What They Made Me Watch in November, 2009

I quit writing actual film reviews for SUPERBLOG!! because I realized that no matter how hard I try, I'll never become ROGER EBERT. For one thing, I'm naturally slender. For another, I'm not an insane madman with capital-K Krazy taste in movies. Instead (and like last time) I'll just list the films in order of decreasing suckitude. You will like it just fine, unless you don't, in which case we are both the poorer. Such is life, and now on with the list:

The Limits of Control (2009) [it tried the limits of my patience! Ha! Amirite, ppl?]
Ink (2009) [didn't suck, just wasn't very awesome]
The Long Goodbye (1973) (R) [the only Altman film I've seen that I didn't like very much. It doesn't even get a link!]
(500) Days of Summer (2009) [okay, I'll shut up now]
Will Ferrell: You're Welcome America - A Final Night with George W Bush (2009)
The Frighteners (1996)
Zombieland (2009) [I'll give it three zombies, like so:]
  
The Mist (2007)
Funny People (2009)
Up (2009)
Du levande / You, the Living (2007)
Enchanted (2007) (R; previously reviewed by me here)
Superbad (2007) (R)

I also watched some seasons of television but I don't know how to fit them in. They were good though:
Mad Men: Season 3 (2009, 13 episodes)
The Shield: Season 4 (2005, 13 episodes)
The Shield: Season 5 (2006, 11 episodes)
The Shield: Season 6 (2007, 10 episodes)
The Shield: Season 7 (2008, 13 episodes) [Ronnie Gardocki, you will always be my hero, even if everyone else takes you for granted.]

All in all, November's watching gets three willises, like so:
  

Thus we bid farewell to both zombies and willises as ranking tools. Next time, maybe we'll do the same for our old friend Señor Michael Keaton.

Murphymass is Nearly Over

It's always sad when seasons end and now is no exception. Tomorrow Murphymass will officially be over and done with for 2009. And just a few more days of the year remain and then it will be 2010 and who knows what the future might bring? Further strife and poverty and starvation and homelessness and death, quite possibly. War and rape and violence, most likely. But even in the midst of all this sadity and worry, we have to smile and laugh and dance and sing. Because no matter how shitty our lives might be, we can be certain of two things:

1. There are other people on this planet who have it even worse. (A dozen people starve to death every minute. A hundred children are born with AIDS every day.)
2. In time, things will get worse for us as well. We probably won't starve, but any one of us could get hit by a car and die tomorrow. And even if no sudden catastrophe occurs, we (and our loved ones) are slowly deteriorating and dying. You're not just imagining it: time is running out.

And if those two thoughts don't warm your heart and make you sleep well tonight, I don't know what you want from me.

The Ten Murphys of Murphymass!

It's Murphymass. Let's celebrate all the Murphys we know! These are the ten Murphys of Murphymass!!



1. Brittany. The best of all possible Murphys. She's in heaven now.



2-3. Alex & Sean. One was a robotic cop, the other a correctional officer. Neither of them existed, but were rather portrayed by professional "actors" who just pretended to be Alex & Sean. When this ugly truth was exposed, people were appalled and turned on them.



4. Bleeding Gums. One of the boringest of all Simpsons characters. And that's saying a lot considering how mediocre the once-excellent show has turned in recent years. Although the last season (#21) has so far been an improvement on the 20th. No thanks to Bleeding Gums!



5. Cillian. Slightly famous person who has, again, been employed as a professional "actor". The difference to Alex & Sean though is that in this case he himself is the actual Murphy, and the persons whose lives he acts out on screen are only pretend. There is no such thing as a scarecrow.



6. Brown. Unlike most people on this list, her FIRST name is Murphy. Totally crazy.



7. Can't remember her name. She's a model that popped up in Google Image search. But she deserves a spot on this Murphymass list as much as anyone.



8. Eddie. Of course! The star of Meet Dave.



9. Michael. Semi-known although mostly unknown for Robert Altman's classic Tanner '88 and its not-quite-as-good-but-still-worthwhile follow-up Tanner on Tanner.



10. Oakes. Obviously we couldn't leave the fourteenth Governor of Arizona Territory off this list. Learn all about his fascinating life on Wikipedia!

Next Murphymass: 10 different Murphys!* MERRY MURPHYMASS EVRYBUDY

*Or the same. Or none at all.

RIP Brittany Murphy, 32

First Patrick McGoohan, and then a bunch of people I don't care about, and now Brittany Murphy. Can there be any doubt that 2009 was the saddest year ever? Brittany or Britanny or however she spelled her name may not have been an A list star but I thought she was pretty great in a whole bunch of movies, chief among them Sin City and Spun, and The Dead Girl (which was good, but I guess she wasn't in it a whole lot). And as I recall, she was pretty hot in 8 Mile, although maybe not in Girl, Interrupted, or in Clueless, but that was a surprisingly fun movie if you're at peace with your inner girl. Which SUPERBLOG!! is. (And funness beats hotness most of the time, for hotness fades but fun lasts forever might possibly last a little while longer.)

And as a general rule, nobody who was in Freeway should be allowed to die! No matter how they squander their talent afterwards [*cough 24 cough*]. So this is yet more proof if any were needed that God is an asshole who doesn't play by the rules and therefore should be excluded from the celebrations this coming holidays. Accordingly, I hereby re-dub Christmas, 2009 Murphymass, 2009.

Merry Murphymass, everybody!

THIS JUST IN: Patrick "The Stew" Stewart to Win Big Award

Yes! BREAKING NEWS. Shakespearean actor Sir Patrick Stewart will be knighted by British rock band Queen on New Year's Eve, according to Some Newspaper. And I believe it. Patrick, or, as his friends like to call him, Pat, is of course famous for starring as a MUTANT in the X movies, and also for being born in Mirfield, Yorkshire, the son of a weaver and an army officer. But his father beat his mother, Some Newspaper reports, and this turned Pat onto acting. Now he is the finest actor in all the land. He can act the shit out of everyone else. But he rarely does, partly because he's old and partly for hygienic reasons and also because when you're at PAT's level, there's really no reason to show off.

The Irish Beauty Blog has more information:

Now that wasn’t sciency at all. I took out all the hydra oxidisation atom bonding protein structure stuff for you and just put up some words “we can all enjoy”. In the style of It’s Pat. Remember that filum? A classic. Will never lose it’s hilarity.

Uncle Sammy and his New PC!

It’s a HP Mini 110 and it’s WHITE like my soul.

Pre-installed was a TOOL called Windows Live Writer.

We’ll see if it will make me more of a live writer. It will work or

everything will be BLACK again. That map will be black or

it’s gonna show the world where I got my HP Mini!!

Stupid blogger! Not showing cool map by nice microsoft plug-in!!

Instead i give you!!! Lank to cool map showing where I got my HP mini

I solve all and everything!

KoalaScan: Marlon

Look what I scanned a few years ago! Part of a page from Alans Moore & Davis' D.R. & Quinch! And look, it's also Marlon!

Classic SUPERBLOG!!: Rislampa

I don't have a new post for you today so here's a blast from the past instead; one of your favorite SUPERBLOG!! moments from the last five years, according to reader polls:

KoalaCam #46: Rislampa

I hung this lamp over a bed. It is called a rislampa in Swedish. Rice lamp in English. Rislampur in Icelanndic. Lampe de riz in French. The lamp watches over me, but it doesn't shine.

KoalaCam #46: Rislampa

I hung this lamp over a bed. It is called a rislampa in Swedish. Rice lamp in English. Rislampur in Icelanndic. Lampe de riz in French. The lamp watches over me, but it doesn't shine.

Alan Moore in Forbes Magazine

Long-time some-time SUPERBLOG!! contributing prag Moko Chapman (you remember him) (he drew this, among other stuff) created this picture in his computer because he is a genius! Mr. Chapman, I mean, not the computer (who is also male). Although the computer is very clever as well! The picture depicts a vision I once had of Alan Moore as a greedy Watchmen movie-money-grubby-grabbing greedy sort of fellow interviewed by Forbes magazine. The real Alan, who is nothing like that, is nothing like that. Although he wears a similar hat! Hats, Mr. Moore believes, are the seat of man's consciousness. Without hats we would be nothing.

Image © 2009 Alan Moore, Inc. and Michelle Forbes. Used with permission.

What They Made Me Watch in October, 2009

I usually write short reviews of all the stuff I watched but today I'll just list it in order of decreasing suckitude:

Mutant Chronicles (2008)
Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen (2009)
G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra (2009) (way better: ep 1.49)
X-Men Origins: Wolverine (2009)
Uzumaki (2000) (way better: the manga)
Cypher (2002)
Batman Beyond: Season 2 (1999-2000, 24 26 episodes) (way better: B:tAS)
Battlestar Galactica: The Plan (2009)
Son of the Beach: Season 1 (2000, 13 episodes)
The Hebrew Hammer (2003)
South Park: Imaginationland (2007)
Napoleon Dynamite (2004) (R)
Fried Green Tomatoes (1991)
The Company of Wolves (1984)
The Shield: Season 2 (2003, 13 episodes)
LolliLove (2004)
The Shield: Season 3 (2004, 15 episodes)
Snow White: A Tale of Terror (1997)
Trick 'r Treat (2009)
Moon (2009)
All the President's Men (1976) (R)
Tanner on Tanner (2004, 4 episodes)
Brick (2005) (R)
Tanner '88 (1988, 11 episodes)
The Thick of It: The Specials (2007, 2 episodes)

?Why SUPERBLOG!! No Update So Good? (Also: How Not 2 Find SUPERBLOG!! on Twitter)

I remember when* this was the best blog in the entire universe or at least in the top three** but that seems a lifetime ago*** and now everything has turned to shit. Shit! Everybody's tweeeeeting nowadays and have forgotten the joy that only blogging can give! Not any stupid kind of blogging of course but, specifically, SUPERBLOG!!ing. Here is how sad tweeters are and yes I am of course one of them but not under the nom the crime Kay McEntala or whatever it is I'm using on this here blog right here now but my actual, proper name. Thus and therefore I have to be VERY CAREFUL so that nobody can figure out that my real name is Bill. Bill Hurt. Call me billy. On Tweeter I am @billhurtz (just kidding, that was a totally random link that turned out to actually exist. I am not now, nor have I ever been, affiliated with the billhurtz twit flow. Aside from being a massive fan, of course. MASSIVE FAN.) If you see me on the streets you will recognize me by my stained t-shirt emblazoned with MACROSCOPIC BLOGGING FTW. Either that. Or not.

So, to sum up:

• Twitter: Complete suck.
• SUPERBLOG!!: Always sucked.

*Never true
**Hyperbole
***It was for some but not for you and me

Always Remember

In case you are blind and/or can't read, what the image says is "Nothing is any good if other people like it." It's from a t-shirt.

Yeah, Well, What Are You Gonna Do?

It was worth a shot.

Tomorrow There Will Be A New Post

I know some of you little piss-ants (no offence) have been complaining behind our backs recently. You've been going on about how SUPERBLOG!!'s posts have been slipping ever so slightly both in quantity and quality. Don't try to deny it, my sources are unimpeachable. Now, far be it from me to call you all whiny assholes who should shut the fuck up. No, I actually think you may have a little bit of a point. So, starting tomorrow, I promise to make amends. In fact, I'm ready to pronounce A NEW DAWN for SUPERBLOG!!!

Hope to see you then!

LIES

Spider-Man Says: God Wants People to Procreate

This is for you parents out there. You know who you are, I need mention no names.

4 Years 2 Day!

Four years! 4! Not me, but an acquaintance of mine. It seems like just a year ago we celebrated the last Asian Birthday. And now there's a new Asian Birthday. They call it... Asian Birthday 2009! Surprise video!! (Warning: Ninjas! Nikes!!)

The History of Mankind by Milo Manara

Sex and violence - two great tastes that taste great together. Viewable in different form here.

Randomly connected: Michael Bay's keyboard.

Also... no, that's all I have.

Jenna Fischer, 32

See? I can post whatever I feel like.

More Post-it Art: The Last Mayor of Falun

The term "Post-it" and the canary yellow color are trademarks of 3M. Accepted generic terms for competitors include "sticky notes" or "repositionable notes" or "repositional notes."

Moko came to visit the SUPERBLOG!! offices in Falun a while back. I was telling him all about the history of Falun, all the corrupt city officials and stuff, and the town's peculiar mayoral tradition. The position of mayor was finally eliminated in 1997, but up until then they held great power in all of the Dales. Mayors were expected to wear the Key to the City around their necks at all times, even while taking a shower. Their main tasks included collecting local taxes, often personally, and attending important ceremonies, such as public executions (before they were outlawed in 1990, when the Wall fell).

Moko was very impressed with all this, and artistic that he is (not autistic, although he might be that as well), he took one of my Post-it notes and sat down and started to draw the picture above. I was immediately angered by this, because Post-it notes aren't cheap, and it looked like he was just vandalizing them for no good reason.
"What the hell are you doing?!", I shouted. "Stop immediately!"
He put down his pen and handed over the artwork. It was almost finished anyway.
"I drew this for you", he said, hesitantly. "I was so inspired by your great story. Is this anything like what the mayors used to look like?"
"No", I said, trying to let him down gently. "You're a terrible artist".

Elevated Part 1 and also Part 2

This happens to me every time I ride an elevator. It's a short film directed by Vincenzo Natali, not to be confused with Natalie Portman. Natali is the guy who did Cube, which I liked (and some other films which I didn't like as much). Natalie Portman is someone else.

The lesson is as important today as it was back in 1996: BE CAREFUL ON THE ELEVATOR BECAUSE YOU WILL DIE.

April, 1923

Soon, up in the trees. CHRISTMAS.

I Own the Original of This

Maybe I'll be a millionaire one day. Then I'll spit down, just like I do now.

KoalaCam #45: Prisoners of the Basket!

When children are good, they are rewarded with candy and Pingu DVDs. When children are bad, they are placed in baskets, photographed, and turned into Internet amusements. It's the law of the jungle.

(For added punishment, play them some Britney.)

Photo #160: The Fog

Not today and not yesterday but the day before yesterday I went to Norway. It was a foggy day.

KoalaCam #44: Five Great Movies!

My local Walmart (or Swedish equivalent) has plenty of DVDs to choose from. There's American Pie 2, and also American Pie: The Wedding. And if you don't like either of those, there's American Pie Presents Band Camp and yes, even American Pie Presents Beta House! Oh, and if, for some reason, you don't like American Pie at all, there's United 93. But who doesn't like American Pie!!

Cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger.

Duck Duck Duck Duck Duck Duck

It's Saturday night, muthafuggas! It's party time and not one minute we can lose! Da ba da dan dee dee dee da, nee na na na, pretty baby! Etc.

Film Reviews: September, 2009

Every movie has a moral, though sometimes it is secret. But no matter how cleverly it is hidden, SUPERBLOG!! always finds it. This time around, I will expose the morals of a bunch of films for all the world to see! Like last month, I'll be ordering the films by how good they were, and not, as you might have expected, by how good they weren't. Oh wait, that's basically the same thing. Anyway. We'll start with NOT ALL THAT GOOD and see what happens. Click on the links for better reviews and/or related reading on other sites (mostly The AV Club).

NOT ALL THAT GOOD:

Ali G Indahouse (2002) (R)
So much weaker than the TV series. Moral: Sometimes idiots prosper.

Mum & Dad (2008)
Fairly standard torture porn. Moral: Family is everything.

Superman/Batman: Public Enemies (2009)
I preferred Green Lantern, which I think I reviewed last time. Moral: Don't vote for Lex Luthor.

Bye Bye Birdie (1963)
Moral: Ann-Margret had an ability to be 25 and act 14. Is that a moral? I watched this only because of the Mad Men episode, of course. The only good parts are the beginning and the end.

Viva Las Vegas (1964)
See, this is like a sequel to BBB, only it has the real, less weak, Elvis. Moral: Elvis is king.

The Two Jakes (1990)
Moral: Sequels made too many years after the original (16, in this case) always disappoint.

PRETTY GOOD:

Columbo: Suitable for Framing (1971) (R)
Moral: Crime does not pay. As with all Columbos.

Columbo: Death Lends a Hand (1971)
P I Robert Culp tries to blackmail Ray Milland's younger wife. (But is killed by Ray Milland's older wife! No, there is only one wife. And she is killed by Robert Culp.) Why did I write a plot line for this one but not the other one? You'll never know. Moral: I already told you: Crime does not pay.

Doomsday (2008) (R)
Moral: Sol is king.

Slither (2006)
Moral: Monsters are bad.

In the Company of Men (1997)
Moral: Don't be kind to women.

The Major and the Minor (1942) (R)
Moral: Deception invariably leads to love.

Waitress (2007)
Moral: Live your dreams. Have a kid.

District 9 (2009)
Hmm, I should have linked the title to Roger Ebert's review instead, but now it's too late. What this movie reminds me of the most is Spielberg's AI - basically interesting sci-fi idea, great production design, but suffers from lack of intelligence and a sense of proportions. While I had low expectations for AI (partly because I was, and remain, a huge Kubrick fan), I had very high expectations for this one, based on the buzz. And thus I found it hugely disappointing. The irritating thing is that parts of it are so good that I wish a lot of the rest weren't cliched dime-a-dozen action. Moral: Racism is bad.

GOOD:

Star Trek (2009)
Moral: Space... something.

Brüno (2009)
Moral: Something about being gay? I don't know. I laughed more than I had expected, though.

The Brothers Bloom (2009)
Ambitious. Wikipedia calls it a "postmodern caper film". It's not another Brick, but well worthwhile anyway. Moral: Be careful what you wish for, maybe? The morals idea wasn't very good.

Good Arrows (2009) (R)
Moral: Jenkem is better than heroin.

Thank You for Smoking (2006) (R)
Moral: You should make up your own mind.

EXCELLENT:

Drag Me to Hell (2009)
Alison Lohman is less the female Bruce Campbell than the female Michael J Fox. It's weird to see her playing an actual grown-up. Anyway: A lot of Drag Me to Hell is predictable, including the ending, but it's still a delight. (Can I use the word "delight" without seeming gay? Probably not.) Almost as energetic and fun as the Evil Dead movies. Moral: Be kind to gypsies. Also, Check the envelope.

Juno (2007) (R)
There's been a bit of a backlash in the years since, particularly towards Diablo Cody's hipster dialogue. And yes, a little of it goes a long way (and no, I won't be surprised if Jennifer's Body sucks) but I maintain that in this context, and in Ellen Page's mouth, it works beautifully. Moral: I already told you: People who want kids should have kids.

In Bruges (2008) (R)
Moral: You've got to stick to your principles and blow your own head off.

Primer (2004) (R)
One of my favorite movies of all time. Moral: With great power comes something or other.

P.S.

I also watched Ali G in da USAiii: Season 1 (2003, 6 episodes) and Da Ali G Show: Season 2 (2004, 6 episodes) and Hung: Season 1 (2009, 10 episodes) and The Shield: Season 1 (2002, 13 episodes), but I don't have to make up morals for them, do I? But I'll tell you a little about:

True Blood: Season 2 (2009, 12 episodes)
My initial thoughts, after last season, were that it was still pretty terrible, but a lot more fun. It was slowly developing into a guilty pleasure. But towards the end of the season I snapped out of it and realized that it's incredibly mediocre, and not really worth watching. I think I'll stop here.

and:

Weeds: Season 5 (2009, 13 episodes)
I've always liked Weeds, check out the reviews of season 1 and 2 from back in 2007. It's lightweight and very meandering, but also extremely enjoyable. Then again, somehow I'm always more or less drunk when I watch it, so your mileage may vary.

D.S.

Frankenstein's Mobster

I have an idea for a film script in which Victor Frankenstein's nephew Hictor Årankenstein* creates a Godfather of Semi-Organized Crime (or G-SOC). I call it Frankenstein's Mobster.

(*Because Frankenstein's sister married a guy called Åke Årankenstein. The film should more properly be called Årankenstein's Mobster but I'm going with Frankenstein for commercial reasons. Frankenstein is the more recognizable and marketable name, especially since many languages don't even use the letter Å.)

Anyway, to make a long story short, Hictor Årankenstein, the nephew, uses electricity to manufacture a creature he calls Bruce Kent (a clever amalgation of the civilian identities of those classic comic book characters, Superman and Batman! It is a sort of foreshadowing). Bruce starts as a lowly garbage sweeper but slowly works his way up through the ranks of Chicago's number one crime family, led by Chicago Charlieson. Finally, in the last scene of the script (SPOILER!), Bruce Kent kills Chicago Charlieson with his broom, which he has had gold-plated. How ironic. The last words of Chicago are, "I leave you now with everything" which Bruce takes as a vote of confidence.

I also have an idea for a sequel in which Bruce travels to space.

Saturday is Water Torture Day

Oh, pardon me, Mr. "Let's ration everything", but what d'you think we're floating on? Don't you know the poem? "Water, water, everywhere, so let's all have a drink."

- Homer Simpson (not Samuel Taylor Coleridge)

Saturday is lördag in Swedish and was named for washing up. The lör part is originally from the Proto-Germanic word Laugr which means water or water torture. In English the day was named for the planet Saturn which was itself named for the video game consule. Just kidding (HA!), it was actually named for the Roman god of agriculture and harvest and justice and strength. Saturn was pretty much the Supreme Ruler of the Omniverse but he was also a bit of an asshole (which maybe goes hand in hand). He castrated his father Caelus and ate his own children to prevent them from fucking with him (although Jupiter survived, and did indeed fuck with him later on. So one might argue that Saturn was right to try and eat his kids). Incidentally, in Babylon he was called Ninib. Incidentally again, Saturnalia is feast and also a dinosaur.

According to ISO 8601, Saturday is the sixth day of the week, although some contrary Jews and Christians refuse to follow the standard. Throw them to the Lions!

Friday is Fenris Day

What. No. It's Freja's Day or Frigg's Day. But for me it will always be the day of the incestuous brother-and-sister team Fenris, AKA Andreas and Andrea von Strucker, because they were in X-Men comics when I was a small, impressionable child, and so I always think about them on Fridays. What. No. I haven't thought about them since probably the 1980s or something, when I read the actual comics. (During this period X-Men was written by Chris Claremont and drawn by John Romita, Jr.) They have nothing to do with Fridays. Looking at that picture now it seems to me that Andrea is hot (in an '80s kind of way) whereas Andreas is totally gay. They're white supremacists, though, so they both have ugly souls! (Nevertheless, I would totally do her. What. No.)

I assume the team is named for the mythological (?) (!!!) wolf who bit off the hand of Tyr. But that's a bit stupid because Why The Face do they have to do with him? Except maybe that their dad is Baron Wolfgang von Strucker. Get it? Wolf? It's a bit labored, but that's the only connection I can see. I'm probably missing something.

Wolfgang is, of course, a name common to white supremacists. Other prominent Wolfgangs include Wolfgang Pauli and Oz's Wolfgang Cutler, the Man with the Spoon. If I were a character on Oz, I would be Tim McManus. We don't look alike but we're both idealists and losers and fictional.

Thursday is Thor's Day

Some asshole may have previously told you that Thursday is Thirst Day but he or she was either misinformed or willfully spreading malicious untruths. Thursday is the fourth day of the week (some say third) and is universally recognized as the day to eat ärtsoppa AKA pea soup. (Not to be confused with pee soup, which is consumed exclusively during a weekend of drunken weirdness.)

Thor has a fuckload of names.

Hey! Meet Bo, the First Dog. What. That's a wrong link for this post.

UPDATE at the same time as the rest so not really an update at all. I found a proper picture of proper Thor. Here he is with his friends Bill Bixby and the Hulk:

Wednesday is Odin's Day

It is, you could look it up. Today is the day of Odin Quincannon, the malicious meat magnate of Salvation, Texas. He sure liked his meat, that guy. Although the day wasn't actually named for him but for another guy called Odin (or Oden or Woden or Óðinn or Wotan). Here's a biography of the proper Odin. You know, Odin, the living omnipotence:

Kirby's Odin is a bit '60s, as opposed to Quincannon, who is a very 90s kind of guy. But Odin fucking lives, bitches! (And Asgard dies.) Odin is also a Swedish satellite.

And now you know... the rest of the story.