Sunday, July 06, 2008

The Year of Definitely Not Watching Any DVDs: May, 2008 (Part 3)

Oops. We're well into July at this point and I said that The Year of Definitely Not Watching Any DVDs: May, 2008 (Part 2), posted just about a month ago, was "To be continued..."

Rest assured I watch, like, a couple of movies every day and I almost always jot down some quick notes on them, so I can write them up on SUPERBLOG!! later. I just never get around to it. That's partly because I know a fair number of our readers actively dislike these posts, and most of the rest just don't care one way or the other. Pearls before swine.

But what do I care? This blog is for me, not for you. So here are some thoughts on all the rest of the movies I watched in May:

Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone (2001)
Gaymericans call it "the Sorcerer's Stone" because they are totally uncultured slobs. (I can say "Gaymericans" because many of my best friends are Gaymericans. But if anyone else were to use the term, it would be offensive.) Here's what I want to know: Why is this children's movie 2½ hours long? I thought today's children all had short attention spans? (And what's with all the Wikipedia links? It needs to stop.) I was mildly entertained for about the first half, but then it grew kind of boring. And what's with awarding Gryffindor fuckers all those extra last-minute points? Slytherin was robbed!

Hud (1963)
Paul Newman is the sort of man we all strive to be, but his family doesn't respect him. Moral: You can't please everyone.

Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets (2002)
Chris Columbus directed this one as well and it was about the same level of quality. Features Kenneth Branagh as Gilderoy Lockhart. Even longer than the first one; almost fatally overlong. Moral: It is not our abilities that show what we truly are. It is our choices.

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban (2004)
Directed by Alfonso Cuarón, of Children of Men fame (reviewed by me here somewhere). Much better-looking, darker, and generally better acted. Yeah, better in just about every way than the first two installments.

Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire (2005)
Nearly as entertaining as Azkaban, although the storyline is slightly muddled and parts seem rushed - obviously from trying to compress a long book into a 150 minute movie. I think this is generally a problem with these movies - the filmmakers don't dare to delete too much of the novels outright so instead they leave just a little bit of everything in. Anyway: this one is darker still, which is good, and features further improved acting from the kids (the adults are great as always).

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix (2007)
Pretty good, considering nothing much happens. It's a transitional movie. Directed by David Yates, who will apparently do the next couple of movies as well. Different screenwriter (Michael Goldenberg) than the rest of the series. Plenty of underused actors, we barely catch glimpses of Helena Bonham Carter, Maggie Smith, David Thewlis and Alan Rickman. Also: Why does Voldemort have no nose?! Will it be revealed in the last movie that Harry bit it off when he was a baby, and that's why he's so pissed at the Potter family? If so, I sympathize with him, I would be angry too. Fucking nose-biting babies.

(Q: Voldemort has no nose, how does he smell?
A: Awful!)

(Fucking... nose-biting... babies!)

From Dusk Till Dawn 2: Texas Blood Money (1999)
Direct-to-video "sequel" of the Tarantino/Rodriguez masterpiece. I use "masterpiece" semi-ironically because I don't think it's one of their better movies but compared to this one it almost seems like a masterpiece. It makes little sense, and is mostly crap. Danny Trejo has a small part (in fact, he may be the only actor that's in all three Dusk films) but disappoints. Bruce Campbell and Tiffani Thiessen are also in it - for the first 3 minutes. The camerawork is reminiscent of the Evil Dead movies, and it turns out the director, Scott, Spiegel co-wrote Evil Dead 2. That means something.

From Dusk Till Dawn 3: The Hangman's Daughter (2000)
Somewhere between six or seven times better than Part 2, due largely to Michael Parks supremely cool portrayal of Ambrose Bierce.

(I swiped the pic from this review.)

Akira (1988)
Impressive if greatly abbreviated adaptation of the classic manga. Apparently there's a live-action version on its way too, possibly starring Leo! Moral: Don't experiment on kids. (They have eerie powers.)

Judas Kiss (1998)
Playful thriller about a kidnapping gone wrong, starring Sexy Carla Gugino, directed by her boyfriend. Unconvincing but fun. Synchronicity: Emma Thompson & Alan Rickman are in this and in the Harry Potter films and in a lot of other stuff as well. Okay, so that's weak synchronicity. But still. Check it out. Here they are:

Lost: Season 4 (2008, 13 episodes)
Hey! This is not a movie. So I don't have to review it.


Matthew said...

I can't believe I read this whole thing.

Koala Mentala said...

I can't believe you can't believe you read the whole thing. You know it's always worth it.

Goo said...

Doesn't the fact that you've watched all the Harry Potter movies make you a Gaymerican too? Yep.

Anonymous said...

Mamma Mia!!!

Koala Mentala said...

Goo: That's what's so IRONIC! (in the Alanis sense)

Uncle said...

Vacation rulez!

Palbo said...

¿Qué es la objetividad?