This happens to me every time I ride an elevator. It's a short film directed by Vincenzo Natali, not to be confused with Natalie Portman. Natali is the guy who did Cube, which I liked (and some other films which I didn't like as much). Natalie Portman is someone else.
The lesson is as important today as it was back in 1996: BE CAREFUL ON THE ELEVATOR BECAUSE YOU WILL DIE.
Maybe I'll be a millionaire one day. Then I'll spit down, just like I do now.
Not today and not yesterday but the day before yesterday I went to Norway. It was a foggy day.
My local Walmart (or Swedish equivalent) has plenty of DVDs to choose from. There's American Pie 2, and also American Pie: The Wedding. And if you don't like either of those, there's American Pie Presents Band Camp and yes, even American Pie Presents Beta House! Oh, and if, for some reason, you don't like American Pie at all, there's United 93. But who doesn't like American Pie!!
Cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger.
It's Saturday night, muthafuggas! It's party time and not one minute we can lose! Da ba da dan dee dee dee da, nee na na na, pretty baby! Etc.
Every movie has a moral, though sometimes it is secret. But no matter how cleverly it is hidden, SUPERBLOG!! always finds it. This time around, I will expose the morals of a bunch of films for all the world to see! Like last month, I'll be ordering the films by how good they were, and not, as you might have expected, by how good they weren't. Oh wait, that's basically the same thing. Anyway. We'll start with NOT ALL THAT GOOD and see what happens. Click on the links for better reviews and/or related reading on other sites (mostly The AV Club).
NOT ALL THAT GOOD:
Ali G Indahouse (2002) (R)
So much weaker than the TV series. Moral: Sometimes idiots prosper.
Mum & Dad (2008)
Fairly standard torture porn. Moral: Family is everything.
Superman/Batman: Public Enemies (2009)
I preferred Green Lantern, which I think I reviewed last time. Moral: Don't vote for Lex Luthor.
Bye Bye Birdie (1963)
Moral: Ann-Margret had an ability to be 25 and act 14. Is that a moral? I watched this only because of the Mad Men episode, of course. The only good parts are the beginning and the end.
Viva Las Vegas (1964)
See, this is like a sequel to BBB, only it has the real, less weak, Elvis. Moral: Elvis is king.
The Two Jakes (1990)
Moral: Sequels made too many years after the original (16, in this case) always disappoint.
PRETTY GOOD:
Columbo: Suitable for Framing (1971) (R)
Moral: Crime does not pay. As with all Columbos.
Columbo: Death Lends a Hand (1971)
P I Robert Culp tries to blackmail Ray Milland's younger wife. (But is killed by Ray Milland's older wife! No, there is only one wife. And she is killed by Robert Culp.) Why did I write a plot line for this one but not the other one? You'll never know. Moral: I already told you: Crime does not pay.
Doomsday (2008) (R)
Moral: Sol is king.
Slither (2006)
Moral: Monsters are bad.
In the Company of Men (1997)
Moral: Don't be kind to women.
The Major and the Minor (1942) (R)
Moral: Deception invariably leads to love.
Waitress (2007)
Moral: Live your dreams. Have a kid.
District 9 (2009)
Hmm, I should have linked the title to Roger Ebert's review instead, but now it's too late. What this movie reminds me of the most is Spielberg's AI - basically interesting sci-fi idea, great production design, but suffers from lack of intelligence and a sense of proportions. While I had low expectations for AI (partly because I was, and remain, a huge Kubrick fan), I had very high expectations for this one, based on the buzz. And thus I found it hugely disappointing. The irritating thing is that parts of it are so good that I wish a lot of the rest weren't cliched dime-a-dozen action. Moral: Racism is bad.
GOOD:
Star Trek (2009)
Moral: Space... something.
Brüno (2009)
Moral: Something about being gay? I don't know. I laughed more than I had expected, though.
The Brothers Bloom (2009)
Ambitious. Wikipedia calls it a "postmodern caper film". It's not another Brick, but well worthwhile anyway. Moral: Be careful what you wish for, maybe? The morals idea wasn't very good.
Good Arrows (2009) (R)
Moral: Jenkem is better than heroin.
Thank You for Smoking (2006) (R)
Moral: You should make up your own mind.
EXCELLENT:
Drag Me to Hell (2009)
Alison Lohman is less the female Bruce Campbell than the female Michael J Fox. It's weird to see her playing an actual grown-up. Anyway: A lot of Drag Me to Hell is predictable, including the ending, but it's still a delight. (Can I use the word "delight" without seeming gay? Probably not.) Almost as energetic and fun as the Evil Dead movies. Moral: Be kind to gypsies. Also, Check the envelope.
Juno (2007) (R)
There's been a bit of a backlash in the years since, particularly towards Diablo Cody's hipster dialogue. And yes, a little of it goes a long way (and no, I won't be surprised if Jennifer's Body sucks) but I maintain that in this context, and in Ellen Page's mouth, it works beautifully. Moral: I already told you: People who want kids should have kids.
In Bruges (2008) (R)
Moral: You've got to stick to your principles and blow your own head off.
Primer (2004) (R)
One of my favorite movies of all time. Moral: With great power comes something or other.
P.S.
I also watched Ali G in da USAiii: Season 1 (2003, 6 episodes) and Da Ali G Show: Season 2 (2004, 6 episodes) and Hung: Season 1 (2009, 10 episodes) and The Shield: Season 1 (2002, 13 episodes), but I don't have to make up morals for them, do I? But I'll tell you a little about:
True Blood: Season 2 (2009, 12 episodes)
My initial thoughts, after last season, were that it was still pretty terrible, but a lot more fun. It was slowly developing into a guilty pleasure. But towards the end of the season I snapped out of it and realized that it's incredibly mediocre, and not really worth watching. I think I'll stop here.
and:
Weeds: Season 5 (2009, 13 episodes)
I've always liked Weeds, check out the reviews of season 1 and 2 from back in 2007. It's lightweight and very meandering, but also extremely enjoyable. Then again, somehow I'm always more or less drunk when I watch it, so your mileage may vary.
D.S.
I have an idea for a film script in which Victor Frankenstein's nephew Hictor Årankenstein* creates a Godfather of Semi-Organized Crime (or G-SOC). I call it Frankenstein's Mobster.
(*Because Frankenstein's sister married a guy called Åke Årankenstein. The film should more properly be called Årankenstein's Mobster but I'm going with Frankenstein for commercial reasons. Frankenstein is the more recognizable and marketable name, especially since many languages don't even use the letter Å.)
Anyway, to make a long story short, Hictor Årankenstein, the nephew, uses electricity to manufacture a creature he calls Bruce Kent (a clever amalgation of the civilian identities of those classic comic book characters, Superman and Batman! It is a sort of foreshadowing). Bruce starts as a lowly garbage sweeper but slowly works his way up through the ranks of Chicago's number one crime family, led by Chicago Charlieson. Finally, in the last scene of the script (SPOILER!), Bruce Kent kills Chicago Charlieson with his broom, which he has had gold-plated. How ironic. The last words of Chicago are, "I leave you now with everything" which Bruce takes as a vote of confidence.
I also have an idea for a sequel in which Bruce travels to space.
Oh, pardon me, Mr. "Let's ration everything", but what d'you think we're floating on? Don't you know the poem? "Water, water, everywhere, so let's all have a drink."
- Homer Simpson (not Samuel Taylor Coleridge)
Saturday is lördag in Swedish and was named for washing up. The lör part is originally from the Proto-Germanic word Laugr which means water or water torture. In English the day was named for the planet Saturn which was itself named for the video game consule. Just kidding (HA!), it was actually named for the Roman god of agriculture and harvest and justice and strength. Saturn was pretty much the Supreme Ruler of the Omniverse but he was also a bit of an asshole (which maybe goes hand in hand). He castrated his father Caelus and ate his own children to prevent them from fucking with him (although Jupiter survived, and did indeed fuck with him later on. So one might argue that Saturn was right to try and eat his kids). Incidentally, in Babylon he was called Ninib. Incidentally again, Saturnalia is feast and also a dinosaur.
According to ISO 8601, Saturday is the sixth day of the week, although some contrary Jews and Christians refuse to follow the standard. Throw them to the Lions!
What. No. It's Freja's Day or Frigg's Day. But for me it will always be the day of the incestuous brother-and-sister team Fenris, AKA Andreas and Andrea von Strucker, because they were in X-Men comics when I was a small, impressionable child, and so I always think about them on Fridays. What. No. I haven't thought about them since probably the 1980s or something, when I read the actual comics. (During this period X-Men was written by Chris Claremont and drawn by John Romita, Jr.) They have nothing to do with Fridays. Looking at that picture now it seems to me that Andrea is hot (in an '80s kind of way) whereas Andreas is totally gay. They're white supremacists, though, so they both have ugly souls! (Nevertheless, I would totally do her. What. No.)
I assume the team is named for the mythological (?) (!!!) wolf who bit off the hand of Tyr. But that's a bit stupid because Why The Face do they have to do with him? Except maybe that their dad is Baron Wolfgang von Strucker. Get it? Wolf? It's a bit labored, but that's the only connection I can see. I'm probably missing something.
Wolfgang is, of course, a name common to white supremacists. Other prominent Wolfgangs include Wolfgang Pauli and Oz's Wolfgang Cutler, the Man with the Spoon. If I were a character on Oz, I would be Tim McManus. We don't look alike but we're both idealists and losers and fictional.
Some asshole may have previously told you that Thursday is Thirst Day but he or she was either misinformed or willfully spreading malicious untruths. Thursday is the fourth day of the week (some say third) and is universally recognized as the day to eat ärtsoppa AKA pea soup. (Not to be confused with pee soup, which is consumed exclusively during a weekend of drunken weirdness.)
Thor has a fuckload of names.
Hey! Meet Bo, the First Dog. What. That's a wrong link for this post.
UPDATE at the same time as the rest so not really an update at all. I found a proper picture of proper Thor. Here he is with his friends Bill Bixby and the Hulk:
It is, you could look it up. Today is the day of Odin Quincannon, the malicious meat magnate of Salvation, Texas. He sure liked his meat, that guy. Although the day wasn't actually named for him but for another guy called Odin (or Oden or Woden or Óðinn or Wotan). Here's a biography of the proper Odin. You know, Odin, the living omnipotence:
Kirby's Odin is a bit '60s, as opposed to Quincannon, who is a very 90s kind of guy. But Odin fucking lives, bitches! (And Asgard dies.) Odin is also a Swedish satellite.
And now you know... the rest of the story.
Surely you've heard of Tyr, the Norse god who gave his right hand to Fenrir, the Great Wolf. Tuesday is, quite literally, Tyr's Day in some languages, including Swedish (tisdag).
Tyr is destined to kill and be killed by Garm, the guard dog of Hel. It'll be awesome.
If Sammy knew how to label his posts properly, clicking on the word moons would take you to a photo of an evil moon and a realistic plan for world peace. But he doesn't, so it doesn't, so I have to link to them manually. That works too, but it takes a lot of time, and I am a very busy man. But it has to be done, so I do it, totally without complaining. I am like Jesus, only much better - because I am real.
Real like the moon.
ITEM! It's fashionable to speak ill of Bradley Cooper nowadays, but if you think about it honestly for a moment: Don't you suck just as hard? Maybe even harder, because Bradley has mountains of cash and a gold Lexus and gets whores aplenty (at a Hollywood discount, no less!). Whereas you cry yourself to sleep every night clutching an empty bottle of cheap bourbon.
ITEM! I should post a link to Dracula Part 5 because I believe I linked to the rest. Abhay Dracukhosla! You rock, somewhat.
ITEM! Xenomorph Enchantment Under the Sea, motherfuckers! Dance! Dance!
ITEM! 90s teen hearthrob Luke Perry makes naked Swedish film in the idyllic seaside village of Trosa AKA Panty (no shit), south of Stockholm (also probably true, consult Google Maps). Amazing! I liked it when they bricked him in in Oz. Will he be bricked in this time too? Very possibly.
ITEM! No more items.
