Monday, May 23, 2005

Star Wars Episode Two: Attack of the Clones

I watched this movie on television yesterday and thought it was pretty boring and directionless. It contains a lot of "action" sequences in CGI. At first they caused me to yawn, but I soon learned to appreciate them because the scenes with dialogue were worse.

Still, most of the actors (including Ewan McGregor and Natalie Portman) do a decent job with an uninspired script and generally sucky dialogue. The only one who's embarrassingly bad is - unfortunately - the guy who plays the lead character, whatever his name is. (I looked it up: Hayden Christensen.) I guess he's an improvement over that poor little boy in the first movie, but that's not saying much.

Anakin's shitty performance would be a problem in almost any other movie, but Star Wars Episode Two isn't about acting. Actually, I'm not sure what it's about. I don't mean just plotwise (something about clones?), but also whatever the fuck it's trying to say. My guess: Nothing whatsoever. This seems to me to be pure entertainment, aimed at children and fat, retarded man-boys. Please correct me if I'm wrong.

Questions for the filmmakers: Why was Jar Jar Binks given such a small role in this film? I thought he was HILARIOUS in the first one. (Just kidding.) Why no mention of the midichlorians? I thought they were AWESOME in the first one. (Just kidding.) Whatever happened to Darth Maul? I thought he was... oh, fuck it. BUT. There is one thing that's been bugging me since 1999. Doesn't Yoda look too young in these new movies? If he's 900 years old in Empire, shouldn't he be, like, 870 here? So why has he changed so much?

Other than that, this movie was AWESOME. I give it two Michael Keatons out of five.


Shamus O'Drunkahan said...

I would think based on the Yoda "Crazy Monkey On Speed" fighting sequence with Lord Duku, it would deserve 2 and 1/2 Keatons. I mean, Come on!

President Preston said...

I agree with my decent aquaintance Shamus. I mean, I'd go for 3 even. That was way better than your average crazy monkey on speed fight sequence. Need I remind you of the mishap that was Terminator 3?

Tsk, tsk, tsk; tsk: tsk" tsk/ tsk} tsk. (Any puncuation mark works really. You just have to believe!)

Terminator 3...Crazy McMonkeyspeedingtondislington must be rolling over in his grave.

Koala Mentala said...

I liked Terminator 3. It was crap, but at least it had better dialogue and more believable characters than Episode Two.

The thing that always bothered me about the Terminator movies is why the FUCK they keep sending Terminators back to a LATER date than the last time they tried and FAILED? If you fuck up a hit in 1984, wouldn't it be a good idea to try it again in 1975 rather than 1992?? You know, when your target is LESS experienced?

Come to think of it, I hate the Terminator movies.

Yeah, the Yoda sequence was decent, and it's scenes like that one that kept it from getting 1 Michael Keaton rather than 2.

Michelle Mitchell said...

The only reason i went to see Episode 3 Revenge of the Sith was because of Yoda, and he didnt disappoint.

Yoda rocks!!!

Koala Mentala said...

When has a muppet ever disappointed?

Come to think of it, someone did.

Sara said...

Why anyone watches Episode II with sound is beyond me.

The fight scene what shit. Anyone can wave a flashlight infront of his face and call it a light saber duel.

Koala Mentala said...

Maybe they could, but how many actually go ahead and DO IT?

You see, that's the difference between Jedi Master Yoda and the average asshole you see on the street.

Sara said...

How many people actually do it?

We have 6 toy light sabers and all 6 toy light sabers are used by 6 Star Wars nerds every Thursday and Friday at my house.

I'm sure there are more, but I leave the house as soon as they arrive. It's best not to get the nerd stench on your clothes since it won't wash out and you are then forced to burn them.

Koala Mentala said...

The nerds or the clothes?

I would say I stand corrected, except your nerds are waving around TOY lightsabers while Yoda uses a weapon that slices through meat and bone.

That's why Yoda is cool, and that's why STAR WARS ROOLZ.

Sara said...

Both. They're like bunnies or puppies or orphans.
They're sort of cute at first then you realize that they are covered in disease. And they just keep showing up, stinking and deseasing up the place.

Yoda walks around with Frank Oz's hand up his ass. If that's cool then I demand we get drunk together immediately.

Koala Mentala said...

Let's get drunk together immediately! I'll make sure Mr Oz sticks his hand up your ass, per your request.

Incidentally, OZ FUCKING ROOLZ.

And I'm not kidding about that last part.