Monday, November 28, 2005

The Book of Koala, Chapters 19-23

suck me, picasso! suck me hard!

Chapters 1-3
Chapters 4-14
Chapter 15
Chapters 16-18

Seeing as how our number of daily hits dropped like a rock about the same time I started writing my novel, you might be forgiven for asking out loud whether it wouldn't be smart of us to drop the book-writing stuff and focus on what SUPERBLOG!! does best, namely posting pics of Carla Gugino's boobs. Then again, you might not, because that's LOSER TALK. SUPERBLOG!! has never been about the tits, it's always been about the despair.

So here's the latest installment of the Book of Koala.

Chapter 19: Google is a Verb

SUPERBLOG!! was eaten by a lion. The lion felt sick to his stomach. The stomach was full of acid. Herman took a lot of acid. Herman went to raves. Polly was the rave of the town. The town was a miniature of a real town. Herman and Polly were both six inches high. Herman was high. Polly was a vampire. The town was a town of vampires. Vampires suck blood. Polly sucked blood. Herman was a vampire as well. Herman sucked blood, just like Polly. Polly invited Herman to a cup of tea. Herman accepted Polly's invitation. Herman dressed up in his finest suit for his date with Polly. After tea, they went to a movie. The movie was an action movie. The action movie starred Will Smith. Will Smith was playing the good guy. The good guy won in the end. The good guy won by defeating the bad guy. The bad guy was an Arab. Will Smith is Black.

The Arab was played by Saddam Hussein. Saddam was a bad man in real life, as well. Saddam didn't like candy. Saddam didn't like sunshine. Saddam just liked evil and hate. Will Smith defeated Saddam's character, but he couldn't defeat Saddam. After the movie, Saddam and Will Smith had a cocktail and discussed politics. Saddam said he liked dictatorship. Will Smith said he liked democracy. Will Smith called Saddam a tyrant. Saddam was sad. Will Smith apologized. They found to their surprise that they had a lot in common. Both had a cousin named Bill. Will Smith's cousin was Bill Smith of Montana. Saddam Hussein's cousin was Bill Jones of Indiana.

Herman and Polly didn't see any of this because it was long after the movie had ended and the cameras were turned off. As far as Herman and Polly knew, Will Smith had defeated Saddam. Herman slipped Polly some tongue. Polly reciprocated.

Six months later, Polly gave birth. Polly's baby was Herman's as well. Herman was the father. Polly was the mother. They had made the baby together, but it came out of Polly's body. The baby was a vampire. The baby was born with sharp teeth. But it was a baby.

Herman felt happy, but Herman also felt a bit strangled by being a father. Herman wondered if he could cope. Polly said Herman would be a good father.

Six years later, Herman took the baby to the movies. The baby wasn't a baby anymore. It was a child. The child liked the movie. The movie was a comedy. The comedy starred Julia Roberts. After the movie, Herman took the child to a coffee-shop. The coffee-shop served coffee. Herman had some coffee. The child had some lemonade, and some ice-cream. The child liked the lemonade, but the ice-cream was too cold. The ice-cream hurt the child's teeth.

Polly was at home, cleaning the house. The house was very dirty. Polly was singing as she worked. Polly was singing a rap song. The song was about love and carnality. The song had dirty lyrics. Polly didn't know all the words. Polly hummed some parts of the song. A lamp was destroyed. It was an accident, but Polly felt guilty. Polly picked up the shards.

Six minutes later, Herman and the child came home. Polly greeted them. With sadness in her ice and voice. Her ice were sad. There was sadness in them. Polly asked the child if it had been a good movie. The child told Polly about the ice-cream. Polly smiled. Herman smiled. How did the child feel?

On the other side of town, right in the middle of the town, far away from the town, in the outskirts of the town, everything was happiness and ice-cream. A birthday party was taking place in the basement of Crocodile Bill, a man who worshipped Panjo, the three-headed snake. The birthday party was for Panjo. Of course, Panjo had never been born in a conventional sense, but who among us can say they have?

Chapter 20: When Panjo Was Hungry

Panjo was eating a Snickers bar. A Snickers bar is a chocolate bar. The Snickers Corporation didn't pay to appear in this novel. Panjo was eating a Snickers bar. It was good. It tasted nice, Panjo thought. Panjo ate it all up. But when the Snickers bar was eaten, Panjo still felt hungry. So he ate the world.

Chapter 21: Everything is Finally Explained to Everyone's Satisfaction

The ancient Azteks believed that the reason Panjo still hungered even after eating the entire world was that he had three heads. Only one of his heads had eaten the world. The other two weren't satisfied. Now, this doesn't make much sense, because even though it is true that Panjo had three different heads (each one uglier than the last), he had only one stomach. So why should it matter if he had three heads? That's just dumb. But it's what the Azteks believed. They believed all sorts of stupid stuff like that, and that's why it was easy for us to wipe them out.

Anyway, Panjo still felt hunger, and so he ate the Moon. Then he read the newspaper. It was the New York Times - OF DOOM. The New York Times of Doom was a paper published only in the Hell that Panjo inhabited. Panjo read the sports section.

Chapter 22: My Train is Faster Than Yours

Everything I do is great, everything you do sucks elephant balls with elephantiasis. Or should I say... lymphatic filariasis?

My urine smells like lavendar, your urine smells like piss.

My train is faster than yours. In fact, yours isn't even a train. It's a BUS. Bee you ess. A bus. Is that anything to brag about? Owning a bus you like to call a train? You stupid hamster.

Chapter 23: Hairspray Ruins the Planet

(AUTHOR'S NOTE: I didn't feel like writing this chapter.)

To be continued.


I'm Patrick!! said...

This is Carla Gugino speaking. I've decided to donate my boobs to superblog. I'm also donating vegetables, but they've been peed on, so shipping is extra..


Moocko said...

It's moving. It's hard to make sense of it, but it's truly moving.

Goo said...


so go to it! write chapter 23.

you may dedicate it to me if you like... for my birthday is thursday you know.

The Stalker said...

Bravo, I can see a best seller

Koala Mentala said...

That's very generous of you, Ms. Gugino! And I see you're Patrick as well! But, come to think of it, aren't we all a little bit Patrick?

Goo, I'm afraid Chapter 23 has already been carved in stone and handed off to Moses. But if you'd like, maybe I can donate chapter 123 to you!

Scott, you're unusually perceptive today. Have you taken LSD?

Goo said...

thx koala, ch. 123 is good enuff for me. i'll be waiting for it on pins and needles. can i have chapter 2323 written in my honor as well? yep yep thx!

Goo said...

...btw, whos painting is that? i should know it...

zenmonki said...

It's Panjo!

zenmonki said... might be forgiven for asking out loud whether it wouldn't be smart of us to drop the book-writing stuff and focus on what SUPERBLOG!! does best...

You're assuming that we think you're smart...

koala said...

Goo, pretty often I write illuminating alt texts for the pics I post. This is one of those times.

Zenmonki, if you read it again you'll notice I didn't assume that. My blog posts are as carefully worded as the election promises of a presidential candidate. Read my lips: monkeys suck!

Goo said...

OF COURSE it's Picasso!! I'm ashamed I had to ask ...and I call myself an artist?

For the record, I was stoned through most of college, especially art history classes.

zenmonki said...

nGoo, pretty often I write illuminating alt texts for the pics I post. This is one of those times.

And I thought I was the only one who liked to do that.

Read my lips: monkeys suck!

Yes, they do. It sounds like you might have taken my flippant comment a little too harshly. Hope that wasn't the case.

Koala Mentala said...

Zenmonki, I hereby BAN you from SUPERBLOG!! for unashamed flippancy. (Ironically, my "monkeys suck" comment didn't have anything to do with you. I was talking about the ANIMAL. But now you're banned. Forever.)

Goo, you're banned as well. SUPERBLOG!! is a drug-free blog.

zenmonki said...

But now you're banned. Forever.

Oh, like that's never happened to me before.

That might work on a regular reader, but I'm a card-carryin' SUPERBLOG!!(!!) bitch, man. That shit don't work on me.

Koala Mentala said...

Banned people can't talk, Zen.