Sunday, January 11, 2009

Lost Chapters of the Book of Koala


[Hey, longtime readers! Remember The Book of Koala? It's a book I was once writing and publishing on this blog. We left off at chapter 36 like three years ago, but going through my FILES (Yes I have FILES) I discovered I had actually written a little more. So here's the last of it. It's surely complete suck but probably no worse than the rest of it and here at SUPERBLOG!! we strive not for excellence but for completeness. Even though it's short I can't be bothered to read through it to check for typos and inconsistencies or unfinished sentences. Do of it what thou wilt:]




Chapter 37: Dog Dick

Standing in line for opera tickets, Melissa realized that she didn't love her husband, and perhaps she never had.
"Mike's a nice guy", she thought to herself. "But he's not like Scooter."
Scooter was the family dog. A large St. Bernard, ever faithful.

"There's no use kidding myself any longer. Sure, when I close my eyes during lovemaking, and make him wear the oven mittens, I can imagine his hands being huge, hairy paws. But it's just not the same."

Melissa was, like, totally okay with being labeled a "dogfucker" at work. In fact, she wore it as a kind of badge that she was proud of wearing. As a kind of badge, you know. She wore it. A badge. She fucked dogs. I don't know where I'm going with this story, so let's agree to drop it, okay? She fucked dogs!




Chapter 38: Portrait of the Artist as a Skanky Ho

The red-throated loon of death was flying around merrily, singing to itself. It was singing "Mona Lisa" by Britney Spears, a very catchy number that doesn't get the recognition it deserves. Why is it that the true ARTISTS (like Britney) always have to labor in obscurity, while talentless HACKS like Donkey Kong, Jr. (you know, he of video game fame) get all the attention and money and whores? Is it just because Mr Kong is an ape, while Britney is a human (well, barely) woman? Is it? There's a word for that kind of behaviour and that word is RACISM.

Incidentally, doesn't that KONG movie look fucking great? I liked Naomi Watts in "Mulholland Drive" and I liked King Kong in "King Kong". This could turn out great.

[NOTE: This was obviously written before Peter Jackson's King Kong movie premiered.]




[BONUS INSERTED REVIEW THOUGHTS ON KONG FOR A BLOG POST THAT NEVER HAPPENED:

The Passion of the Kong

Kong is a Messianic figure. He is King and God of a small island, captured and brought to civilization, nailed to a cross and photographed. There should have been a scene in the movie where Kong, standing atop the Empire State Building, yells at the sky: "My Father, why have you forsaken me?". And then he's killed by airplanes.

If I had a problem with the movie, it was all the bloodless mayhem, most glaring in the dinosaur stampede. Just like in Return of the King, it's weird and disturbing to see scenes of major violence without a single drop of blood spilling. But other than that, most of the film worked. The actors were fine, and I enjoyed the ironic yet loving references to the original movie. I guess I have to deduct a few points because, although it's strongly implied that the girl and the ape are lovers, we never actually get to SEE them have sex.]




Chapter 39: Panjo, You Piece of Trash!

"Shut your filthy pie-hole and drop and and give me head! I mean twenty."

Said the Drill Sergeant. He hadn't been feeling well lately and was prone to saying stuff.

The drill sergeant was a large, burly man, capable of extreme violence when provoked. Suddenly he was provoked!




Chapter 40: The Excitement Never Ends

Having won the Wimbledon, I travelled to the stars and was met with complete indifference.




Chapter 41[?]: Mrs Asshole

By the time you read this, Judah Constantinople will be long dead. He had a lot of adventures before he died, though.




Extra Lost Chapter: George Clooney Was A Batty Crapman




Chapter 45: Gun Drama

"I have a gun in my pocket.

But don't worry, I'm just speaking metaphorically. Actually it's a penis.

I took it from a dead man.

He had no use for it, and I had a knife, so I figured... what the hell." The salesman paused.

"Yeah, that makes sense." said the guy standing next to him in line for opera tickets. He smiled uncertainly. "Is that a dead guy's penis in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?"

"Ha! Ha! Ha!" The salesman laughed uproariously.

"Both!" smiled the salesman.

"I'm crazy with hunger!!"




[And that's the end of it.]

4 comments:

Somebodyiusedtoknow said...

heh ♥

KM said...

Thank you for your pity.

Moocko said...

LOL

KM said...

Thank you for your pity.