sprung out of the Swedish countryside, and has a mother who will beat most men at arm wrestling, a somewhat more average father, and a three years younger brother who isn't far behind him in strength and size.

Is Europe a Country?

The lovely and talented Kellie Pickler on Are You Smarter Than a 5th Grader?

From the comments:

OMFG... how did Natural Selection not pick her off?! If you notice the kid beside her, you can see the "Jesus Christ! What dumbfuck!" expression on his face!

Post #1200: Al Gore Sucks!

He sucks global balls!

His son sucks too!

FORMER US vice-president Al Gore's son has been charged with possession of illegal drugs after his arrest for driving offences earlier this month.
Albert Gore III, 24, was detained by police in California on July 4 after being caught speeding down a motorway at more than 160kmh in his Toyota Prius hybrid car.

Well, at least he drives a Prius! Hahaha!!!

Yes. Since this is SBB-Day I'll spend the rest of the day blogging about Magnus.

Wednesday, March 05, 2008

Everybody Loves Al

The good thing about Uncle Sammy quitting blogging (he hasn't made an official announcement or anything, but when was the last time he blogged? 2006?) is that now I'm free to turn SUPERBLOG!! into the Lovefest for Al it was always supposed to be.

Yes, Awesome Al Gore kind of looks like a big fat toad in the picture above. But a big fat wonderful toad. And remember, he would have been Big Fat President of the United States of Merrka right now if he hadn't fucked it all up.

Incidentally, who will win in November? Will it be Brilliant Barack Obama or Hillary "Flick the" Clinton? Or one of the Great Old Ones? I know who I'm voting for.

Tuesday, March 04, 2008

KoalaCam #30: The Dark is Rising

This is the stupid view outside my stupid window. You can see some ominous-looking stupid sky and part of a stupid house. The stupid house is presumably full of stupid people. For, why would they otherwise take residence in an obviously stupid house? And as well as stupid there is stupid stupid, something at once stupid and stupid. You might well stupid, why stupid stupid stupid? Well, stupid, there is a stupid stupid and the stupid is stupid stupid, stupid, and very stupid. Stupid, yeah! Stupid. Stupid, set, and stupid.

Monday, March 03, 2008

KoalaCam #29: Candlemelter

Sometimes I melt candles. But this SUPERBLOG!! post is dedicated to the Candlemaker. If you say his name thrice he will appear and crush your head like a grape.

Sunday, March 02, 2008

Happy Rudolph and Smiles All Around!

Yes! Two cheers for the Hess! Rudolph AKA Rudolf celebrates his WHATEVERst birthday today and I want to publicly congratulate him - just like I did last year. (Come to think of it, the entirety of that blog post is just as relevant today as it was a year ago.)

What you see above is not a picture of Rudolph, but it IS a picture of Rudolfo Robinson. It was the closest thing I could find. Mr Robinson is about the same height as Rudolph, they are both too hardcore for society to contain them, and they kind of look alike if you squint.

Saturday, March 01, 2008

The Year of Definitely Not Watching Any DVDs: February, 2008

Veronica Mars: Season 3 (2006-2007, 20 episodes), Human Nature (2001) (R), Last Action Hero (1993), Beavis and Butt-Head Do America (1996), Pee-wee's Big Adventure (1985), Marie Antoinette (2006) (R), Superman: The Movie (1978) (R), Phantom of the Opera (1943), Pulse (2006), Colour Me Kubrick: A True...ish Story (2005), The Good Thief (2002), Fleischer Studios' Superman (1941-1942, 9 episodes), Stranger Than Fiction (2006), Deepwater (2005), Superman and the Mole-Men (1951), The Mindscape of Alan Moore (2003), Extras: Series 1 (2005, 6 episodes) (R), Extras: Series 2 (2006, 6 episodes) (R), Extras: The Extra Special Series Finale (2007), Batman (1989) (R), Roman (2006), The Big Lebowski (1998) (R), The Batman/Superman Movie (1998), True Romance (1993) (R), Sling Blade (1996) (R), Withnail & I (1987) (R), Lung fu fong wan / City on Fire (1987) (R), Being There (1979) (R), Planet Terror (2007), Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde (1931), Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde (1941) (R), Frank McKlusky, C.I. (2002), Bringing Out the Dead (1999) (R), Jawbreaker (1999), Freddy Got Fingered (2001), Scrubs: Season 3 (TV) (2003-2004) (R), Revolver (2005), Carnivàle: Season 1 (2003, 12 episodes), Carnivàle: Season 2 (2005, 12 episodes), O Brother, Where Art Thou? (2000) (R), Sicko (2007), Per un pugno di dollari / A Fistful of Dollars (1964), Flirting with Disaster (1996), Beetlejuice (1988) (R), House! (2000), The Twilight Zone, Episodes 1-11 (2002), Batman Begins (2005) (R), Pirates of the Caribbean: At World's End (2007), Harold and Maude (1971) (R), Skin Deep (1989) (R), Highlander (1986) (R), Superman: The Last Son of Krypton (1996), Badlands (1973), The Seven Year Itch (1955), The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen (2003), Complicity (2000), A Cock and Bull Story (2005), Superman: The Animated Series: Season 1, Episodes 4-13 (1996-1997)

R = repeat

Unlike in January, when almost every single thing I watched was worth watching, there were a few duds this time. I count at least six films that sucked ass. Most of the rest I'd rank somewhere between pretty good and very good. If I had to pick one single favorite among this bunch it might be the prematurely cancelled TV series Carnivàle, which was flawed but compelling. But I might also pick Veronica Mars so YMMV.

What did you watch?

Galactus is Coming!

Reed Richards explains it all. Some might say that parodying Jack Chick tracts is shooting fish in a barrel but I say those people will suffer in the fires of hell for all eternity. Unfortunately. The modern classic of the genre is of course the Cthulhu Chick Tract, Who Will Be Eaten First?