Another Film Review: The Beyond

I've had this flick lying around on VHS for many years. I think I bought it for my then-girlfriend as a kind of stupid present but we never even removed the plastic wrapping and when we split up it somehow wound up with me. Since I don't really watch stuff on video anymore, I'd expected to either unload it (and my many other VHS movies) on some sucker, or, failing that, throw it away unseen.

But then crappy-movie-lover Moocko, who's gay for Lucio Fulci, talked me into watching it. And I'll kill him for it. This film is dull as dishwater, a clichéd and predictable piece of trash, and not even scary.

It's not the worst film in history or anything, it's just that over the last week I've watched like a dozen movies (on cinema, DVD, and television). And while not every one of them was great, all except this one were at least entertaining enough to dull the pain that is my life. The Beyond, on the other hand, made me feel like I'm wasting my life, and for that, I hate it. Mr Fulci, if I ever see you on the street, I'm gonna knee you in the balls. Don't tell me zombies can feel no pain.

Superblog!! gives The Beyond one Keaton out of five:



PLEASE NOTE: While watching Return to Oz yesterday, I drank beer, which makes me mellow. Today I had coffee, which makes me agitated.