What Does Your Name Say About You?

According to kabalarians, quite a lot:

Your name is extremely important. Your name is your life! It is how you identify yourself. It is how others identify you.

Much as the skeptics among us might want to respond to that statement with a hearty "No shit, Sherlock", maybe there is something to this:

Mind and thought have their origin in an abstract plane of conscious intelligence, which comes into manifest form through the symbols of language. The brain is not the source of the mind, but merely the physical instrument of the mind. When name is attached to an individual, certain specific forces of conscious intelligence are combined.
[...]
Languages, alphabets, and calendars are creations of mind that exist only in mind and are a part of mind. Their logic depends on consistency of their form and structure. An alphabet is a set of symbols representing the sounds of the language arranged in a definite order; a calendar is a consistent ordering of days, months, and years. The Kabalarian Philosophy contains the knowledge of the Mathematical Principle, which demonstrates the existence of nine basic forces of conscious intelligence that manifest in a natural sequence and operate through language and time, through name and the date of birth, to determine the mind, the pattern of thinking, and the life experiences of the individual.

Yeah, I know, it gets slightly nutty towards the end, but it's still interesting, isn't it? Here's the best part:

The Society of Kabalarians (a registered non-profit society) draws on over 70 years of research and experience in providing name analyses, which offer invaluable benefit to people in understanding their strengths and weaknesses both mentally and physically. The Mathematical Principle can be used to make recommendations for a change of name to a balanced name, which offsets the weaknesses of the old name, and tunes the mind to the true inner potential determined from one's date of birth. With a balanced name and understanding of the inner potential, everyone can make positive, constructive changes to achieve better health, success, harmonious personal relations, and a state of overall well-being.

Yadda yadda yadda. Anyway, I know what you're thinking now - "What does your name mean, Koala?" Thankfully, there are (as of this writing) 732,112 names in their database, and Koala is one of them:

Although the name Koala creates executive ambitions, we emphasize that it limits your versatility and scope, tuning you to technical details. This name, when combined with the last name, can frustrate happiness, contentment, and success, as well as cause health weaknesses in the reproductive organs, and elimination system.

Now that you mention it, I have been feeling a certain weakness in my reproductive organs of late. Maybe I should change my name? Then again, maybe not:

Your name of Koala has made you practical, systematic, and thorough. This name encourages the expression of leadership and organizational skills, shrewdness, and analytical ability. You are mathematically adept and have great patience with work of a detailed nature such as bookkeeping, accounting, or technical research. Particular about your material possessions, you keep everything you own in a good state of repair, and you budget your personal finances very carefully. Because of its matter-of-fact influence, this name limits, to some degree, your ability to be flexible and spontaneous. You tend to treat new and unfamiliar ideas with scepticism. Because of the serious, responsible qualities of your name, you must recognize the importance of a sense of humour and optimistic perspective of life.

Indeed. If only I didn't have such a serious name, maybe I'd be able to develop a sense of humor. You've convinced me. And while "Superblog!!" isn't in the database, I think they've got us pegged:

Your name of Blog has created a most expressive nature, idealistic and inspirational, driven with a strong inner urge to be of service in some way that would uplift humanity as a whole. However, there is a tendency to assume too heavy a burden of responsibility for others, which leads to worry and undue concern. People with problems are drawn to you as they recognize you as one who has understanding and gives not only sympathy and comfort but provides also some constructive advice or assistance. You have a generous quality to your nature, but you must guard carefully against giving more than you receive or you will find yourself doing without because you have helped someone else.

Sounds like Superblog!! in a nutshell. We give and give to you people, you take and take and give nothing back. Now, why don't you go and analyze your own name?

Postscript: A look at the etymology of "Koala" yields no results. The closest match appears to be KOLYA, which is a pet form of NIKOLAI, which is itself a Russian and Bulgarian form of NICHOLAS, which basically means "victory of the people". In case you were wondering.