Saturday, January 05, 2008

2007: The Year of Watching DVDs, Part 36: The Last One

I started watching the IMDb top 250 list and when I finished that, I watched everything else. All 2007's reviews.

An American In Paris (1951): I'm sure it's a wonderful movie but it almost made me puke on a number of occasions. Like when sex terrorist Gene Kelly sings with some children. Gene Kelly. He's a professional monster pig, isn't he? He plays an artist. Film guest stars aunt Harriet from the Batman TV series! Plus it wasn't even filmed in Paris!! Moral: Anything goes when you can dance.

Stagecoach (1939): Seemingly endless western by John Ford (his first talkie). It's about a stagecoach. 18 minutes in, SUPERBLOG!! Mortal Enemy John Wayne enters, playing "Ringo the Kid" or "The Ringo Kid" or "Kid Ringo Teh" or somesuch. His distinguishing characteristic in this movie is that he is polite to a whore. But it later turns out that his politeness stems not from the goodness of his heart but rather a desire to "marry" her. Moral: John Wayne liked to fuck prostitutes.

Rebel Without a Cause (1955): This movie stars that guy the pop group Troll sang about. They were from the town I live in. Ends with lots of dramatic music and running. And a stupid whiny cry-baby with a gun. Moral: Watch out for the police.

Hard Eight (1996) (repeat): AKA Sydney. Here's what I found when I image googled the title. Moral: Don't kill people.

Chancer, Series 1 (1990) (TV series, 13 episodes) (repeat): I liked this when it aired on SVT when I was a kid. It's grey and dull and very English and very late 80s. Now it remind me a little of the short-lived Profit (reviewed in Part 22), but perhaps a tiny bit smarter and with more believable characters (though maybe that's just because Americans always seem fake, even when they're real. (Just kidding! (But not really.))). Hey - Jim Profit (Adrian Pasdar) and Stephen Crane (Clive Owen) even look alike:

Moral: Several. Money isn't everything. It's OK to reinvent yourself but sometimes it's good to be honest. Derek is a stupid name.

Wuthering Heights (1939): Laurence Olivier as a bad-tempered, childish loser who turns bitter when he can't have the woman he loves. Quite good. Moral: Don't turn bitter.

A Place in the Sun (1951): Montgomery Clift knocks up Poor Plain Shelley Winters, then cheats on her with Rich Teenage Elizabeth Taylor. Moral: Don't do stuff like that.

Mutiny on the Bounty (1935): Charles Laughton is Captain William "Hardcore" Bligh. Moral: When you mutiny, kill everybody.

The Astronaut Farmer (2006): Billy Bob Thornton as a would-be astronaut named Charles Farmer. Moral: Follow your dream.

The Badge (2002): Billy Bob Thornton as a small town sheriff named Darl Hardwick. Moral: Chicks with dicks are people too.

Straightheads (2007): AKA Closure. Gillian Anderson and boytoy are attacked! Moral: Don't call people wankers.

The Public Enemy (1931): "Nails" Nathan and his posse wreak havoc in Chicago. Moral: Crime doesn't pay.

South Park: Bigger Longer & Uncut (1999) (repeat): When the blood of innocent Canadians is spilled, Satan and Saddam try to take over the world. Moral: Censorship is bad.

Identity (2003) (repeat): John Cusack is a multi-talented limo driver who investigates a crime. Moral: Madmen sure can be crazy.

My Fair Lady (1964): Mad Henry Higgins and Colonel Hugh Pickering engage in a bet on who can be the most homosexual. Also, on whether Eliza Doolittle can ever learn to speak properly. Moral: Opposites attract.

To Die For (1995) (repeat): Nicole Kidman wants to be in television. Moral: Everyone gets their fifteen minutes eventually.

Four Rooms (1995) (repeat): Tim Roth as a bellboy in four stories of remarkably varying quality (half of it is good or very good, half of it sucks elephant balls). My most special New Year's Eve film. Moral: Kids will be kids.

And so our long, arduous journey draws to a close. All in all, I watched and reviewed circa 512 movies and 632 television episodes. Thanks for reading. Good night.


Moocko said...

Pickering (on the telephone): "No, she's no relation, No. What? Well, just let's call her a "good friend", shall we? I beg your pardon! Listen to me, my man, I don't like the tenor of that question - what we do with her is our affair - your affair is bringing her back so we can continue doing it!"

Koala Mentala said...

Weird experiments? Repeated rape? Torture and mutilation? All in a days work for "Col. Hugh Pickering" - or should I say PHIL HUGE-COCK-RING!?!

Moocko said...

Did u kno that James "Good friend of Nails" Cagney turned down the role as Eliza's father?

Pickering is truly one of the highlights of 2007 (his "Nooooo?" is still echoing in my head), but let's not forget Higgins:

"Eliza, you are to stay here for the next six months learning to speak beautifully, like a lady in a florist's shop. At the end of six months you will be taken to an embassy ball in a carriage, beautifully dressed. If the king finds out you are not a lady, you will be taken to the Tower of London, where your head will be cut off as a warning to other presumptuous flower girls! If you are not found out, you shall be given a present of... uh... seven and six to start life with in a lady's shop. If you refuse this offer, you will be the most ungrateful, wicked girl, and the angels will weep for you."

farbror sammy said...


Koala Mentala said...

I am higgins.

Matthew said...

Wow. Kudos to you good sir.

Koala Mentala said...

For being higgins? I thank thee.