Don't Slam Bradley!

ITEM! It's fashionable to speak ill of Bradley Cooper nowadays, but if you think about it honestly for a moment: Don't you suck just as hard? Maybe even harder, because Bradley has mountains of cash and a gold Lexus and gets whores aplenty (at a Hollywood discount, no less!). Whereas you cry yourself to sleep every night clutching an empty bottle of cheap bourbon.

ITEM! I should post a link to Dracula Part 5 because I believe I linked to the rest. Abhay Dracukhosla! You rock, somewhat.

ITEM! Xenomorph Enchantment Under the Sea, motherfuckers! Dance! Dance!


ITEM! 90s teen hearthrob Luke Perry makes naked Swedish film in the idyllic seaside village of Trosa AKA Panty (no shit), south of Stockholm (also probably true, consult Google Maps). Amazing! I liked it when they bricked him in in Oz. Will he be bricked in this time too? Very possibly.

ITEM! No more items.

Tomas Nosferatuström

Shut up! Here are lankar (goodspeak) AKA links (American) AKA lenkur (Icelandic):

Typical Danish Humor on YouTube. That's Dirch Passer, "Denmark's greatest comedian". I kid you not. Not for nothing are the Danes our arch-enemies.

[Historical aside explicating the class division among Nordic countries! There are five of them: Sweden, Denmark, Norway, Finland, and Iceland. But:

1. Iceland is so far away from the rest (geographically and mentally) that nobody has ever really cared about their doings. They could start an atomic war and nobody would notice. Sad but true.
2. Finland used to be a (neglected) part of the Swedish Empire, until we lost Finland to Russia in 1809 and then some time later the Finns apparently won their independence.
3. Norway used to be a part of Denmark until we won Norway fair and square in a war in 1814, and then out of the kindness of our hearts we gave them independence in the early 1900s. This was before anybody knew what oil was.

So you see, the only Nordic countries that matter historically are Denmark and Sweden. And there is some bad blood there, partly having to do with the reign of Christian the Tyrant in the 16th century, and also Aqua. Isn't history fun?!]

Darkseid Minus New Gods

[Historical aside explicating class division among the New Gods! No, just kidding.]

Bros before pirates

Spider-Man pissing against a wall

Bill Murray is truly the King of Kings

Fråga 2007/08:968 Filmen Trolltyg i tomteskogen av Karl Sigfrid (m) till justitieminister Beatrice Ask (m) (Swedish)

Why men are never depressed

Some links courtesy of Moko and Spidercrazy, my ONLEY SB FRIENDS, apparently. Moko also made the image above, portraying UNBIASED RODENT Tomas Norström.

This has been a remarkably excellent SUPERBLOG!! post. You are welcome.

Biased Judge Not Biased, Says Biased Judge

Unsurprisingly, Sweden's Court of Appeal ruled today that heavily biased Pirate Bay judge Tomas Norström was in fact not biased at all.

"We have reached the conclusion that we do not agree with the conflict of interest claim," appeals court judge Anders Eka told news agency TT.

It need hardly be added that Anders Eka is himself biased, or that anyone still expecting a fair trial for The Pirate Bay is hopelessly naive.

Sweden Loves Pirates

Good morning, ppl. Today is the Swedish National Day, so, as the saying goes, Bow Down Before the Glory of Sweden or Feel the Wrath of the Cenobites. They'll tear your soul apart.

Also of note: Tomorrow is the last day of the European Union election. Hundreds of idiots, and a smaller number of smart people, will be elected to the European Parliament. If SUPERBLOG!! gets its wish, one of those smart people will be Christian Engström of the Pirate Party. And I feel pretty confident. In fact, if the pirates don't take at least one parliamentary seat, I promise to EAT this blog. I won't even print it out, I'll eat it right off the screen!

P.S. If you're Swedish and you want to help me avoid tasting the pixels, you can vote Pirate tomorrow. If you think FRA, IPRED and ACTA are all very bad ideas, voting pirate is the best way to show Swede rage!

Awsoma Banana Republic!

Judge in The Pirate Bay case biased:

The judge who sentenced four men to jail for their involvement with The Pirate Bay is also a member of the same copyright protection organisations as a number of the main entertainment industry representatives in the case, Sveriges Radio's P3 news programme reports.

Swedish justice system: Roxxor! Not corrupt at all!

Sweden Declares War on the Internet

Me, I'm gonna side with the Internet. I've never been more ashamed of being Swedish than today. Just kidding! Or am I?

As you've probably heard, SUPERBLOG!! heroes The Pirate Bay Boyos were convicted today. All four of them, weirdly. Carl Lundström may not be a very nice guy but I listened to the entire two-week trial and it seemed obvious that he has almost nothing to do with TPB. But Lundström is a multi-millionaire so, unlike the rest of them, he could conceivably pay the damages. Could that have something to do with the verdict? Nooo, of course not.

The damages, yeah. 30 million SEK. That's for running a website that facilitated other, unspecified people's file-sharing of a handful of movies, games, and music files. By way of comparison, 30 million SEK is a hundred times the record amount ever awarded a rape victim in Sweden. Oh, and they got one year each in prison.

Of course, this will be appealed to a higher court, and then probably appealed again, to the Swedish Supreme Court. And by the time this case is resolved once and for all, file-sharing will be obsolete and we will all have information automatically BEAMED INTO OUR BRAINS.

But right now, Peter Sunde is our Rosa Parks!

Cheburashka!

The fuck?:

Cheburashka (Russian: Чебурашка), also known as Topple in earlier English translations, is a character in children's literature, from a 1965 story by the Russian writer Eduard Uspensky. He is also the protagonist (voiced by Klara Rumyanova) of the animated film series by Soyuzmultfilm studio, the first episode of which was made in 1969.
[...]
In the 1970s a series of children's television shows, radio shows, records and magazines were produced in Sweden featuring the characters Drutten and crocodile Gena. These two characters were based on a couple of Cheburashka and Gena dolls purchased on a trip to the Soviet Union, so they were visually identical to Cheburashka and Gena. "Drutten" is a fairly good approximation of a translation of "one who tumbles down," as one meaning of the Swedish colloquial verb "drutta" is "to fall or tumble down."
But that is where the similarity ends. The two characters sang and told different stories from those in the USSR, lived on a bookshelf rather than in a city and are hand puppets operated in live action rather than stop motion. Only occasionally Swedish state TV would broadcast a segment of the Russian original, dubbed in Swedish. So, while many Swedes may visually recognize Cheburashka, they will generally not associate these characters with the ones Russian children know.

Fucking state TV. Was everything from my childhood covert communist propaganda?

YouTube: Gena singing in Swedish and coincidentally FREAKING ME OUT! Goluboy vagon! Same shit in Finnish! Kukdrutt!

Famous Swedes #4: The Pirate Bay Boyos

Look! A revival of an obscure and impopular SUPERBLOG!! feature: Famous Goddamn Swedes. Previous honorees include (and are in fact limited to) Tommy Nilsson, The Ipren Man, and Svullo. This post was originally supposed to be about Ingvar Kamprad, the richest and evilest man in the world (wait, here he is), but I changed the subject at the last minute because of the Spectrial.

The Pirate Bay, as none of you probably know, is a fine website where the deserving can partake of CULTURE without feeling bad about feeding Hollywood executives' cocaine habits. Said CULTURE is usually provided by King Kong of Cambodia. The website itself is run by sexy IT nerds Freddy No, Goodpeace Blackbeard (so named for his hacker beard as well as his benevolent attitude towards lawyers) and filesharing messiah Peter Healthy. The three are pictured above, Simpsonized.

These poor boyos, who only wanted to bring CULTURE to the masses, are now being unfairly prosecuted by Sweden's latest evil government (which has actually turned out to be just as evil as the last one) and lobbyists for Hollywood and IFPI. (Warning: semi-random linkage in previous sentence.) The trial will take circa 13 days and today was day 5. Live coverage here (mostly in Swedish).

SUPERBLOG!! wholeheartedly supports the TPB cause, at least so long as nothing we own the rights to is made available in torrent form. Anyway, there is little doubt that justice will prevail. Down with all root-sucking jackasses!

Same Day!

Congrats to the oppressed SAMES, wrinkly minority population of the northest parts of Sweden. The Sames - also called Sami or Lap peeps - celebrate their National Day today. It could be their Independence Day if not for the fact that they are not independent but rather a tiny part of the vast and glorious Swedish Empire. HOWEVER, we can assume that, even though they act all smily and happy and resigned to their fate, in secret the Sames are sharpening their knives and preparing for revolution. It's what all the nations that Sweden tries to crush under its boot eventually do. Look at the Finns and the drug-addled Norwegians.

Here's the Sami flag. It looks like something I made up in Photoshop but it's the real deal:

But what does it mean? Dear God, what does it mean?!?

Thieving Wilmington

Goddamn Corporate Chemical Credit Card Capital of the World! Did you know that Wilmington, Delaware stole our FLAG?! (Sweden's, that is.) SUPERBLOG!! just found out and is contemplating legal action. Also, what to have for lunch.

Big Bad Waffles

Today is Big Waffle Day here in Sweden (there's a Small Waffle Day in November, I think*). Since probably hundreds of years ago, we celebrate Waffle Day by eating waffles. Why? Well, Swedish Wikipedia says that it's based on a misunderstanding.

Internationally, March 25 is "Lady Day", commemorating the day Virgin Mary got knocked up by "God". However, the Swedish "vårfrudagen" (the Day of Our Lady) was somehow garbled into "våffeldagen" (the Day of Waffles). I am totally not making this shit up.

Whatever the case may be, I dedicate this SUPERBLOG!! post to war hero John Kerry, who might have been President today if he hadn't been such a waffly waffler. Also, if he'd never set foot on a fucking swift boat.



[*A lie. The rest of the post is true. Or, well, at least it's based on information taken from Wikipedia. And if it's on Wikipedia, it must be true.]

Waffle Image © Huddle House, Kerry image © someone at Pants of Time (?). Used for journalistic purposes.

Dysmenorrhea

Is Latin for mensvärk. Link via vomit connoisseur Mook.

Sweden and Finland Look Like a Penis Together

Sweden and Finland: The Cock and Balls of Europe, respectively. It's true. You just don't notice it because Norway is located just west of Sweden and usually depicted as such on maps. But! Norway isn't in the European Union (jävla svikare!) so they're not shown on the Euro.

Click image to embiggen.

Did you know I almost went to Finland this week? But I didn't. I'm still in Sweden as I type this. Which is good, considering Sweden is a much better country.

Hat Tip: I found the image on the Internet.

Christalicious!

It's a thing I say. Not shit you, I do. I have a few things I sorta say when the going gets tough and/or tame, and Christalicious! is chief among them.

So. I just finished off a friend's bottle of whiskey and some chicken beer, and RARELY have I felt more sober.

But. Did you know that 2-fucking-day is ELECTION DAY in Proud Sweden, land of Vikings and Venereal Disease? I am willing to bet that you did not. Know that. But yeah. It's the fucking whale day.

We'll maybe tell you more about it after a good night's sleep (it's 3am right now). But! I have to take a fucking 5-hour train ride tomorra, and it would surprise me a hell of a lot if I'd use that time to blog about the election. So it's all up to Sammy. And he'll probably drop the ball. But! He might surprise us!

GOD BLESS FREDRIK.

Sverige!

Sverige is Swedish for Sweden, which is where DEN SVENSKE KOCKEN comes from. Lying on the table is Paraguay. Eat shit! World Cup! Football! Woo!

Bow Down Before the Glory of Sweden or Feel the Wrath of the Cenobites

Greetings, disgusting SUPERBLOG!! readers! How are you on this fine day? Not too well, I hope. Here's the thing: since my co-blogger is a lazy son of a bitch, he asked me to blog about the connection between the Swedish National Day (which is today) and Satan. You see, he's discovered that today's date is the 6th of June, 2006, or 6/6/6. (Yeah, I know - it doesn't make much sense. But still.)

So anyway, to celebrate our proud National Day, I've stayed in and watched Hellbound: Hellraiser II on DVD. But now I'm gonna go out in the sun. To buy beer. And more DVDs. And maybe some dinner, because I hunger!

The movie gets two Michael Keatons, but surely it would have been three if I'd had beer to drink while watching it.

The Phantom Turns 70 Today!

... and why should you care?

Honestly? I have NO fucking idea. But here are a bunch of FUN FACTS to impress your friends (if you HAD ANY) with:

1. The Phantom is inexplicably popular in Scandinavia, of which Sweden is a part. Sweden is the nation wherein SUPERBLOG!! lives and works and sleeps. Sometimes SUPERBLOG!! visits other countries, but it always returns to Sweden eventually. Sweden is a land of vikings and holy men.

2. The text in the pic above is written in Swedish, the official language of Sweden. Basically it says that the Phantom is a chronic masturbator.

3. The Phantom has a wolf named Devil, who is often mistaken for a god.

4. The Phantom's catchphrase is "Do not do evil unto me, my brethren". He has occasion to utter this whenever he runs afoul of a SINGH PIRATE. Singh Pirates are from India. The Phantom is prejudiced against people from India.

5. I generally don't watch much television, because television is for assholes. Real men watch DVDs. But I will now turn on ZTV to catch an episode of The Simpsons. I will smile even if it's an episode I've seen before. But I will not laugh.

6. This blog post is brought to you by the letter K and the number Norrlands Guld.

Sweden Breeds Sperm Dog

I'm totally not making this up. Commie tabloid Aftonbladet reports that the police in Gothenburg, Sweden, will be the first in the world to use a specially trained dog to sniff out semen. The purpose is to secure evidence of rape, and the dog will primarily be used outdoors.

The dog has yet to be approved by Rikskriminalens polishundtjänst, the National Council of Crime-Fighting Dogs (or whatever), located in Karlsborg. Which is just as well because so far the dog has utterly failed during practice.

Incidentally, you have to click on this link (or the next one) and check out the acronym of another Karlsborg project. Sweden rulez!

Please note: The picture above is not of the sperm dog, but of an unrelated cocker spaniel. Get the connection? Cocker spaniel? Cock? Semen? Hello? How can you not get this?!

Sweden Fucking Rules, Your Stupid Countries Suck!

I was surprised to find most of the Internet open this morning. Don't you know it's a red-letter day? Or a bank holiday, I mean. Well, here in Sweden at least. Starting this year. So don't try to contact Superblog!! via the embassies today:

The Embassy of Sweden in Washington will be closed on Monday, June 6th to celebrate Sweden's first official National Day.

Fly the Blue and Yellow proudly.

Hurrah! Hurrah! Hurrah! Hurrah!

The blue stands for melancholy, and the yellow represents the urine spilled at the moment of death by convicted criminals at the gallows of Stockholm. The colors are arranged into a cross pattern to mock Christians. Here are the stupid reasons for the date:

Since 1916, June 6 has been celebrated as the Swedish Flag Day, but it was not until 1983 that it officially became the National Day. For a long time Sweden was probably one of very few countries in the world with no national day. [...] The date was chosen because Gustav Vasa was elected as the King of Sweden on that day in 1523, and it is also the day when Sweden's constitution was signed in 1809.

And this year, after much discussion, it finally became a bank holiday. To be perfectly honest, Swedes aren't very patriotic, so the only ones who care are probably the Nazis:

"On June 6, Stockholm's streets will again be dominated by Swedes and not by sleazy immigrants waiting for an easy victim. On June 6, we'll take back our country," one of the groups, National Opposition, states on its website.

The Nazis go on to urge all Swedes to celebrate their National Day by eating Nogger Blacks. Superblog!!, on the other hand, recommends drinking imported beer and eating greasy pizza. Cheers!

Bush Advisor Karl Rove Hates Sweden

It's "Hate Sweden" week here at Superblog!! so let's follow up yesterday's entry with a look at Mr Karl Rove, called "Bush's Brain" by some. (Direct link to movie trailer.)

Rove is one of the most influential people in the world, yet a surprising number of people have never heard of him. As the Guardian has it:

The nerdy political brawler with only a secondary school education is now the man the president likes to call his "boy genius" - a testament to Rove's role in orchestrating Bush's rise from a feckless, hard-drinking politician's brat to Texas governor to president in barely a decade. And unlike other electoral svengalis who have gone before him, Rove has carried his power intact from the campaign bus to the White House.

Just how powerful is this man? Well...

Rove's office is tight-lipped about the extent of his duties, but the few un-vetted memoirs to have escaped from this highly disciplined administration have all portrayed him as the single most powerful figure in it, with the (possible) exceptions of the president and vice-president.

Dubya and Rove go way back. While working for George Bush Sr in the 1970s, Rove met Junior, and it was love at first sight:

"Huge amounts of charisma, swagger, cowboy boots, flight jacket, wonderful smile, just charisma - you know, wow," Rove recalled years later. In 1977, Rove was sent to Texas, in theory to run a political action committee, but according to one Texan political consultant who knew him at the time, "It was really to baby-sit Bush back when Bush was drinking".

Karl Rove Fun Fact #1: Dubya has a cute nickname for his "brain":

"Turd Blossom" - a Texanism for a flower that blooms from cattle excrement.

Karl Rove Fun Fact #2 (provided by Wikipedia):

Karl Rove is known for his strong temper and use of profanity. A frequently cited example is "We will fuck him like he's never been fucked before."

Anyway, to finally get to the point: According to Bob Woodward's book Plan of Attack (as reported by Slate)...

Karl Rove, a Norwegian-American, is obsessed with the "historical duplicity" of the Swedes, who seized Norway back in 1814. This nationalism manifests itself as hatred for Swedish weapons inspector Hans Blix.

That's real rational of you, Karl! And hey, isn't it funny that it turned out that Blix was totally right and the Bush regime was totally wrong? I think it is.

Superblog!! - Historically Duplicitous