For Real This Time: The True Body of Sammy

The Prosecutor

All prosecutors should be forced to dress like that. Same goes for stinking liberals.
On stereo: Leo Sayer - You make me feel like dancing.
Reading: You Mean I'm Not Lazy, Stupid Or Crazy?!: A Self-help Book for Adults with Attention Deficit Disorder.
Thinking about: Genocide.

Here's Yet Another Blog Entry That Pretty Much Only Consists of a Link, This Time to a List of the Fifty Best Indie Films

To my vast and eternal shame, I have only seen 23 of the 50 greatest independent movies. How many have YOU seen? And which ones? And why? And what did you learn? And when did you lose your virginity? And just how ugly was she/he? And how much did it cost?

Answers in a plain envelope PLEASE.

They Call Him Uncle

He's the DUDE who BATHED all day LONG until he was WRINKLY and DROWNED.

Koala Karrot Kam

As promised, here are the carrots.
Yes, I took a photo of my rotten carrots.
Yes, my carrots are rotten. And I took a photo of them.
Yes. Oh GOD yes.

SUPERBLOG!!: Purveyors of fine rotten vegetables since 2006.

How Pearl Harbor Nearly Destroyed My Life AGAIN

While we wait for those FUCKING carrots, let me tell you a story. Something that happened to me on the train yesterday. I was sitting on a train and the girl in the seat next to me pulled out her EVIL LAPTOP and started watching Pearl Harbor. I punched her out and threw her from the train.

No. But I should have.

Waiting for Carrots

I was gonna post something about carrots, along with a picture of that very fruit, but Blogger's sucky "Add Image" function is sucky and not even cool. So I thought I'd better post this while we wait for Blogger to pull its head out of its anus (metaphorically speaking of course). Just so you don't start to worry.

Incidentally, I've been out of town over the weekend but I thought the last few days of KRAZY-POSTING from Sammy, my disturbed uncle, was little short of a revolution in blogging. Will anything EVER be the SAME, or won't it? Or will it? I doubt it. I doubt EVERYTHING.

Now we tighten our little hands into little fists and wait for carrots.

The End

I'm tired now. Goodbye.

Photo #75: Beer Built This Blog

and coffee, and water and Coca Cola. Milk was involved too.

???

Without alcohol none of the things below would have happened to me.

1. Me getting a substantial amount of girls making out with me.
2. Me being haunted by jewelry traders in Sri Lanka/Ceylon.
3. Me being a witness (never questioned) in a shooting in Norrköping, Sweden. Remember folks, a witness, not a perpetrator.
4. Me being robbed in Prague.
5. Me getting together with that girl from Chicago.
6. Me being ditched (or being the one ditching, too drunk to remember) by that girl from Chicago.
7. Me being robbed in Tallin, Estonia.
8. Me doing a lot of weird things.

and 74 other cool happenings.
Praise alcohol.

Problem

I will now reach out with my right arm and grab a book. Randomly I'll quote eight lines, no make that four lines from the book my mighty arm grabs.

Wait again. It was a Swedish book. It must be something in English. Hold on.

...forms of deviancy, unrelated to the group task are irrelevant. An individual who is deviant in sexual object choice is a case in point. Consider those with a homosexual orientation; some do very poorly in therapy groups composed of heterosexual males and females. They do.....

Conclusion: If you're gay and you have issues, go to a gay therapy group.

On my stereo: Grease: You're the one that I want.

Fucking

Fat! There are too many fat people in the world. I'll work that out somehow. Time now: 5:17PM and that's with that stupid 12 hour am,pm system. I just paid our bills via Föreningssparbanken.. In England or God forbid USA that would have been The Union Savings Bank or whatever. Notorious by Duran Duran plays in the background and I like it. I like it a lot. I'm very much into the eighties. Safety dance and some drugs... Yummy... To finish this one of, our bills this month amounted to SEK 16,712. I have some money left which is good since the amex bill shows up next week.

Your

Here I am again. My parents were here and I gave them cake and coffee. I also tried to explain to my father what a blog is. He asked. I explained. I don't think he understood.

Do you like music? This is Darin. He was released from Gitmo a year ago and now he's rapping about the problems he had there.

Is

That was great. I'm satisfied now. More coffee and more snus will make this day enjoyable.

What

I think it's time for me to have some breakfast now. It's 11.26 here in Sverige and I feel hungry. My breakfast consists of coffee and bread and butter and Swedish meatballs and after that some snus. I'm a General portion user and proud of it.

SUPERBLOG!!

Metaphorically photoblogging....

Hej Köttmongon!!

Inte fan orkar jag skriva på engelska så nu blir det ett inlägg på gammal go Svenska. Svenska!!! Hahhaha!!!
Jag sökte bilder på svensk porr och då hittade jag bilden ni ser framför er om ni tittar. Det är tre representanter för den Svenska synden. Från vänster ser vi La Camilla, sen kommer Ylva (hon gillar porr) och sist och minst Domicia Pervyzcynzjka. Hon är Polish. Konstiga namn har de allt en del. Alla utom hon i mitten har varit med i Svenska pop-undret Army of Lovers. jävlar vad bra musik de gjort genom tiderna.

'Hurrah Hurrah Apocalypse' contains not only all the Army Of Lovers music video clips ever made, but also features the complete classic 'Videovaganza' collection from 1993, and the previously unreleased 'Le Grand Docu-Soap' collection, with never before available bonus material recorded under the weirdest and strangest conditions imaginable on the tropical island of Borneo in 2000.

Apocalypse now som vi säger i Skäggetorp. Nästa gång ska jag skriva på engelska men nu måste jag gå och se vidare på Lord of War. Until next time, learn some Swedish you köttmongon.

For Real This Time: The True Face of Koala

You know, you can get me to go along with pretty much any stupid plan. Say you want to dig up someone's grave just for fun but you're too chicken to do it alone? Count me in. Or maybe you want a partner in your new scheme to exploit the elderly and the retarded? Sounds like fun. Or you want to rob a bank and you need a getaway driver? I'm there, man.

But there are two things I absolutely refuse to do:
1) Brush my teeth
2) Reveal my true face on the Interweb

Except that's complete bullshit because there are about a billion photos of me lying around on the web. But most of those were taken before I had my nervous breakdown or whatever it was that made me start a blog I like to call SUPERBLOG!!

I like to call it that, because that is its name. SUPERBLOG!!

Capital S, capital U, capital P, capital... you get the idea. SUPERBLOG!!

Wait, is it me? I'm honestly not sure. It probably is.

Photo #74: Anna Book - The Blood Sucker

Remember Anna Book? Of course you don't! Unless you're one of them freaks hanging here for the last year or so.. Well, our saga continues (and it will do so a long time after the average SUPERBLOG!! reader is dead and buried). Like yesterday I saw that Swedish tabloid Aftonbladet wrote about our friend Anna Book again. She actually claims that she has two litres (0.52 gallons) of dried up blood in her stomach. Where did that come from??

I have my suspicions because after she took our picture Anna and Koala were all cuddly cuddly (I have photographs...) aboard the ship of death and most likely the headline should have been: I have two litres of Koala's dried up blood in my stomach. Now we have a reasonable explanation for his paleness. If you don't believe me, go fuck yourself.

I'm quite tired of blogging about shit like this so here's a picture of a woman covered in whipped cream.

By Popular Demand: The True Face of Koala Mentala

Yeah. So... yeah.

Photo #73: The Uncle

When I changed my profile picture into this I soon realised that someone could filter it back in Photoshop and that someone turned out to be the Gooster, our own female Chapman! Being such an evil and greedy Gooster she's been trying to blackmail us for a while now. Threatening to reveal my identity and things like that.

Blackmail is the crime of threatening to reveal substantially true information about a person to the public, a family member, or associates unless a demand made upon the victim is met. This information is usually of an embarrassing or socially damaging nature.

Her demand was that I should send her more pictures of myself or she would blow my cover. She's obviously deeply in love with me after seeing my strikingly beautiful eyes, the shape of my face and my wonderfully vigorous smile.... Actually I'm not even angry because since I am who I am I forgot to save the original picture and I'm not very good with photoshop so if it wasn't for Goo that picture above should be gone forever but now I'm restored! I feel like a new man! Thank you Goo! How can I ever reward you? You'll keep your SUPERBLOG!! bitch status for a very long time thanks to your imaging skills.

(But you must forget about being allowed to publish your works here at SUPERBLOG!! You're just not good enough yet. Our standards are pretty high as you know.)

Everything is Beautiful When You're Drunk

Even carrots.

Especially carrots.

Send this entry to fifteen friends (URL: http://superblog2.blogspot.com/2006/01/everything-is-beautiful-when-youre.html) and God will reward you in the afterlife. Also, a little boy lying in the hospital with a broken leg won't die from sniffing too much glue for another couple of weeks. Also, the war in Iraq will never have happened. Also, one day a representative of SUPERBLOG!!, Inc., will be standing on your doorstep with a HUGE CARROT in his hand, asking you to bend over. Like SUPERBLOG!! itself, it will hurt but be good for you.

Photo #72: Buy My Freakish Computer Now!

I need to sell some stuff because I need the money for certain cravings I've got. Please buy this fine computer! Bids start at $100. Seller ships worldwide (Buyer pays actual shipping charges.) Please look at my other auctions.

I'M SELLING MY PENIS!! ONLY ONE IN THE WORLD!!

An Embarrassment of Shit

An Embarrassment of Shit.
Yeah, I coined that phrase earlier today. Brilliant, if you ask me. Use it or lose it, bitches!

Everything Explained Once and For All.
The name Britta rhymes with fitta, which is Swedish for (wait for it) cunt. That's why only the evilest of parents in Sweden would contemplate naming their little girl thusly. Here are some Brittas. They have our sympathy.

Loneliness and Despair.
After a massive uprising among SUPERBLOG!! fans, I've decided to resume my novel. Check for it some time this decade.

Television Should be Televised.
Brilliant but cancelled: Lookwell!, by Conan O'Brien and Robert Smigel, and starring Adam "Superman" West! Here's a twenty, let's agree to disagree.

Birgit Nilsson Also Dead as a Can of Spam

She squealed like a pig and made millions of bucks while doing it and now she's dead.

STOCKHOLM, Sweden -- Birgit Nilsson, the farmer's daughter who became renowned in the world's great opera houses for her dazzling voice and among colleagues for her playful sense of humor, has died at age 87.
She died on Christmas Day, the Stockholm daily Svenska Dagbladet reported.

She had no humor at all. She was fat, old and totally crazy.

Odds and Sods

Proving once again that SUPERBLOG!! is a better blog by far than any blog ever in the entire history of everything and then some, here are sixteen entries in one:


1. Carmen Lied to Us, and Other Stories of Misery and Betrayal

Have you ever seen a happier mug shot than Tom DeLay's above? I haven't. By the way, did you know Carmen Electra's real name is Tara Patrick? I didn't. That changes everything.

When I'm 62, I wanna look just like George Clinton. Actually, I wanna look like that when I'm 32. If I'm alive then, which I probably won't be, as loyal readers know.


2. Oh Five

I like JibJab's year-end Flash movie ("2-0-5"), but their server is constantly crapping out so you can see it at MSN instead, maybe. Or not. The picture quality is kinda poor, but it's amusing nonetheless. JibJab was/were mentioned once before on SUPERBLOG!!, almost a year ago, and that caused their hits to triple overnight.


3. Children Can Be Cruel

So I was standing in line at the store when I had an epiphany that will only make sense to people who speak Swedish. The girl behind the register had a name tag that said Britta. I said to myself, "That's an unusual name for a young(ish) chickling." A couple of minutes later, while walking home, I suddenly realized why few girls today are called Britta...


4. Suicide Update

I'm still alive and I plan to take a trip two days from now, on Friday the 13th, so perhaps suicide won't be necessary after all. SUPERBLOG!! is a very superstitious blog.


5-16. Yeah, like I was really going to write sixteen entries. You get what you get.

The winds cry BITTERNESS!!

Life Is Fucking Wonderful!

Life is fucking wonderful because

a. I make almost as many dollars a year as the American average employee.
b. Soon I will earn a lot more. Well a little more perhaps, but still....!
c. I'm as healthy as a rhesus monkey.
d. I have no suicidal thoughts whatsoever.
e. I have good friends in many places.
f. I have a little family now.
g. Jebus loves me but not you.
h. I own lots of stuff. Owning stuff is what life is all about. Looking at it and listening to it is cool too.
i. I'm a co-blogger here at SUPERBLOG!! That makes me special.

There! I hope that my good fortune will cheer you up Koala!

Thoughts on My Watery Death

This morning I decided to start my day with a refreshing bath. Immersed in water, I suddenly thought, hey, if I just stayed in this tub until I died, how long would it take for someone to find my rotting corpse? I figured about a week.

Of course, that's not a very realistic scenario. I was surrounded by over 200 liters of water and over the coming days I would clearly be overcome with thirst at some point and unable to resist drinking from it. And that means it could take several weeks to die, possibly more. Thus, I would most likely fail.

Besides, it would be an incredibly boring and prolonged suicide attempt. The highlights of the coming days would be seeing the mail arrive in the morning (the bathroom door was open), and hearing the telephone ring occasionally. And the cell phone until the battery ran down. I had left the TV on in the living room, but on too low volume to hear from the bathroom. I was comfortable for the moment, but soon the water would cool. Was it cheating if I replaced the water once in a while? I thought I'd be okay if I just had to lie in cold water, but I had at least two other problems to contend with: Urine. Feces. Obviously I hadn't thought this through. It would be stupid to try and kill oneself in such a manner.

No, a more active suicide is in order.

Now: Breakfast.

Place The Cream on Your Face And Spread It All Around

Find out if Dubya really looks like Dubya. Or like a moron. Or like a pretzel. After that you should upload your own face or a photo of it and see which famous dude you resemble the most. I resemble Dennis Hopper the most (65%) and I also look very much like that green party idiot from Germany, Joschka Fischer.

I hate little German environmental gnomes. No, I don't. I tolerate them like I tolerate so much else. I'm tolerant.

Photo #71: Be Afraid - Be Very Afraid

I decided it was time to update my profile and share my beauty with the rest of the world. After digging through thousands of photos decipting yours truly this was the best I could come up with! Do I look like a serial killer or what? A little drunk perhaps because I'm not killing serially or seriously at all. I'm just great with the camera (which is my weapon of choice). That photo was in fact taken by myself.... aboard the ship of death. That's the place where everything magical in this world takes place.

Drink, Fuckers!

Among my many New Year's resolutions was to start drinking alone, something I've rarely done before. So I'm having a glass of wine as I type this. Well, that's not strictly true - I'm actually drinking it straight out of the bottle, because that means less dishes, and nobody can see me do it anyway. Uh, except the fuckers in the house right across the street. But I don't know who they are so I don't care.

This is ALL TRUE. A lot of people seem to think most of the stuff they read on SUPERBLOG!! is bullshit, but almost everything we write is true. After a fashion. I'll admit we sometimes exaggerate for effect.

Another true fact: four teenage girls with no place to drink wanted to come to my apartment on New Year's Eve but I turned them down, because they were surely underage and I am a moral and upstanding citizen. And instead I spent most of the night watching DVDs with one of SUPERBLOG!!'s worst enemies. I can't tell you how many times I've been haunted by that decision. I'll probably cry all the way to my (early) grave.

Unless I start drinking more, of course. Everything feels good when you're drunk.

Yet another true fact: my co-blogger Unky Sammy did a very BAD thing during his recent visit to my palace. But he also did a GOOD thing, in that he gave me a DVD of the epic masterpiece Hells Angels on Wheels, which I watched five times before I grew bored of it and gave it to a homeless man. Such is life: both good and bad.

That is all. Return to your work stations.